Last night, I started to feel better. It was as if the weight started to lift. I woke this morning and though a small part of me wanted to slip back into depression and grieving mode, the majority of me did not. So, I cranked up the music and started dancing myself to a clean house.
You know, when you left the last time (how sad I have to say that), I quit smoking. You were gone two weeks before you came back (and even having you here I didn't take the cigs back up). Yesterday I started eating the way I enjoy eating again (instead of cooking what you like to please you). I ate a gorgeous salad, had strawberries and bananas, and cooked me up a juicy burger with steak sauce last night (it was super lean, no grease). I started this morning with some yummy Bolthouse Farms Green Goodness. I am limiting myself to one 16 ounce soda a day while I kick my caffeine habit. I have purchased yummy flax seed crackers and blue corn flax chips. My fridge and freezer are stocked full of fruits and veggies. I have some mango and pineapple in the freezer to go with the Greek plain yogurt in the fridge for yummy smoothies. I feel fabulous knowing that my house will run smooth again.
It's funny how much gets done when you are not here and how much we get behind when you are here. Do you even realize how much time everyone spent keeping you happy? Or at least trying to keep you from being angry? What a miserable way to live.
I'm knocking out the housework today. Tomorrow is the yard work with the following day being getting our vehicle spruced up. Just because it's falling apart doesn't mean it has to look like it.
I dyed my hair black and it's quite a change. That's always the way to tell when I've suffered heart ache and am now moving forward, I change my hair a color it's never been before. Fortunately for me, there aren't that many breakups that actually involve my heart so I still have plenty of colors to choose from. Somehow going black just seemed fitting for a break up with you, don't ya think?
I look at everything in life as a learning experience. In all reality, it was dating and breaking up with you that helped me to realize I have some negative co-dependency issues I need to work through. I also realized that I devote to much of ME in trying to help other people. I realized I have a few year track record now of helping people that do not appreciate it, that don't care, and that are only using the receiving of help as a way to manipulate me into giving and doing for them.
You see dear, I'm thinking back on all the things you told me about how you really were. You did warn me over and over again. Although I thought that you wanted to change those things, you never really said it. How many times did I ask you why you sounded so proud when speaking of those things. It was as if you loved the fact that, to use your words, you were cold hearted, vindictive, hard, unfeeling. Silly me, I thought showing you love and support would thaw that cold heart and show you how beautiful a feeling life can be. Of course, you most likely will just use the heartache you put me through as even more reason not to feel as, again according to you, it keeps you safe.
You may be safe from being hurt.....but you must be lonely. So very alone and lonely.
For a week I thought I envied you. Your ability not to feel anything. Your ability not to care.
Today though, I realized, I don't envy you at all. I actually feel sorry for you. I never want to go back to being that person that doesn't feel and doesnt' need anything from anyone. I hurt a hell of a lot more now than I did when I was that person, but I also love a hell of a lot more. I feel happiness, joy and contentment along with the pain and hurt. It's a myriad of jumbled up emotions that get me confused at times, but I would never trade it for anything. I"ll never go back to being the way you now choose to be.
The difference between you not feeling and having all those walls up........
and me who feels deeply and is hurt as a result........
is that........
I AM ALIVE
No comments:
Post a Comment