Needs vs Wants: Part One

Part One

For someone with a history of abuse, it's difficult to determine what you want. Typically this is something mentioned early on in therapy or group. We realize that we don't know what we want and we invest a lot of time into figuring this out. We have to discover what we enjoy on the path of determining who we are. Eventually we have to decide what we want in a relationship.

I saw a post yesterday that was about determining what a person NEEDED in a relationship. My first thought was, “I don't need a relationship. I just want one.” Something tugged at the edges of my conscious mind and I paused to examine further what I'd just thought. It is true, I don't need anyone to survive. I've been on my own since 16. I've raised three kids on my own, each with special needs or health issues. I've survived trauma that people only think happens in movies. I've lost many friends and family members to death, starting at an early age. I would walk through hell itself to face Satan and doubt I'd feel any fear. I don't “need” anyone.

However, when you look at the question again, that isn't even the point. Fine, I don't need anyone. I am happy and content single. I have a history of being happier single then when in committed relationships. Why? Maybe because I never considered what I needed once I was in a relationship! Ideally, in hindsight, I think perhaps a relationship may fare better if you've identified your needs prior to moving into a relationship.

My first thoughts on this journey were to think about individual things that I wanted or needed. Honesty, touch, etc. These are explained more in depth below. However, in writing these things out I made a discovery. What I “need” isn't a list of things I need the other person to do, or not do. What I need in a relationship is to feel safe and secure. I feel compelled to write other things such as happy, content, and so forth. Yet, the more I ponder it the more I realize that I really just need to feel safe and secure. The list of individual things I'll consider are simply the path or means to my feeling safe and secure.

This brings me to look at the one thing I've requested out of all relationships for many years: HONESTY. Not society's view of “honest enough”, but full fledge, I can trust you with anything, you'll never deceive me, no white lies, transparent honesty. Everything else was negotiable. It took me quite some time to realize this and then even more time to accept it. Now though I realize that this isn't a want, it is a deep rooted need. I need someone who is absolutely honest and transparent as that is what I need to trust someone. With that trust comes safety and security. It doesn't mean they won't ever do hurtful things, it just means that they will do so openly so that we can work through it. That is safety. That is security.

What else do I need? I do buy into the concept that we all have different “love languages” and that the way we communicate and receive love is important. I perceive love and affection through touch primarily. Holding hands, kissing, hugs, being held, a light touch here and there, arms wrapped around my waist while washing dishes; touch is very important to me. Some of the special needs my children have mean that touch is difficult for them. The usual mother/child elements of touch have been lacking and it was difficult with me to correlate that the lack of touch did not mean a lack of love. Can I have a full, loving relationship without touch? Absolutely! Does this mean touch is merely a want instead of a need? No. I don't think it does. If I fell in love with a man that couldn't manage touch, then I have no doubts we'd work around it and I'd discover other ways to have that need met, yet at his point in time touch is very much a need in a relationship. Touch that I do not have to initiate. So, the second thing I need would be: Touch

The next thing that comes to mind is well thought out surprises. This can come in any form really. A gift, a pre-panned date night, a impromptu outing. Something that is given to me simply to bring me happiness. This is another “love language” and although my mind wants to rebel at stating it as a need, I do believe it is. I feel that stating I need well thought out surprises makes me selfish, materialistic, or even greedy. Yet the whole point of this exercise is to identify the things that I need which are things that will make me feel safe and secure in a relationship. Well thought out gifts and surprises shows me that the other person is thinking of me, appreciates me, and wants me to be happy. This offers a sense of security as well.

That said, I've come to realize that much of the well thought out surprises/gifts are about perspective. For example, a guy I was dating once told me he was bringing me a surprise. He had never given me anything before and I was incredibly excited. My mind raced with ideas; flowers, a hard cover copy of my favorite book, a trip somewhere, a new scarf? All day I wondered what the surprise was. When he arrived he presented a black canvas bag. I opened it and discovered it was a steamer (the kind you can use to de-wrinkle fabric, clean with, etc). I was disappointed and I'm certain it showed. I grew up with a slew of adult women that always complained that their husbands only bought them gifts that would help them work at home. Blenders, crock pots, vacuum cleaners, washing machines, and so forth. Without realizing it, I'd adopted that same attitude so a steamer wasn't a gift, but something that was a chore. Yet, from his end it was a well thought out gift. One that he'd spent considerable time and effort in finding after I'd used his steamer on my clothing one morning, raved about how much I loved it, and said I wanted to find me one. He'd been on the lookout for a good one for several weeks and had gotten me one that was even better than his as mine had all kinds of attachments that went with it. It was a well though out gift that held consideration and love behind it, yet I missed that. In hindsight, that well thought out gift was exactly what I wanted and even needed, despite it being a gift that I'd use for chores. So, even though I am defining my needs, I need to remember to look at the other person's perspective when determining if my needs are being met. So, the third thing I need is well thought out surprises/gifts.

It is quite difficult to determine wants from needs. I'm certain this list may change as time goes by and I continue to consider it and ponder it.

The next thing that I feel is a need for me is conversation. I need to be able to talk about my life, hear about their life, share our perspectives and ideas. Conversation is a must. It aides me in understanding my partner while also allowing us to have someone to confide in. I can't imagine I'd ever feel safe and secure with someone I couldn't hold a conversation with. Without conversation, how would we ever be on the same page? Working towards the same goals?

….......to be continued

I Tried To Tell Him....

I offered him these pages, these writings.

He feels that these words are merely how I want to perceive myself instead of how I truly am.

If I wanted to be perceived the way I write here, wouldn't I also show this side of me in public? Wouldn't the people I interact with regularly feel the same about me as I state I am here?

His loss.

Either he is a complete fool, he never cared to begin with, or his own issues are to substantial for a happy relationship to be worth the effort it would take to bring down his walls.

I'll never know.


******

Some birds are not meant to be caged, that’s all. Their feathers are too bright, their songs too sweet and wild. So you let them go, or when you open the cage to feed them they somehow fly out past you. And the part of you that knows it was wrong to imprison them in the first place rejoices, but still, the place where you live is that much more drab and empty for their departure. —Stephen King

I’m guilty of giving people more chances than they deserve but when I’m done, I’m done. —Turcois Ominek

You will evolve past certain people. Let yourself. 
—Mandy Hale

 Some people never surrender to love for the fear of being hurt. But to not have loved, to not have felt the immense joy it brings, would have been a far worse kind of death.
—Goldie Hawn

If you only knew how to respect my heart, I wouldn’t have found a reason to let you go. —Jourdane Erasquin

Letting go is not getting rid of memories. Memories will stay, they always do. Letting go is making sure that the pain associated with the memories goes away.
—Arti Honrao

Even as I hold you, I am letting you go.
—Alice Walker

She let him go once. Every day demands that she release him over and over again.
—Julianna Baggott

Overactive Mind, Complete Honesty, Future Relationship

My mind keeps going back to the rebound situation. I have thought about it from every possible angle. I've been in conversation with my intellectual friend discussing the various aspects.

This is the first time that I've truly admitted that I use rebounds, and how complete my abandonment of them is after. This is the first time that I've ever decided that I would no longer do that. Having done so, I feel that I am not even capable of looking at someone with that concept. Typically, there requires only a few factors me me to take on a rebound relationship: Physical Attraction on both parts, their acceptance (even if superficially) of the terms I present of it being a rebound, and their understanding that it is not to be spoken of.

Yet, this new potential rebound is not equating that way at all. Instead, I notice all these little things about him..... the way he cuts his eyes sideways at me when I say something that catches his attention, the way he smiles and gives me quick light dainty kisses on my head as he walks by, the way he genuinely listens to EVERY SINGLE THING I SAY without complaint even when I'm babbling. His impressive knowledge, intellect and genius. I am certain I could speak to him of any topic and he could hold his own. He also has this unique way of being able to genuinely see things from other people's perspectives. It's a very logical outlook and though he may not be able to understand the why behind it, he can see it! There is also his inability to be dishonest.

Ahhh yes, I do believe that is, at the moment, the feature that draws me to him the most. I have always told those I have dated that as long as they were 100% honest with me and transparent, that we could make it through anything. That I would stand at the gates of hell and fight Satan himself if required, as long as I knew I could trust them to be honest with me. The concept of having something I had already deemed as impossible ..... I feel almost as if it is a fairy tale dream.

I'm also looking at the other possibilities concerning this honesty. Am I really willing to deal with any situation as long as honesty is a part of it? I've never really thought it through since I never thought it was possible. It requires deeper thought to be sure.

Of course, I have been strongly considering a full dom/sub relationship. A relationship where the Dom would be able to push me past the issues I have not been able to get past. Where he would take control so that I would not have to. A relationship where I would be the clay to be sculpted by someone that knew me as well as I knew myself and could help me get past the dysfunctions I have.

Somehow, I do not see that as being the case with this intellect.

However, could being with someone incapable of dishonesty help my trust issues? Could it bring me to a new level of healing simply because I could trust this person to never deceive me? Could this be a path to growth?

I've explained to him the fear that I have of using him as a rebound and dismissing him when done. However, I think that through discussing it, I've realized that I won't do that with him. I've also explained that I'm not over my ex, that I still have heart strings connected. He seems at peace with both scenarios. We're still discussing the ins and outs. What we both would like, what we don't like. Hard limits, soft limits. Where we would like it to go, where we don't want it to go. I don't think I've ever discussed having a relationship so much before starting one before.

We'll see how it goes. At present, I'm counting down the days till I see him again. By that time I should have fully debated all the ins and outs and decided whether to pursue this.

All in all, the positives listed below seem to be overweighing any potential negatives:

Inability to be dishonest
Physically affectionate
Adorable and Sexy, depending on the moment
Intelligent, Intelligent, Intelligent
Unique
Switch with similar fetishes
Unbelievable girth (as in OMG is that even possible?!?! and I don't know if it can even fit)
Likes to shoot big guns (oh come on, you KNOW that's sexy!)
Did I mention intelligent? ;)

Hmmmm..... looking forward to this journey regardless of what he and I decide. Because even if we do not pursue a relationship, we already have the foundations of an amazing friendship.

A few days ago

I sent Him a message (the one I'd dated on and off, the one that wants me back, the one that introduced me to my inner freak). I explained to him that I could not, in good conscious, keep the cell phone he had given me to use because I was trying to make things work with my recent ex. (To put it in perspective, the guy I was trying to make it work with said I should keep the phone and ride it out as long as possible and just not tell the other guy about "us").

He replied that I needed to keep it. That I needed it. That, if all else, to at least keep it 30 days until my financial situation improved.

A man that has told me he cares about me. A man that has said he wants me back. A man that has told me that my happiness is most important, even if it is found with someone else.

Yet, he wants me to keep the phone even when I'm pursuing the relationship I've been in the last 9 months.

Part of me wants to say..... "Damn, what a MAN!"

The other part of me realizes that for 9 months I"ve thought that often about the man I was dating.......and now it seems the majority of it was merely manipulation. That he'd go to no end to do what he knew would work to get his way, even if it was out of character for him.

I don't trust my own judgments or decisions.

AT ALL.

Not when it comes to relationships, men, or dating.