Breakups

You know how when you are finally at the point of ending a relationship, and you are relieved that it's over? You tell yourself that in time you won't even think about the new ex anymore, and that any hurt will fade?

I don't feel relieved.

I don't want to forget.

Logic tells me that I am a fool and I need to believe his actions instead of his words.

My heart tells me that his love for me is deep and never ending.

I am conflicted.

I don't recall this having ever happened before.

I want him to love himself, like who he is, and be confident in his abilities. I want him to quit blaming himself for everything, and to quit thinking any and all of his previous failed relationships were completely his fault. I want him to learn that showing and sharing emotions do not make us weak, but strengthen us. I want him to know that a person can give another what they want, and it not be giving in or "changing". I want him to believe that he can accept my love because he is worthy of it. I want him to give me his love, even if he had to do it afraid. I want that connection. Even when logic tells me it can never happen, my heart won't let me stop believing.

And when the hell have I ever let heart trump logic??? Maybe he is right. Maybe truly loving someone completely does make us weak. I feel weak. I feel splintered. I feel hollow.

I'm just a big mess of walking contradictions! Now I am frustrated and angry.

I gave it my all, and I could't make it work. It didn't work because I was trying and he was just there. It takes two to make a relationship work. Each time he told me he didn't want to spend quality time with me or do something enjoyable with me because he didn't "like" it, I just wanted to punch him.

How royally screwed up is it that I want to hear the dogs barking, go to see who is outside, and see him standing there with a bouquet of flowers and plans to finally take me and give me his undivided attention?

Shit.

I'm stuck in a Disney fairytale.

Only life has never given me happy endings.

Where does time go......

My last post was a month after I met him. I've been with him ever since. Until yesterday.

He and I both felt a connection that neither of us had ever felt before. It was as if we had an energy that bound us, flowed through us, and made each of us stronger. The depth of emotion we felt (well, I know I felt) was intense and unlike anything I've ever known. I was certain that the connection we felt was proof that we were meant to be together. I honestly felt, and even now feel, that we were created to be together. We fit, perfectly.

And somehow I fell into the same old habits. The same things I had promised myself I would never do again. I justified the sacrifices for what I thought we had.

I gave
     and
           gave
                and gave. When his dishonesty was first discovered, I listened to his reason and accepted it as truth. With each subsequent episode of deception, I listened to his reasons and clung to his promises that he would never do it again.

I gave
     and
           gave
                and gave. I put forth all the effort for us to see one another.

I gave
     and
           gave
                and gave. I worked diligently to build a friendship with him.

I gave
     and
           gave
                and gave. I gave up my friends to attempt to soothe his jealousy, insecurity, and false accusations.

I gave
     and
           gave
                and gave. I begged and pleaded for his time, attention and energy.

I gave
     and
           gave
                and gave. I believed his reasons, even when I knew they were not true.

I gave
     and
           gave
                and gave. I settled for our few dates being only restaurants, and even then only his favorites.

I gave
     and
           gave
                and gave. I gave up plans, goals and vacations waiting for him to follow through with his promises to do those things with me.

I gave
     and
           gave
                and gave. Throughout the entire time that one of his exes stalked, harassed and tormented me, as he stood by refusing to stop it, telling me I was a drama queen for allowing such harassment to bother me.

I gave
     and
           gave
                and gave. I spent three more months giving him opportunity to invest in our relationship and friendship, AFTER he told me that he didn't want to do anything with me outside of what we were already doing.

I gave
     and
           gave
                and gave. Even after his assurance that he didn't want me for anything then we had presently made me feel like a used piece of ass.

I gave
     and
           gave
                and gave. Past the point that I believed I had given my all.

I gave
     and
           gave
                and gave. I kept believing in him, in us, in the plans we had made.
I gave
     and
           gave
                and gave. After he told me that he was going to give to his ex, that which he had denied me.

I gave
     and
           gave
                and gave. After he told me that ex had inserted herself into our relationship, and he did nothing to prevent it.

I gave
     and
           gave
                and gave. Him my body, my love, my soul, my devotion, my loyalty, my sincerity, my honesty, my openness, my sacrifice.

He took
     and
          took
               and took. Even after I told him that I needed him to put forth some effort.

He took
     and
          took
               and took. Even after I told him that I needed him to meet me in the middle.

He took
     and
          took
               and took. Even after I pleaded with him to allow us to develop a friendship.

He took
     and
          took
               and took. Even after I told him that I needed his honesty.

He took
     and
          took
               and took. Even after I sacrificed all I had to give.

He took
     and
          took
               and took. Even after I told him that I felt as if I were being treated like a piece of ass.

He took
     and
          took
               and took. After I told him I was empty.

He took
     and
          took
               and took. After I told him that if things stayed the same it would destroy me, shatter me, and break me.

He took
     and
          took
               and took. Even when I begged and pleaded for some sign that he wanted our relationship and friendship to succeed.

He took
     and
          took
               and took. Even when I told him that I just needed him to make some teeny tiny effort for me to stay.

I have sat today and read through each blog post that I've made as Splintered Crimson. I have wondered how I made the same mistakes I was certain I would never make. Why would I justify those things simply because of a connection and absolute conviction that we were created to be together.

I am broken. I am shattered. I am splintered.

In the words of Soundgarden, "I've given everything I need, I'd give you everything I own, I'd give in if it could at least be ours alone, I've given everything I could."  

I can stand here today, separate and apart from him and know that I gave him much more than my all. I handed him my entire being. I gave him the parts I'd never given anyone.

Again, in the words of Soundgarden, "Nothing seems to kill me, no matter how hard I try. Nothing is closing my eyes. Nothing can bet me down for your pain or delight. And nothing seems to break me, no matter how hard I fall nothing can break me at all. Not one for giving up, though invincible I know.   

I still know that he and I were created to be together. We were designed as one, and we fit together. Perfectly. 

I still believe but have no hope. 

I now doubt. Was his words the truth or were his actions? Does he love me and want to spend his life with me or does he want to give me nothing except on his terms, and the way he likes, while dismissing my needs? Was I merely company, conversation and sex and nothing more or did he long for us to be more but let his own issues interfere? 

I no longer can hope. I can no longer be certain. 

The only thing that I know is that he and I were created to be together. 

     I thought that meant we would be. 

          I thought that meant I could give everything I had to him & he'd cherish, appreciate, protect it. 

     I thought that meant that the investments would be worth the gain. 

I thought that meant we'd spend our lives together. 

We all have someone out there made for us. Someone we are supposed to spend our lives with. Someone that will be the yin to our yang and balance us. Someone that will be our opposite to everyone else's eyes due to the balance we must give one another, but when it comes to who we are inside the two will be the same. 

Yet, that doesn't mean that it will work. Everything in life is a choice. We have to choose to deal with our baggage. We have to choose to deal with our past. We have to chose to battle our demons and win. We have to chose to do the hard stuff so that we can have the good stuff. 

For the first time in my life, I know that I will no longer make the same mistakes. I will never again give myself to someone that doesn't appreciate me. I will no longer give myself to someone that doesn't want me to. I will no longer give myself to someone that denies me a return. I will no longer give myself to someone that rejects me, criticizes me, betrays me or forsakes me. 

I will no longer fall into all the sacrificial givings that I have fallen prey to. 

I can be confident of this. Because I have no doubts that I will never date again. How could I be with another knowing that I was created to be with him? How unfair would that be to another? 

Life is a bitch. I'm pissed at God as I've remained for some time. You can not miss that which you do not now exists. But now I long and crave and desire with a passion that seeks to consume me that which I now know exists but has been denied to me. 18 years he and I were around each other on and off, but never did our paths cross. We were sometimes less than a football field away from each other, but never met. Yet now, now the forces that be bring us together only to deny us that which we are destined to have. Yeah, life is a bitch. 

             

Revelation

This morning I woke. I did not want to transition to daylight hours. I felt overwhelmed.

 I realized that I was opening myself up in a way that I never have before.

This journey is more than I thought it would be. I feel like I may suffocate. He will see ME. The parts of me I have always hidden. The parts of me I have just started to share here.

What will happen if I let someone see the me that I have kept hidden for all of my adult life?

I feel the fear. The fear I haven't felt since, as a young child, I discovered to never truly trust anyone. The fear that taught me to always keep myself at a distance, even without letting no one know that this is what I was doing. The fear that enabled others to describe me as "an inspiration", "passionate" and having a "depth of emotion" even when I knew that I was deceiving them in many ways.

This journey will mean that he will see how broken, shattered, and lost that I am. He will see the demons I wage war with. He will see beyond the facade I have presented to the world since childhood.

Will he love me once he sees that I am not strong as he was led to believe?

Somehow, I think he always knew.

Yet, that's not possible, is it? No one has ever known. I am a master at keeping the "real me" hidden and locked away. It's locked so deep inside of me that often I do not know who that person is any longer.

Can I, after 30 years, start to open those doors?

Can I, after 30 years, believe that someone may actually love the broken, dejected, abused and shattered soul that I carry within me?

Can I, after 30 years, actually trust someone?

I do not know.

I am terrified.

I have had panic attacks throughout the day.

Panic attacks I have not had since childhood.

The feeling that the bad people are coming. That they are watching. That dreaded sense I had as a young child that resulted in my never sleeping, staying clothed beyond all belief, and wrapping myself completely in blankets when in bed.

I panicked. I did NOT want to be in charge. I did NOT want to make decisions.

I was lost in fear.

Frantic.

Yet, even when I begged him to take control, he did not argue. Yet, as I started to write, I realized..... he never really took control. He left me in control, and though our conversation changed (such as him stating that today would be a good day to do x,y,z), he still had allowed me to be in complete control.

I am a mastermind at the opposite.....allowing the men in my life to think they have control when in actual reality I controlled every aspect of life.

Yet, never did I realize the opposite existed. He managed to give me the breather I needed, all while I never lost control.

Confusing it is.

Yet, so comforting.

With that realization, I called him in.

I apologized for neglecting my responsibilities. I promised I would not do so again.

He smiled, knowing that I was OK again.

Somehow, it is OK.

This is going to be a tough journey. We're both going to have to be in a constant state of learning and change.

Whereas I thought he would struggle and find the anxiety and fear of the dynamics to much to happen, it appears that I am the one with the greatest struggle.

I thought he was so much more adept at hiding his emotions and keeping them buried beneath walls. There is one fundamental difference though.

He was only hiding his emotions and thoughts from others.

I have been hiding my emotions and thoughts from myself since childhood.

True submission is not fear.....it's devotion

When I first started learning about different aspects of the master/slave dynamic, I was dumbfounded. I saw men and women that were miserable, no self esteem, and serving out of fear. I didn't understand it. Then, I ran across a site that chronicled the life of a master and his two slaves. When he took in those two slaves, they were beaten down, dejected, felt worthless. They had been brutally abused and mistreated. Yet, this master built them up. He took away their day to day stresses (what to eat, what to do with their time, what to wear, etc) so that the focus could be on their emotional and mental healing. In time, they grew in amazing ways and went out into the world confident and happy. They went to college, obtained employment and were downright happy. They respected their master and their devotion to him for all that he had given them was profound. This is when I realized that I longed for that type of healing and begin to wonder if that would be the path I would take to get there.

However, that master is a rarity. He didn't take his pleasure and then give to them with "after care". He cared for them every second of every day and met their needs first. They cared for him out of true devotion, not fear. They trusted him. He believed in them.

I can never imagine trusting anyone to that extent. I can't imagine giving anyone control of my life.

But what I wouldn't do for just a short period where the stress of survival alone was removed from me.