Breakups

You know how when you are finally at the point of ending a relationship, and you are relieved that it's over? You tell yourself that in time you won't even think about the new ex anymore, and that any hurt will fade?

I don't feel relieved.

I don't want to forget.

Logic tells me that I am a fool and I need to believe his actions instead of his words.

My heart tells me that his love for me is deep and never ending.

I am conflicted.

I don't recall this having ever happened before.

I want him to love himself, like who he is, and be confident in his abilities. I want him to quit blaming himself for everything, and to quit thinking any and all of his previous failed relationships were completely his fault. I want him to learn that showing and sharing emotions do not make us weak, but strengthen us. I want him to know that a person can give another what they want, and it not be giving in or "changing". I want him to believe that he can accept my love because he is worthy of it. I want him to give me his love, even if he had to do it afraid. I want that connection. Even when logic tells me it can never happen, my heart won't let me stop believing.

And when the hell have I ever let heart trump logic??? Maybe he is right. Maybe truly loving someone completely does make us weak. I feel weak. I feel splintered. I feel hollow.

I'm just a big mess of walking contradictions! Now I am frustrated and angry.

I gave it my all, and I could't make it work. It didn't work because I was trying and he was just there. It takes two to make a relationship work. Each time he told me he didn't want to spend quality time with me or do something enjoyable with me because he didn't "like" it, I just wanted to punch him.

How royally screwed up is it that I want to hear the dogs barking, go to see who is outside, and see him standing there with a bouquet of flowers and plans to finally take me and give me his undivided attention?

Shit.

I'm stuck in a Disney fairytale.

Only life has never given me happy endings.

Questions

How many tears can one person shed in a lifetime? 

How many times can a person make the same mistake?

Is it a mistake if you genuinely believed at the time that you were doing the right thing? 

How much heartache, bad news, trouble, and pain can the human heart endure? 

How much physical pain can a broken body endure before insanity comes?

How many people must betray a person before they cease to help others? 

At what point does one cease to hope? 

How long will those that deceive, use, take advantage of and willfully destruct others succeed even as those that reach out to show compassion get struck down again and again?

If we all know life isn't fair, why do we hurt so much when that unfairness impacts us yet again? 

How is it that people can say all the right things, but never mean them? 

Why do people expect so much from others when they have no desire to give in return? 

Is it truly dysfunctional to continue to love those that can not care about you, simply because they do not have love for themselves? 

When a person that is, at the moment, incapable of love and compassion and assaults you verbally, should you still reflect on what they have accused and allow it to haunt you? 

Why do people leave when you need them the most? 

How much can one person take? 

Has a person ever died from physical pain from a broken and diseased body? 

Do people die from heartache when it comes year after year? 

Are some people destined to have tragic and heart rending lives? 

Why do people have to pay for another's sins? 

Why do people pull away from those that genuinely care about them, only to cling to those that use them? 

Why do people sling accusations against genuine, real, compassionate human beings even as they cling to those that have no compassion? 

Why would a person chose an "internet" family over a real flesh and blood family that loves them? 

How can people abandon their children? 

How can parents turn against their child due to personal preferences, sexual orientation, or religious beliefs? 

How can I hurt so deeply, feel so much, long to offer support and love..........yet year after year watch people walk away when the weather impacts my health and leaves me broken?