I Tried To Tell Him....

I offered him these pages, these writings.

He feels that these words are merely how I want to perceive myself instead of how I truly am.

If I wanted to be perceived the way I write here, wouldn't I also show this side of me in public? Wouldn't the people I interact with regularly feel the same about me as I state I am here?

His loss.

Either he is a complete fool, he never cared to begin with, or his own issues are to substantial for a happy relationship to be worth the effort it would take to bring down his walls.

I'll never know.


******

Some birds are not meant to be caged, that’s all. Their feathers are too bright, their songs too sweet and wild. So you let them go, or when you open the cage to feed them they somehow fly out past you. And the part of you that knows it was wrong to imprison them in the first place rejoices, but still, the place where you live is that much more drab and empty for their departure. —Stephen King

I’m guilty of giving people more chances than they deserve but when I’m done, I’m done. —Turcois Ominek

You will evolve past certain people. Let yourself. 
—Mandy Hale

 Some people never surrender to love for the fear of being hurt. But to not have loved, to not have felt the immense joy it brings, would have been a far worse kind of death.
—Goldie Hawn

If you only knew how to respect my heart, I wouldn’t have found a reason to let you go. —Jourdane Erasquin

Letting go is not getting rid of memories. Memories will stay, they always do. Letting go is making sure that the pain associated with the memories goes away.
—Arti Honrao

Even as I hold you, I am letting you go.
—Alice Walker

She let him go once. Every day demands that she release him over and over again.
—Julianna Baggott

If only....

If only I could hate him.

If only I could shut down all emotions.

If only I could be as emotionless as he appears.

Then it would be easier.

For the short term.

For being all those things would also mean that I would not be true to myself.

I am a person with a depth of emotion. The depth of pain I feel now enables me to also feel the depths of joy and love that I am capable of feeling.

It's worth it.

Even if it doesn't feel like it today.

Why I Trust... NO ONE

Because I was the 8 year old little girl that wrapped the blankets all around me like a mummy, even tucking them under my feet and laid absolutely, perfectly still hoping if I wasn't heard I would be forgotten.

Because when those that loved me found out, they covered it up and did nothing about it.

Because even now they won't tell me who.

Because throughout all my years growing up I was taught that I never did anything right, I was never good enough, I should have been born a boy, and that nothing I did would ever be enough.

Because now, all these years later, they still feel the same way about me.

Because even after being molested as a child, I didn't get to willingly have sex the first time. My virginity was snatched away by a man named Stan, who only laughed at me when I sat crying and cleaning up the blood after.

Because he beat me AFTER I gave birth to his child, but never in any of the years we were together before.

Because he beat and raped me day after day after day while continously screaming that he loved me more than anyone else would.

Because he taught me that I never did anything right, I was never good enough, no one would ever love me apart from him, and that nothing I did would ever be enough.

Because after leaving him, I couldn't look into myself and see anything worthy or beautiful.

Because years later, when I had a third child with another man, he began to attack me physically. Never before our child, only after.

Because he still torments and threatens me, despite my having removed myself from his life a decade ago.

Because when I finally found someone I thought loved me, I married him, only to discover the night of my wedding that he truly did not love me but only wanted me to help him financially.

Because knowing that, I stayed hoping that he would learn to love me, and being devastated when he walked out after he got all that he wanted financially.

Because I waited all these years to tell someone all these things.

Because I waited all these years to tell someone many of my fears, my insecurities, my heartache, my pain.

Because I waited all these years to let someone in past all the barricades and the walls.

Because waited all these years for someone that understood. Someone that didn't think bad of me for those things.

Because I waited all these years for someone that didn't think less of me.

Because waited all these years for someone that  wanted to know all of it and think that I was good enough.

Because I  waited all these years for someone that would not betray me.

Because I waited all these years for someone that would not lie to me.

Because I waited all these years for someone that would not leave me.

Sometimes

Sometimes, your faith in a person can break you beyond anything you could ever imagine.

Sometimes, your faith in a person is so completely misplaced that when you are standing in the midst of the chaos you can't figure out how you ever believed it.

Sometimes, you find that not only was the faith you had in them misplaced, but others that are in their lives was misplaced as well.

Sometimes, you look at a person you've respected for most of your life, even if you rarely saw them, and listen to them tell you the lies they believe about you and feel pain because you can't understand how they could believe those lies when the person telling them has proven themselves to be dishonest repeatedly.

Sometimes you don't understand how someone could intentionally do something that hurts children, even when you beg them not to.

Sometimes, you think that you will NEVER have faith or trust in another human being.

Sometimes, that day is today.