I Reside In Hell

I married him. After all, I stayed and I married him.

After, on our honeymoon, the suspicions and doubts I'd had but were never fully certain of were confirmed.

Months have passed and each day it seems that I discover more deceit. More untruths.

I married an absolute stranger.

I know only one thing, that I know nothing about him.

Each day is filled with deceit, dishonesty and lies. Each day is filled with his pretending to be something he isn't. Each day is filled with him accusing me of being something that I am not, while admitting to more lies. Each day is a contradiction of the day before.

He says that he loves me even as he lies to me about who he is, what he is, where he is and even who he is with. He says that he loves me even as he says that he would tell any lie to get what he wants. He says that he loves me even as he says that he doesn't care about my feelings. He says that he loves me even as he tells me that I am guilty of the very things he does.

He says that he knows I am as dishonest as him. He says that I must also have cheated. He calls me a hypocrite and a liar. He tells me that I do nothing but "whine" and "complain" about his dishonesty and that I have no right to do so.

He hates every fiber of me, and yet knows nothing about who I am.

Three years I have been in this warped relationship where he uses me at his whim and cares nothing for the damage or havoc he wrecks.

I fear admitting defeat.
     I fear admitting that I was completely and totally wrong.
          I fear admitting that I could have been so totally and completely conned and deceived.
                I fear what all of that will mean.

I know not who I am.
I know only what I am not.
And I am NOT any of the things he accuses me of.

Questions

How many tears can one person shed in a lifetime? 

How many times can a person make the same mistake?

Is it a mistake if you genuinely believed at the time that you were doing the right thing? 

How much heartache, bad news, trouble, and pain can the human heart endure? 

How much physical pain can a broken body endure before insanity comes?

How many people must betray a person before they cease to help others? 

At what point does one cease to hope? 

How long will those that deceive, use, take advantage of and willfully destruct others succeed even as those that reach out to show compassion get struck down again and again?

If we all know life isn't fair, why do we hurt so much when that unfairness impacts us yet again? 

How is it that people can say all the right things, but never mean them? 

Why do people expect so much from others when they have no desire to give in return? 

Is it truly dysfunctional to continue to love those that can not care about you, simply because they do not have love for themselves? 

When a person that is, at the moment, incapable of love and compassion and assaults you verbally, should you still reflect on what they have accused and allow it to haunt you? 

Why do people leave when you need them the most? 

How much can one person take? 

Has a person ever died from physical pain from a broken and diseased body? 

Do people die from heartache when it comes year after year? 

Are some people destined to have tragic and heart rending lives? 

Why do people have to pay for another's sins? 

Why do people pull away from those that genuinely care about them, only to cling to those that use them? 

Why do people sling accusations against genuine, real, compassionate human beings even as they cling to those that have no compassion? 

Why would a person chose an "internet" family over a real flesh and blood family that loves them? 

How can people abandon their children? 

How can parents turn against their child due to personal preferences, sexual orientation, or religious beliefs? 

How can I hurt so deeply, feel so much, long to offer support and love..........yet year after year watch people walk away when the weather impacts my health and leaves me broken?

Initial Trust

Such important things I have needed to work on the last few hours. Instead, I've stayed busy with mindless, mundane activities that are nothing more than a waste of time.

Now that I have decided to quit distracting myself from my own thoughts and feelings, it is all starting to pull together for me.

I am finally coming to the full grasp and realization that people should not be trusted, until that trust is earned. It seems in all areas I give trust much to freely. I have extolled the virtues of trusting someone until they give you reason not to trust them.

Tonight I realized the ignorance of this statement and begin to address why I would think this way. I realized that it is somehow a reflection of my thoughts about myself.

Initially, I realized that many moons ago I was a person that trusted no one. After having been through a particularly horrible experience, I shielded myself from any potential pain. I trusted no one and pushed everyone away. If I met someone that I felt was trustworthy and of value, I would second guess their intentions and actions. I would push and push, typically doing the one thing I knew would send them away from me. I didn't want to risk hurt. I had been hurt enough.

Yet, through time, I realized that this was impeding me from ever developing any type of fulfilling relationship, be it friendship or otherwise. I realized it was weakness and not the strength I thought I had sought to develop.

I became the person that everyone could trust and their trust not be forsaken.

I became brutally honest. I would tell a person exactly what I saw, what I thought, what I want and who I am. I did not look at someone and tell them what they wanted to hear merely for the sake of attempting not to displease them. I did not mislead others. I would not agree to participate in something I knew I would not abide by. I did not hide anything in my relationships, freely offering information that would be deemed pertinent without it ever having to be requested. I have continued to be this person even today.

Yet, despite my honesty and transparency, it seemed that many distrusted me even after I had adequately proven myself as trustworthy. This was not due to my own actions, but actions of others upon them. Actions from a past I had nothing to do with. (just as I was many moons ago)

I didn't want to be one of those people. Even though I had become trustworthy, I now felt that I needed to trust others. So, I begin to trust everyone completely. I would trust them until they proved that they were not trustworthy.

I carried this to an unhealthy extreme. As a result, I have been hurt quite often. I have allowed people that were not trustworthy to know me on an intimate basis. I have allowed them to link their energy with mine, even though it was tainted and dishonorable.

Now, it is time for me to find balance. It is time for me to refuse to share myself with anyone that has not proven themselves trustworthy.

It is time for me to value myself enough that I would not dare be with someone I could not trust across the board.

Now, I will seek and find balance in the area of trust.

It is far past time.

Best Friends

Last night I got a call from a ghost. A ghost I never thought to hear from again. A ghost that, for so very long, I had called my very best friend.

We spoke for hours. It was as if we had never spent time apart. Our friendship had started at a young age, when neither of us were certain who we were. A point in time where we were responsible for starting to make decisions that would direct us in our adult lives. We were thick as thieves and nothing, nor anyone, could separate us.

Or so I thought.

After what seemed like a lifetime of friendship, we crossed the bridge into a romantic relationship. I had delayed his interest in the fear that we would somehow lose our friendship. I valued our friendship more than anything else and I knew that I would be unable to live without it.

Our relationship progressed and we spoke of a future together. I was ready to uproot my life and move to where he resided, children in tow. I had always loved him. He had always loved me. We were best friends. What possible reason could there be not to be together?

I am not sure how it happened with him. I have many questions that were never answered. Did he just happen to meet her and know from that moment that she was "the one"? Had he been dating others the entire time he was professing his love to me? He called me almost every night and spoke to me until we fell asleep to each other's voices...... had he called me after he returned from his adventures with others? How long after he met her did he continue to tell me he loved me and speak of our future? How was it, if he were planning a future with me, that he could turn so abruptly away from me to pursue a future with someone else? Had he never meant the things that he told me? He would call me his "Jenny". I had not seen the movie he referred to. I remember the night I finally watched it and how I called him to tell him that it was the most beautiful name he could call me. Forrest loved Jenny completely and without holding back.

Now all I think of is that Jenny died.

For over a decade I have not spoke to my best friend. I forgave him long ago and even became happy for his marriage and children. He was happy, and that is all I ever wanted for him. He contacted me out of the blue years ago to offer an apology which surprised me. I welcomed it wholeheartedly and let him know that I had already forgiven him. Yet, I could not understand why we could not have our friendship. He chose to marry her and live his life with her over me. He was in a solid relationship with me, planning our future, and once he met her he forgot that I existed. Why would she prohibit our friendship? What could she possibly fear? He loved her in a way he had never loved me, why must he and I lose such an old friendship? He did not answer, and we did not speak again.

Until yesterday.

When I saw his message I did a doubletake. I blinked my eyes, leaned forward, and looked again. Was that really his name beside the message? Could it be someone else with the same name? Why was he contacting me?

I quickly realized that he was still seeking absolution. He was still carrying guilt over how he treated me and the pain he had caused me. Although I had let go of that pain and anger, he still held on to the impact of it. He still saw the scars he inflicted upon me that I still carry. He feels the pain of the scars even though I no longer notice they are there (or so I tell myself though my deep rooted trust issues speak against that notion).

Yet, I couldn't understand why he sought absolution from me. I had given him that which he sought years ago when I told him I had forgiven him. The answer came when I once again questioned why we could not have our friendship as it posed no threat to his marriage. He was the reason. Through choices and decisions he made regarding how he portrayed our history, he has burned that bridge. In an attempt to protect his wife that he loved more, he instead betrayed her trust. She had banished me from his life, and hers. Our friendship is never to be again.

Knowing it is one thing. Seeing the words as I type them is another. There is a weight that comes with the knowledge that something is forever. I had always thought that eventually she would get over whatever insecurities that she had and we would be great friends. I knew that he and I always befriended the same types of people and that if he married, she would be someone I would like and get along with. Yet, to discover that there was so much more to the story and that the bridge to our friendship had been burned.... I am saddened.

There is no one else left that I am that close to or that knows me that well. They have all left this world. No one else is left that connects me to my childhood or the innocent and naive girl that I once was. No one else remembers that child that looked out to the world smiling and whose insatiable appetite to understand everything led her into adventures no one else could imagine.

The stories he and I could tell of nighttime adventures and mishaps.... I smile just thinking of them.

We had such great fun. We were thick as thieves and nothing, nor anyone, could ever separate us.

Or so I thought.

Why I Trust... NO ONE

Because I was the 8 year old little girl that wrapped the blankets all around me like a mummy, even tucking them under my feet and laid absolutely, perfectly still hoping if I wasn't heard I would be forgotten.

Because when those that loved me found out, they covered it up and did nothing about it.

Because even now they won't tell me who.

Because throughout all my years growing up I was taught that I never did anything right, I was never good enough, I should have been born a boy, and that nothing I did would ever be enough.

Because now, all these years later, they still feel the same way about me.

Because even after being molested as a child, I didn't get to willingly have sex the first time. My virginity was snatched away by a man named Stan, who only laughed at me when I sat crying and cleaning up the blood after.

Because he beat me AFTER I gave birth to his child, but never in any of the years we were together before.

Because he beat and raped me day after day after day while continously screaming that he loved me more than anyone else would.

Because he taught me that I never did anything right, I was never good enough, no one would ever love me apart from him, and that nothing I did would ever be enough.

Because after leaving him, I couldn't look into myself and see anything worthy or beautiful.

Because years later, when I had a third child with another man, he began to attack me physically. Never before our child, only after.

Because he still torments and threatens me, despite my having removed myself from his life a decade ago.

Because when I finally found someone I thought loved me, I married him, only to discover the night of my wedding that he truly did not love me but only wanted me to help him financially.

Because knowing that, I stayed hoping that he would learn to love me, and being devastated when he walked out after he got all that he wanted financially.

Because I waited all these years to tell someone all these things.

Because I waited all these years to tell someone many of my fears, my insecurities, my heartache, my pain.

Because I waited all these years to let someone in past all the barricades and the walls.

Because waited all these years for someone that understood. Someone that didn't think bad of me for those things.

Because I waited all these years for someone that didn't think less of me.

Because waited all these years for someone that  wanted to know all of it and think that I was good enough.

Because I  waited all these years for someone that would not betray me.

Because I waited all these years for someone that would not lie to me.

Because I waited all these years for someone that would not leave me.

Sometimes

Sometimes, your faith in a person can break you beyond anything you could ever imagine.

Sometimes, your faith in a person is so completely misplaced that when you are standing in the midst of the chaos you can't figure out how you ever believed it.

Sometimes, you find that not only was the faith you had in them misplaced, but others that are in their lives was misplaced as well.

Sometimes, you look at a person you've respected for most of your life, even if you rarely saw them, and listen to them tell you the lies they believe about you and feel pain because you can't understand how they could believe those lies when the person telling them has proven themselves to be dishonest repeatedly.

Sometimes you don't understand how someone could intentionally do something that hurts children, even when you beg them not to.

Sometimes, you think that you will NEVER have faith or trust in another human being.

Sometimes, that day is today.

OH MY FLIPPIN GOD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

What the heck?? Does the crazy come out in everyone at once?

HIM....the wonderful, supportive, proud of you for working on you, respect my decision not to date and remain celibate is suddenly pushing to see me, for us to be together. Seriously?? Cause it was only the other day you supported my decision!! What exactly changed between now and then? You're giving me a week and then want to see me. A week? What the hell??

But that isn't enough. Oh no. My most recent exboyfriend (yes, the one that took my pills and lied t me about it) has suddenly decided to......

TELL ME THE TRUTH!

I totally expected him to continue on his merry little way, down the path that he chose over being with me.

But no.

He's confessed. Said that he knows he fucked up a really good thing. Says he wants to be with me. Says he loves me. Says I know him better than anyone else does (well no shit, I've known him a hell of a lot longer than anyone else and was his confidant for years).

I told him that each time during our relationship that a problem arose, that I always had to be the one to fix it. I told him that I have been there for him, supported him, helped him, and loved him throughout a lot of shit and that I was not going to fix it this time. That I should not have attempted to fix his fuck ups the other times. That if he wanted me then he would damn well stand up, commit to it, and work for it. He said "OK" to which I replied, "Really? Cause we both know you don't like to commit and work at anything." (Not making a low blow, but he prefers to alienate himself, put up walls, and not allow himself to get to close and he knew I was referring to this).

He wants to spend tonight with me.

I told him no sex. He said he still wanted to come over. I questioned it and he replied, "I know you better than that."

Damn him all to hell. He's right. He knows my Scorpio side craves sex on a regular basis and I've been starved for two weeks.

But I also know that sex with him will open up the emotions. Will make me feel vulnerable.

And damn it all to hell he doesn't deserve sex with me. I don't trust him. At all. He wants to fuck me he can damn well make sure I trust him first. Cause right now having sex with him would be like having sex with anyone just for the sake of sex.

Ahhhh shit. Who am I kidding?

 I want to find validation in his touch.

I want to see that look he'll give me which reminds me of the depth of his emotions, despite the walls he puts up.

I want to have him hold me all night, keep me warm, wake me with something to drink and anything else I may need.

I want to feel like he missed me.

Like he loves me.

Like he's going to fight for me.

I know that he misses me. I know he loves me.

I don't know that he's going to fight for me.

In all reality, I seriously doubt he'll fight for me.

Why does life have to be so damn confusing?

Why do we have to be so dysfunctional?

Why can't I just stand my ground and make him prove to me that he is committed, trustworthy, and worth all the possible pain and hurt that could potentially happen?

He told me he didn't know how to "fix" us.

To be quite honest, I don't know either.

Easier Today

I heard a song. It reminded me of you. It's called Stronger (What Doesn't Kill You). It's by Kelly Clarkson. I didn't even like her when I first heard her music. Funny how time changes things. 

I saw a post on FB. It said, "You discover your real emotional strength when someone you love turns their back on you". I thought of you. Yet, I disagree with this statement. When you walked out on me and turned your back on me, I had no strength left. I was shattered. I couldn't put the pieces back together, nor could I move past the pain. I didn't discover my "real emotional strength". I discovered I had no strength at all. I knew I couldn't do it. I cried out to God. I pleaded with Him. I spent night after night up late, crying in my bathroom so our children would't hear. Sleepless nights, a pain in the center of my core, and seeing my dreams broken and lying around me. That's where I was. 

God heard my cries. He was moved and showed compassion to me. Had I listened to Him all along, I might not know this pain. Yet, despite my being in pain due to my own disobedience, He still reached out to comfort Me. He has provided for our family in spite of the mess you left us in. He has shown Himself to us at every turn. He has shown that nothing is greater then He is. 

He's teaching me that His plans are greater then my dreams. I'm not sure what His plans are. Letting go of my dreams is very very difficult. It leaves a gaping hole, a hole that you used to fill. Yet, I know that "in Christ all things are possible". I keep the candle holder you gave me that says that very thing on the sink in my bathroom, so that I'll see it throughout the day. 

I also keep the plaque you gave me there. The one that said you knew that God had sent me to you. It reminds me that I had no control over your choices and decisions. That you loved me at one point in time. That you aren't running from myself and the children, but rather from all the demons you have yet to face from your own past. 

Each day gets a little bit easier. There isn't a day that I don't think about you, but I do  have days now without tears. 

Someone asked why I didn't hate you. It's simply because I know where you are. I remember running from emotions, memories, and pain I didn't want to feel. I remember drowning them in alcohol and drugs. I remember those I hurt. Becoming a mother was enough to keep me from ever walking that path again. And though I would have hoped that becoming a husband and father would have been enough to keep you from that path, I can only pray now that you reclaim the life God has for you. 

Today I took the kids and a friend to the ice cream shop. The one you and I would go to on our date nights. It was actually nice. Symbolic even. The first place I've gone to that you and I had visited on a date. 

Things are getting a little bit easier each and every day. And to use Steven Curtis Chapman's words, though "the valleys are deeper and the mountains are steeper than I ever would've dreamed",  I know that "when we can't take another step, the Father will pick us up and carry us in His arms". 

I pray one day you know the same.