Irony

His accusations never seem to cease.

He firmly believes that I am someone I am not.

He believes I am a selfish, jealous, manipulative woman that seeks to control and change him.

He told me in the beginning he was basing what he thought of me on his experiences with previous women he had dated.

Had he taken the time to get to know me, he would have been able to accurately determine my character.

Had he taken the time to get to know me, he would have been able to see what I could and could not do.

He still refuses me that.

He still refuses to take the opportunity to get to know me.

If he were to do so now, he could accurately determine who I was.

He could then discover that I have never been what he accused me of.

He could then know who I am.

Then, if he chose to reject me, he'd be rejecting me for who I am.

That would be easier to accept.

Instead, he chooses to reject me for someone he convinced himself that I was.

His reasons for doing so don't seem to matter anymore.

What matters is that he chooses to cling to the false belief that I am like every other woman he's ever dated or known.

One day he'll realize he was wrong.

Breakups

You know how when you are finally at the point of ending a relationship, and you are relieved that it's over? You tell yourself that in time you won't even think about the new ex anymore, and that any hurt will fade?

I don't feel relieved.

I don't want to forget.

Logic tells me that I am a fool and I need to believe his actions instead of his words.

My heart tells me that his love for me is deep and never ending.

I am conflicted.

I don't recall this having ever happened before.

I want him to love himself, like who he is, and be confident in his abilities. I want him to quit blaming himself for everything, and to quit thinking any and all of his previous failed relationships were completely his fault. I want him to learn that showing and sharing emotions do not make us weak, but strengthen us. I want him to know that a person can give another what they want, and it not be giving in or "changing". I want him to believe that he can accept my love because he is worthy of it. I want him to give me his love, even if he had to do it afraid. I want that connection. Even when logic tells me it can never happen, my heart won't let me stop believing.

And when the hell have I ever let heart trump logic??? Maybe he is right. Maybe truly loving someone completely does make us weak. I feel weak. I feel splintered. I feel hollow.

I'm just a big mess of walking contradictions! Now I am frustrated and angry.

I gave it my all, and I could't make it work. It didn't work because I was trying and he was just there. It takes two to make a relationship work. Each time he told me he didn't want to spend quality time with me or do something enjoyable with me because he didn't "like" it, I just wanted to punch him.

How royally screwed up is it that I want to hear the dogs barking, go to see who is outside, and see him standing there with a bouquet of flowers and plans to finally take me and give me his undivided attention?

Shit.

I'm stuck in a Disney fairytale.

Only life has never given me happy endings.

Where does time go......

My last post was a month after I met him. I've been with him ever since. Until yesterday.

He and I both felt a connection that neither of us had ever felt before. It was as if we had an energy that bound us, flowed through us, and made each of us stronger. The depth of emotion we felt (well, I know I felt) was intense and unlike anything I've ever known. I was certain that the connection we felt was proof that we were meant to be together. I honestly felt, and even now feel, that we were created to be together. We fit, perfectly.

And somehow I fell into the same old habits. The same things I had promised myself I would never do again. I justified the sacrifices for what I thought we had.

I gave
     and
           gave
                and gave. When his dishonesty was first discovered, I listened to his reason and accepted it as truth. With each subsequent episode of deception, I listened to his reasons and clung to his promises that he would never do it again.

I gave
     and
           gave
                and gave. I put forth all the effort for us to see one another.

I gave
     and
           gave
                and gave. I worked diligently to build a friendship with him.

I gave
     and
           gave
                and gave. I gave up my friends to attempt to soothe his jealousy, insecurity, and false accusations.

I gave
     and
           gave
                and gave. I begged and pleaded for his time, attention and energy.

I gave
     and
           gave
                and gave. I believed his reasons, even when I knew they were not true.

I gave
     and
           gave
                and gave. I settled for our few dates being only restaurants, and even then only his favorites.

I gave
     and
           gave
                and gave. I gave up plans, goals and vacations waiting for him to follow through with his promises to do those things with me.

I gave
     and
           gave
                and gave. Throughout the entire time that one of his exes stalked, harassed and tormented me, as he stood by refusing to stop it, telling me I was a drama queen for allowing such harassment to bother me.

I gave
     and
           gave
                and gave. I spent three more months giving him opportunity to invest in our relationship and friendship, AFTER he told me that he didn't want to do anything with me outside of what we were already doing.

I gave
     and
           gave
                and gave. Even after his assurance that he didn't want me for anything then we had presently made me feel like a used piece of ass.

I gave
     and
           gave
                and gave. Past the point that I believed I had given my all.

I gave
     and
           gave
                and gave. I kept believing in him, in us, in the plans we had made.
I gave
     and
           gave
                and gave. After he told me that he was going to give to his ex, that which he had denied me.

I gave
     and
           gave
                and gave. After he told me that ex had inserted herself into our relationship, and he did nothing to prevent it.

I gave
     and
           gave
                and gave. Him my body, my love, my soul, my devotion, my loyalty, my sincerity, my honesty, my openness, my sacrifice.

He took
     and
          took
               and took. Even after I told him that I needed him to put forth some effort.

He took
     and
          took
               and took. Even after I told him that I needed him to meet me in the middle.

He took
     and
          took
               and took. Even after I pleaded with him to allow us to develop a friendship.

He took
     and
          took
               and took. Even after I told him that I needed his honesty.

He took
     and
          took
               and took. Even after I sacrificed all I had to give.

He took
     and
          took
               and took. Even after I told him that I felt as if I were being treated like a piece of ass.

He took
     and
          took
               and took. After I told him I was empty.

He took
     and
          took
               and took. After I told him that if things stayed the same it would destroy me, shatter me, and break me.

He took
     and
          took
               and took. Even when I begged and pleaded for some sign that he wanted our relationship and friendship to succeed.

He took
     and
          took
               and took. Even when I told him that I just needed him to make some teeny tiny effort for me to stay.

I have sat today and read through each blog post that I've made as Splintered Crimson. I have wondered how I made the same mistakes I was certain I would never make. Why would I justify those things simply because of a connection and absolute conviction that we were created to be together.

I am broken. I am shattered. I am splintered.

In the words of Soundgarden, "I've given everything I need, I'd give you everything I own, I'd give in if it could at least be ours alone, I've given everything I could."  

I can stand here today, separate and apart from him and know that I gave him much more than my all. I handed him my entire being. I gave him the parts I'd never given anyone.

Again, in the words of Soundgarden, "Nothing seems to kill me, no matter how hard I try. Nothing is closing my eyes. Nothing can bet me down for your pain or delight. And nothing seems to break me, no matter how hard I fall nothing can break me at all. Not one for giving up, though invincible I know.   

I still know that he and I were created to be together. We were designed as one, and we fit together. Perfectly. 

I still believe but have no hope. 

I now doubt. Was his words the truth or were his actions? Does he love me and want to spend his life with me or does he want to give me nothing except on his terms, and the way he likes, while dismissing my needs? Was I merely company, conversation and sex and nothing more or did he long for us to be more but let his own issues interfere? 

I no longer can hope. I can no longer be certain. 

The only thing that I know is that he and I were created to be together. 

     I thought that meant we would be. 

          I thought that meant I could give everything I had to him & he'd cherish, appreciate, protect it. 

     I thought that meant that the investments would be worth the gain. 

I thought that meant we'd spend our lives together. 

We all have someone out there made for us. Someone we are supposed to spend our lives with. Someone that will be the yin to our yang and balance us. Someone that will be our opposite to everyone else's eyes due to the balance we must give one another, but when it comes to who we are inside the two will be the same. 

Yet, that doesn't mean that it will work. Everything in life is a choice. We have to choose to deal with our baggage. We have to choose to deal with our past. We have to chose to battle our demons and win. We have to chose to do the hard stuff so that we can have the good stuff. 

For the first time in my life, I know that I will no longer make the same mistakes. I will never again give myself to someone that doesn't appreciate me. I will no longer give myself to someone that doesn't want me to. I will no longer give myself to someone that denies me a return. I will no longer give myself to someone that rejects me, criticizes me, betrays me or forsakes me. 

I will no longer fall into all the sacrificial givings that I have fallen prey to. 

I can be confident of this. Because I have no doubts that I will never date again. How could I be with another knowing that I was created to be with him? How unfair would that be to another? 

Life is a bitch. I'm pissed at God as I've remained for some time. You can not miss that which you do not now exists. But now I long and crave and desire with a passion that seeks to consume me that which I now know exists but has been denied to me. 18 years he and I were around each other on and off, but never did our paths cross. We were sometimes less than a football field away from each other, but never met. Yet now, now the forces that be bring us together only to deny us that which we are destined to have. Yeah, life is a bitch. 

             

Another for you.....

I don't think that I'll be writing to you much longer. In the past, when a relationship ended and I wanted to get over it, I'd just opt for a rebound. You know me, I'm honest to a fault so I was always very clear that I was doing just that, using whoever I was with in the moment to get over whomever I had recently split from.

This time, I'm not doing that.

This time I am going to stay single for a while. I am going to find out what I really want, instead of what society says I should have. I'm going to focus on ME which is something I've never done before.

Yet, for now, I'm writing to you. I"ll never show you this blog. I'll never give you these letters. This is how I am going to let go. This is what I am choosing to do in place of a rebound. You are the reason I created Splintered Crimson, yet Splintered Crimson will continue on long after I cease to think about you.

You were supposed to be here today. You promised the children you would be. They were quite crushed. Most people weren't able to make it. There was one family that came. Then, the rest were all your family. Your two brothers, your niece (who is absolutely adorable and spending the night with me tonight), your grandpa and your son. They all knew you were no longer here. Yet, they came anyway.

Your brothers and niece went with us to one of my favorite hiking places. Then, we came back and our kids played together. Your son was here late. I'm sure he had hoped you'd be here.

You're missing out on so much. These are times you'll never get back.

Is that needle really worth it?