I Trust You, Please Hurt Me

I have always had restrictions on what could, and could not, be done to my body. Restrictions to ensure that I was always in full control. Restrictions to ensure I never experienced a flashback from prior trauma.

I kept the same type of restrictions on my heart. Restrictions in place to always ensure I never cared too much, never trusted too much. Restrictions that kept me from ever being hurt too much.

Yet, I trust him with every fiber of my being. I’ve said I trusted people before but I realize now I had no idea what trust was. None.

Trust is when you realize that in your heart of hearts, you don’t view your body as your own anymore but instead as his.

Trust is when you realize that everything he says you believe completely even when the sum of your life experiences tells you it simply any be true.

Trust is not wondering what he is doing when he isn’t with you.

Trust is being able to push away the fears and keep moving forward.

Trust is loving him completely without hesitation and without holding back.

Trust is realizing that none of the restrictions you held on your body and heart apply anymore.

Trust is asking him to bite you, to choke you, to claw you......... without holding back.

Trust is looking deep into his eyes and telling him, without a doubt, “I want you to hurt me because I trust you.”

Waiting to Make Out

I won’t pretend that there haven’t been plenty of times I’ve made out on a first, second or even third date. Hell, I’d be lying if I said I hadn’t had sex on a first date. Yet, there been plenty of dating relationships where physical and sexual interaction didn’t happen until after we’d gotten to know each other well enough to at least know we weee beginning to be friends. What’s happened to that?

If I want to just have sex, I am not going to take the time to arrange childcare, spend a while getting dolled up, then drive an hour to meet someone. I’m not going to have sex with someone new if my intent is just sex. If I am looking for just sex I am going to go to someone I know, where I am guaranteed to get exactly what I want and seek. Why risk a ton of time and energy for sex that might turn out mediocre when a gal always knows where to go to get that which curls her toes and brings loud moans?

I do not want just sex. I haven’t for quite some time. Part of thatay he the menopause but I feel most of it is just my wanting something deeper (no pun intended).

I want to be INSPIRED.

I want to be MOTIVATED.

I want to be ENCOURAGED.

I want someone that will look at me on the days I’m so overwhelmed I simply can’t go on and push me to keep moving forward.

Someone that sees my strength and capabilities when I’ve lost sight of them.

Someone that understands gaining my friendship first means that when I do finally share my body it will be with a passion, a desire, a strength that can consume us both and envelope is completely.

It all really boils down to one thing. Just one thing I want with someone no matter what. One thing I want to have before my body is touched.

T
R
U
S
T

Where does time go......

My last post was a month after I met him. I've been with him ever since. Until yesterday.

He and I both felt a connection that neither of us had ever felt before. It was as if we had an energy that bound us, flowed through us, and made each of us stronger. The depth of emotion we felt (well, I know I felt) was intense and unlike anything I've ever known. I was certain that the connection we felt was proof that we were meant to be together. I honestly felt, and even now feel, that we were created to be together. We fit, perfectly.

And somehow I fell into the same old habits. The same things I had promised myself I would never do again. I justified the sacrifices for what I thought we had.

I gave
     and
           gave
                and gave. When his dishonesty was first discovered, I listened to his reason and accepted it as truth. With each subsequent episode of deception, I listened to his reasons and clung to his promises that he would never do it again.

I gave
     and
           gave
                and gave. I put forth all the effort for us to see one another.

I gave
     and
           gave
                and gave. I worked diligently to build a friendship with him.

I gave
     and
           gave
                and gave. I gave up my friends to attempt to soothe his jealousy, insecurity, and false accusations.

I gave
     and
           gave
                and gave. I begged and pleaded for his time, attention and energy.

I gave
     and
           gave
                and gave. I believed his reasons, even when I knew they were not true.

I gave
     and
           gave
                and gave. I settled for our few dates being only restaurants, and even then only his favorites.

I gave
     and
           gave
                and gave. I gave up plans, goals and vacations waiting for him to follow through with his promises to do those things with me.

I gave
     and
           gave
                and gave. Throughout the entire time that one of his exes stalked, harassed and tormented me, as he stood by refusing to stop it, telling me I was a drama queen for allowing such harassment to bother me.

I gave
     and
           gave
                and gave. I spent three more months giving him opportunity to invest in our relationship and friendship, AFTER he told me that he didn't want to do anything with me outside of what we were already doing.

I gave
     and
           gave
                and gave. Even after his assurance that he didn't want me for anything then we had presently made me feel like a used piece of ass.

I gave
     and
           gave
                and gave. Past the point that I believed I had given my all.

I gave
     and
           gave
                and gave. I kept believing in him, in us, in the plans we had made.
I gave
     and
           gave
                and gave. After he told me that he was going to give to his ex, that which he had denied me.

I gave
     and
           gave
                and gave. After he told me that ex had inserted herself into our relationship, and he did nothing to prevent it.

I gave
     and
           gave
                and gave. Him my body, my love, my soul, my devotion, my loyalty, my sincerity, my honesty, my openness, my sacrifice.

He took
     and
          took
               and took. Even after I told him that I needed him to put forth some effort.

He took
     and
          took
               and took. Even after I told him that I needed him to meet me in the middle.

He took
     and
          took
               and took. Even after I pleaded with him to allow us to develop a friendship.

He took
     and
          took
               and took. Even after I told him that I needed his honesty.

He took
     and
          took
               and took. Even after I sacrificed all I had to give.

He took
     and
          took
               and took. Even after I told him that I felt as if I were being treated like a piece of ass.

He took
     and
          took
               and took. After I told him I was empty.

He took
     and
          took
               and took. After I told him that if things stayed the same it would destroy me, shatter me, and break me.

He took
     and
          took
               and took. Even when I begged and pleaded for some sign that he wanted our relationship and friendship to succeed.

He took
     and
          took
               and took. Even when I told him that I just needed him to make some teeny tiny effort for me to stay.

I have sat today and read through each blog post that I've made as Splintered Crimson. I have wondered how I made the same mistakes I was certain I would never make. Why would I justify those things simply because of a connection and absolute conviction that we were created to be together.

I am broken. I am shattered. I am splintered.

In the words of Soundgarden, "I've given everything I need, I'd give you everything I own, I'd give in if it could at least be ours alone, I've given everything I could."  

I can stand here today, separate and apart from him and know that I gave him much more than my all. I handed him my entire being. I gave him the parts I'd never given anyone.

Again, in the words of Soundgarden, "Nothing seems to kill me, no matter how hard I try. Nothing is closing my eyes. Nothing can bet me down for your pain or delight. And nothing seems to break me, no matter how hard I fall nothing can break me at all. Not one for giving up, though invincible I know.   

I still know that he and I were created to be together. We were designed as one, and we fit together. Perfectly. 

I still believe but have no hope. 

I now doubt. Was his words the truth or were his actions? Does he love me and want to spend his life with me or does he want to give me nothing except on his terms, and the way he likes, while dismissing my needs? Was I merely company, conversation and sex and nothing more or did he long for us to be more but let his own issues interfere? 

I no longer can hope. I can no longer be certain. 

The only thing that I know is that he and I were created to be together. 

     I thought that meant we would be. 

          I thought that meant I could give everything I had to him & he'd cherish, appreciate, protect it. 

     I thought that meant that the investments would be worth the gain. 

I thought that meant we'd spend our lives together. 

We all have someone out there made for us. Someone we are supposed to spend our lives with. Someone that will be the yin to our yang and balance us. Someone that will be our opposite to everyone else's eyes due to the balance we must give one another, but when it comes to who we are inside the two will be the same. 

Yet, that doesn't mean that it will work. Everything in life is a choice. We have to choose to deal with our baggage. We have to choose to deal with our past. We have to chose to battle our demons and win. We have to chose to do the hard stuff so that we can have the good stuff. 

For the first time in my life, I know that I will no longer make the same mistakes. I will never again give myself to someone that doesn't appreciate me. I will no longer give myself to someone that doesn't want me to. I will no longer give myself to someone that denies me a return. I will no longer give myself to someone that rejects me, criticizes me, betrays me or forsakes me. 

I will no longer fall into all the sacrificial givings that I have fallen prey to. 

I can be confident of this. Because I have no doubts that I will never date again. How could I be with another knowing that I was created to be with him? How unfair would that be to another? 

Life is a bitch. I'm pissed at God as I've remained for some time. You can not miss that which you do not now exists. But now I long and crave and desire with a passion that seeks to consume me that which I now know exists but has been denied to me. 18 years he and I were around each other on and off, but never did our paths cross. We were sometimes less than a football field away from each other, but never met. Yet now, now the forces that be bring us together only to deny us that which we are destined to have. Yeah, life is a bitch. 

             

Initial Trust

Such important things I have needed to work on the last few hours. Instead, I've stayed busy with mindless, mundane activities that are nothing more than a waste of time.

Now that I have decided to quit distracting myself from my own thoughts and feelings, it is all starting to pull together for me.

I am finally coming to the full grasp and realization that people should not be trusted, until that trust is earned. It seems in all areas I give trust much to freely. I have extolled the virtues of trusting someone until they give you reason not to trust them.

Tonight I realized the ignorance of this statement and begin to address why I would think this way. I realized that it is somehow a reflection of my thoughts about myself.

Initially, I realized that many moons ago I was a person that trusted no one. After having been through a particularly horrible experience, I shielded myself from any potential pain. I trusted no one and pushed everyone away. If I met someone that I felt was trustworthy and of value, I would second guess their intentions and actions. I would push and push, typically doing the one thing I knew would send them away from me. I didn't want to risk hurt. I had been hurt enough.

Yet, through time, I realized that this was impeding me from ever developing any type of fulfilling relationship, be it friendship or otherwise. I realized it was weakness and not the strength I thought I had sought to develop.

I became the person that everyone could trust and their trust not be forsaken.

I became brutally honest. I would tell a person exactly what I saw, what I thought, what I want and who I am. I did not look at someone and tell them what they wanted to hear merely for the sake of attempting not to displease them. I did not mislead others. I would not agree to participate in something I knew I would not abide by. I did not hide anything in my relationships, freely offering information that would be deemed pertinent without it ever having to be requested. I have continued to be this person even today.

Yet, despite my honesty and transparency, it seemed that many distrusted me even after I had adequately proven myself as trustworthy. This was not due to my own actions, but actions of others upon them. Actions from a past I had nothing to do with. (just as I was many moons ago)

I didn't want to be one of those people. Even though I had become trustworthy, I now felt that I needed to trust others. So, I begin to trust everyone completely. I would trust them until they proved that they were not trustworthy.

I carried this to an unhealthy extreme. As a result, I have been hurt quite often. I have allowed people that were not trustworthy to know me on an intimate basis. I have allowed them to link their energy with mine, even though it was tainted and dishonorable.

Now, it is time for me to find balance. It is time for me to refuse to share myself with anyone that has not proven themselves trustworthy.

It is time for me to value myself enough that I would not dare be with someone I could not trust across the board.

Now, I will seek and find balance in the area of trust.

It is far past time.

Best Friends

Last night I got a call from a ghost. A ghost I never thought to hear from again. A ghost that, for so very long, I had called my very best friend.

We spoke for hours. It was as if we had never spent time apart. Our friendship had started at a young age, when neither of us were certain who we were. A point in time where we were responsible for starting to make decisions that would direct us in our adult lives. We were thick as thieves and nothing, nor anyone, could separate us.

Or so I thought.

After what seemed like a lifetime of friendship, we crossed the bridge into a romantic relationship. I had delayed his interest in the fear that we would somehow lose our friendship. I valued our friendship more than anything else and I knew that I would be unable to live without it.

Our relationship progressed and we spoke of a future together. I was ready to uproot my life and move to where he resided, children in tow. I had always loved him. He had always loved me. We were best friends. What possible reason could there be not to be together?

I am not sure how it happened with him. I have many questions that were never answered. Did he just happen to meet her and know from that moment that she was "the one"? Had he been dating others the entire time he was professing his love to me? He called me almost every night and spoke to me until we fell asleep to each other's voices...... had he called me after he returned from his adventures with others? How long after he met her did he continue to tell me he loved me and speak of our future? How was it, if he were planning a future with me, that he could turn so abruptly away from me to pursue a future with someone else? Had he never meant the things that he told me? He would call me his "Jenny". I had not seen the movie he referred to. I remember the night I finally watched it and how I called him to tell him that it was the most beautiful name he could call me. Forrest loved Jenny completely and without holding back.

Now all I think of is that Jenny died.

For over a decade I have not spoke to my best friend. I forgave him long ago and even became happy for his marriage and children. He was happy, and that is all I ever wanted for him. He contacted me out of the blue years ago to offer an apology which surprised me. I welcomed it wholeheartedly and let him know that I had already forgiven him. Yet, I could not understand why we could not have our friendship. He chose to marry her and live his life with her over me. He was in a solid relationship with me, planning our future, and once he met her he forgot that I existed. Why would she prohibit our friendship? What could she possibly fear? He loved her in a way he had never loved me, why must he and I lose such an old friendship? He did not answer, and we did not speak again.

Until yesterday.

When I saw his message I did a doubletake. I blinked my eyes, leaned forward, and looked again. Was that really his name beside the message? Could it be someone else with the same name? Why was he contacting me?

I quickly realized that he was still seeking absolution. He was still carrying guilt over how he treated me and the pain he had caused me. Although I had let go of that pain and anger, he still held on to the impact of it. He still saw the scars he inflicted upon me that I still carry. He feels the pain of the scars even though I no longer notice they are there (or so I tell myself though my deep rooted trust issues speak against that notion).

Yet, I couldn't understand why he sought absolution from me. I had given him that which he sought years ago when I told him I had forgiven him. The answer came when I once again questioned why we could not have our friendship as it posed no threat to his marriage. He was the reason. Through choices and decisions he made regarding how he portrayed our history, he has burned that bridge. In an attempt to protect his wife that he loved more, he instead betrayed her trust. She had banished me from his life, and hers. Our friendship is never to be again.

Knowing it is one thing. Seeing the words as I type them is another. There is a weight that comes with the knowledge that something is forever. I had always thought that eventually she would get over whatever insecurities that she had and we would be great friends. I knew that he and I always befriended the same types of people and that if he married, she would be someone I would like and get along with. Yet, to discover that there was so much more to the story and that the bridge to our friendship had been burned.... I am saddened.

There is no one else left that I am that close to or that knows me that well. They have all left this world. No one else is left that connects me to my childhood or the innocent and naive girl that I once was. No one else remembers that child that looked out to the world smiling and whose insatiable appetite to understand everything led her into adventures no one else could imagine.

The stories he and I could tell of nighttime adventures and mishaps.... I smile just thinking of them.

We had such great fun. We were thick as thieves and nothing, nor anyone, could ever separate us.

Or so I thought.

Trust: Make Sense of this For Me Please

How is it this can be the case......

I trust a particular person in all areas of the bedroom. I will let him choke me, pound himself deep into me with such strength that I have to lie with an ice pack between my legs afterward, and do pretty much anything he so desires to me if its' sexual related.

However, I can NOT trust him to be honest with me.

I can NOT trust him not to do hurtful things to myself or my children.

I can NOT trust him to be honest with others about my children or I.

I can NOT trust him not to take money from me.

I can NOT trust him not to take my son's, or my own, prescribed medications.

I can NOT trust him to keep what I confided in him confidential (even though I've told no one the dark, deep secrets he's told me).

I can NOT trust him to be in my life.

So, how can I trust him sexually when I trust NO ONE else?

How does this make sense at all?

Why I Trust... NO ONE

Because I was the 8 year old little girl that wrapped the blankets all around me like a mummy, even tucking them under my feet and laid absolutely, perfectly still hoping if I wasn't heard I would be forgotten.

Because when those that loved me found out, they covered it up and did nothing about it.

Because even now they won't tell me who.

Because throughout all my years growing up I was taught that I never did anything right, I was never good enough, I should have been born a boy, and that nothing I did would ever be enough.

Because now, all these years later, they still feel the same way about me.

Because even after being molested as a child, I didn't get to willingly have sex the first time. My virginity was snatched away by a man named Stan, who only laughed at me when I sat crying and cleaning up the blood after.

Because he beat me AFTER I gave birth to his child, but never in any of the years we were together before.

Because he beat and raped me day after day after day while continously screaming that he loved me more than anyone else would.

Because he taught me that I never did anything right, I was never good enough, no one would ever love me apart from him, and that nothing I did would ever be enough.

Because after leaving him, I couldn't look into myself and see anything worthy or beautiful.

Because years later, when I had a third child with another man, he began to attack me physically. Never before our child, only after.

Because he still torments and threatens me, despite my having removed myself from his life a decade ago.

Because when I finally found someone I thought loved me, I married him, only to discover the night of my wedding that he truly did not love me but only wanted me to help him financially.

Because knowing that, I stayed hoping that he would learn to love me, and being devastated when he walked out after he got all that he wanted financially.

Because I waited all these years to tell someone all these things.

Because I waited all these years to tell someone many of my fears, my insecurities, my heartache, my pain.

Because I waited all these years to let someone in past all the barricades and the walls.

Because waited all these years for someone that understood. Someone that didn't think bad of me for those things.

Because I waited all these years for someone that didn't think less of me.

Because waited all these years for someone that  wanted to know all of it and think that I was good enough.

Because I  waited all these years for someone that would not betray me.

Because I waited all these years for someone that would not lie to me.

Because I waited all these years for someone that would not leave me.

A few days ago

I sent Him a message (the one I'd dated on and off, the one that wants me back, the one that introduced me to my inner freak). I explained to him that I could not, in good conscious, keep the cell phone he had given me to use because I was trying to make things work with my recent ex. (To put it in perspective, the guy I was trying to make it work with said I should keep the phone and ride it out as long as possible and just not tell the other guy about "us").

He replied that I needed to keep it. That I needed it. That, if all else, to at least keep it 30 days until my financial situation improved.

A man that has told me he cares about me. A man that has said he wants me back. A man that has told me that my happiness is most important, even if it is found with someone else.

Yet, he wants me to keep the phone even when I'm pursuing the relationship I've been in the last 9 months.

Part of me wants to say..... "Damn, what a MAN!"

The other part of me realizes that for 9 months I"ve thought that often about the man I was dating.......and now it seems the majority of it was merely manipulation. That he'd go to no end to do what he knew would work to get his way, even if it was out of character for him.

I don't trust my own judgments or decisions.

AT ALL.

Not when it comes to relationships, men, or dating.

Control, Splintered, Trust

Someone asked me to name 5 things that I would want someone else to push me in.

I've been discussing how I would enjoy someone else micromanaging my day. Someone to just take over. Someone that I would listen to and follow their direction, even if I didn't want to, didn't feel like it, or didn't think it was best.

However, I'm not sure that I can ever trust to that point. Can I ever relinquish control?

As for the 5 things.... it actually took quite a bit of thought. The big things in life that I set out to do, I do. Once the challenge is over, I move to the next thing. I do love a great challenge.

It's the small things I do not do. Eating healthy and exercising consistently. Taking time to meditate. Relaxing in candle lit bubble baths or sitting by the lake. Watching the sunrise or sunset. Shopping for myself. Put on lotion daily. Staying on a schedule.

I want to continue helping others, but have made such terrible choices in doing so. I want someone to direct me in those endeavors as well. Who to help, how to help, who to walk away from.

*sigh

How could I ever trust someone that much?

Could I also trust them in the bedroom? Trust them to give me the pain I crave but not to step across the boundary into the area I fear? To give me the physical satisfaction I've found only once in relationships? To give to me without my making demands, and without them making demands?

Letting go of control and trust are intricately tied.

I'm afraid I will never trust to that extent.

I have never seen nor met a man I would trust not to hurt me, exploit me, abuse me, deny me affection, punish me undeservingly, and more.

I do not always want to remain splintered.

:(