Necessary vs What I Want

As a child I was responsible for attempting to keep the peace in the house. That basically meant taking over for my mother, keeping the house and raising my two siblings while trying like hell to walk on eggshells so I didn’t get beaten.

At 16 I was on my own. I’ve primarily been that way ever since, even raising my kids on my own. I fix what breaks, don’t buy it if I can pay cash for it, and do not need anyone. I am independent, self sufficient, and dominant in real life. This is my life based on what is necessary. It’s what I have to do because there isn’t another way.

Due to always having to be in charge in real life, I seriously enjoy being submissive in the bedroom (at times).

Yet, if I were to be honest, I wish that I could just live a real life where I’m not in charge of everything. I would be completely ok with staying home all day, tending kids and keeping house. I want to be able to make all the decisions regarding the house (how to decorate, what to do during the day, shopping, meal planning, etc). I wouldn’t want to manage the full budget but would rather be given three allowances; one for frivolous purchases as I see fit,, one for everything the home needs (toiletries, food, furniture, etc), and one for whatever the kids and my partner needs such as clothing.

I’m a hell of a cook but rarely get to cook because I am so busy trying to keep up with everything. I’d love to spend several days a week cooking up a great meal to be enjoyed when my partner comes home at the end of a long workday (several days but instead of all cause I know how to use cooking days to prep for other days). I’d love to be able to shower and slip into slinky lingerie and curl up in bed knowing my house is spotless and everyone feels comfy like a fat cat in front of the fireplace. I want to go to bed with sex and be woken the same way.

I would willing devote evenings to my partners non-sexual pursuits, interest, and so forth in exchange for not having to be the only person in charge. I exclude sexual because there are some hard limits I have that must be respected.

Insert long sigh here

Ultimately, this is a dream. Although two of my children are technically grown, their health issues mean they’ll always need some oversight or assistance. My youngest is 13 with a major mental illness. I have health issues that periodically mean I have to spend a day or few in bed to recuperate. Loyalty, honesty, devotion, being a hella great cook, great in the sack, passionate, and living life to the fullest are all characteristics that make me a hell of a catch, but nothing I have to offer outweighs the reality of being an unhealthy single mom of three kids with special needs (this isn’t my view just that of most everyone else).

Still, a gal can dream. I always thought this dream made me weak but I realized that I’ve done more, accomplished more and conquered more than most healthy people ever even consider doing.

There is no weakness in wanting to stay at home and keep it a smooth running machine where others flock for a sense of acceptance and safety. There is nothing wrong with a woman that wants a man in charge.

What I Want To Be When I Grow Up

When I was a child, I was often asked, "What do you want to be when you grow up?"

I would beam and reply, "A Mommy!"

I quickly learned that a young girl growing up in the late 70s and 80s was NOT supposed to reply in this manner. It was drilled into me that I was to go to college and have a career before any thoughts of motherhood. I needed to be professional, successful, and wealthy. I could not EVER depend on a man. I had to be fully self sufficient financially, physically, emotionally and mentally. I needed to do and be all. I did not need a man nor should I want one until the point in time I could say, "I've arrived".

I learned these lessons well. Although I did have my first child prior to establishing my career and spent the next three years in an abusive relationship, I quickly regained my feet upon fleeing his prison. I regained all the characteristics I had before he became abusive, with a few extra chains and walls for good measure. I learned to be both mother and father since he wasn't in the picture. I managed all our needs and was good at what I did. I was Wonder Woman and nothing could knock me down.

Except chronic health issues that kept me in bed for almost two years. You learn allot about yourself when you are laid on your back with a nurse caring for your most basic and private needs.

Yet, despite all that I realized about myself, I thought those things were WRONG. So, I continued to fight against them.

Over a decade later, I'm finally learning to embrace them.

I have proven to myself and everyone else that I can do everything on my own. Not only can I do everything on my own, I can succeed at it. Sure, there were mishaps along the way. I didn't realize that a heat pump's capacitor holds a charge even after all the breakers are turned off. I flooded the living room of my new home when installing the dishwasher. I cut the grill on to clean it, got distracted with Mommy duties, and let the gas grill run through the night until my newly filled tank was empty. I've been taken advantage of and stolen from. I've realized I could have made better decisions. I've realized that some of the goals I set out to reach, and conquered, weren't really things I should have spent time on. I've made mistakes. Sometimes I've had epic fail moments. Yet, I've done it. I have navigated college successfully, raised children with special needs, battled chronic health issues, ran a successful side business, volunteered in a number of ventures that enriched my life, learned a ton of hobbies that ended up earning income, helped others, and taught my children a foundation that will carry them through life resilient and able to survive hell and high water. I have "arrived" and am still on my path to furthering and bettering my family's situation in life.

Yet, I have never accomplished what I truly wanted. The relationship that I never sought because it was not what others expected of me. I have always been in control and I was good at it, as expected. I however have never had the opportunity to explore the relationship that I saw in my mind when, as a child, I would proudly tell people that I wanted to be a "Mommy".

You see, I didn't see myself with degrees, multi-faceted life experiences, and a list of successes that would be remembered after I was gone. I saw myself only a Mommy that stayed home, cleaned house, cooked meals and tended to the children. I would decorate, shop, and bake. I would make my children's clothes and hem hand me downs. I would plant a garden and have plants and flowers. I would greet my husband at the door when he came home from work with a kiss and a glass of his preferred beverage (though in my child's mind it was always iced, southern sweet tea). I would banish the children to their rooms after hugs and greetings to give Daddy and I a much earned break. Dinner would be sitting in the oven keeping warm as we discussed our day. Children's bedtimes were story times with Daddy tucking them in. Then, Daddy would send me to our room to prepare for our night.

I would willingly support his decisions, even if it went contrary to my input and in that I would feel safe knowing that he would take responsibility for his decisions. I would aide him in reaching his dreams, goals, and visions for our family, himself and our career. I would dress to please him. I would host dinners and events so that he could relax and spend time with his friends. I would bring him cold drinks and hand him tools as he worked on our car. I would bring sandwiches to his garage when a pet project kept him occupied. I would fill my life with soccer mom activities, knitting and reading books. I would make sure that our home was a place of safety and security, comforting regardless of the day and hour.

I would be Carolyn Ingles.

Yet, I have never experienced those childhood dreams. I have always been in charge. I thought it was the only option a RESPECTABLE woman had.

Now, it is time to follow the one dream I have not experienced. No, I'm not going out searching for a husband or a daddy for my children. I seek to acquire my childhood dream whether I ever find anyone to share it with.

You see, my dream has been impossible due to my own nonacceptance of it. I felt it was wrong therefore I never embraced it. I pushed down all longings for it. I attempted to retrain the very essence of who I was. I built a facade that met other people's, and society's expectations.

Now, I am slowly (and anonymously at first) tearing down that facade. I am recapturing my childhood dreams and bringing them to life. I am embracing them, loving them and BELIEVING in them.

It really does not matter to me should I ever find someone to share them with.

What matters is that I am TRUE to myself.

Accepting yourself fully...........
                       That is LIVING in the truest sense of the word.


(Special thanks to the one that suggested I was still able to find the little girl that I once was. I was certain she had died long ago yet after much reflection, I found this part of her hidden deep down inside. Thank you for this gift.)