H O N E S T Y

“You're too honest”
“It wasn't a lie, I just left out some stuff”
“I didn't want to tell her because I was scared it would hurt her feelings”
“No one actually wants to hear the truth all the time”
“I'm not a deceitful person, I'm just private so sometimes don't say things.
exactly like they are”
“It was just a white lie, everyone tells those”

I could go on and on with these. I have heard them my entire life and my rigid views on honesty have always been considered outside of the norm. I've felt so foreign in my own beliefs about honesty that I've often wondered if this is some flaw that I have, an area of growth I've somehow skipped and others made it through.

I understand that the vast majority of people will state they are an honest person. Yet, the way people define honest varies such a wide range.

A range.... I actually had someone define deceit that way recently. They said that deceit ranges on a scale from “neutral” to “evil”. They perceived themselves as just a bit past the neutral mark, and therefore nowhere near the “evil” end of the scale. I asked if someone that only deceives occasionally was on the neutral end of the scale and they replied that they were. I then questioned what would be on the evil end? Would it be someone that lied daily? If someone lying occasionally is what puts you on the neutral side of the spectrum, then lying often would put on on the evil side? At this point they said they didn't want to discuss it.

I am a stout believer in honesty. Maybe it is a flaw and stems from my far distant past of abuse and trauma as I've been told several times. However, when it comes to honesty I see black and white. No gray. No white lies. No deception through omission. No partial truths.

When I first meet someone, I approach them with full trust. I give them the benefit of the doubt and do not second guess what they say. Many have told me that my flaw is in offering unconditional trust rather than making people earn trust. However, I feel that if it is something that has to be earned, then it is not unconditional. I offer trust freely. However, once that trust is betrayed, I struggle to believe anything the person says again. I believe in unconditional forgiveness as well as that people can change. I will therefore discuss how I feel about honesty, how deception leads me to second guess all that a person says, and how honesty in interactions with me would benefit us both. Then, I give a second chance several more times. Yet, after a few times of being shown deception or dishonesty in any form, I am done. I will still associate with this person, however they've now been placed in the “associate” box rather than the “friend”, “best friend”, “lover”, “boyfriend”, “partner” or any other box.

Is this extreme? Possibly. Yet, everything that I offer is 100%. If I love you, it is with all that I have. If I fear something, enjoy something or am angered by something it is with all that I am. I love fiercely, laugh uncontrollably, and give freely. Full throttle and with nothing held back. What you see is what you get.

I don't expect someone to tell me everything. Yet, I do expect them to simply say that they don't want to discuss something or answer something rather than them toss me a lie. I respect a person's privacy and sense of self so am perfectly fine with this.

Maybe this is some flaw within me, a weakness, a vulnerability. Yet, this is something I will continue to strive for and seek out. So, if you're like me and crave someone that will always strive for complete and total transparent honesty, shoot me a message! I'd love to chat!

I Reside In Hell

I married him. After all, I stayed and I married him.

After, on our honeymoon, the suspicions and doubts I'd had but were never fully certain of were confirmed.

Months have passed and each day it seems that I discover more deceit. More untruths.

I married an absolute stranger.

I know only one thing, that I know nothing about him.

Each day is filled with deceit, dishonesty and lies. Each day is filled with his pretending to be something he isn't. Each day is filled with him accusing me of being something that I am not, while admitting to more lies. Each day is a contradiction of the day before.

He says that he loves me even as he lies to me about who he is, what he is, where he is and even who he is with. He says that he loves me even as he says that he would tell any lie to get what he wants. He says that he loves me even as he says that he doesn't care about my feelings. He says that he loves me even as he tells me that I am guilty of the very things he does.

He says that he knows I am as dishonest as him. He says that I must also have cheated. He calls me a hypocrite and a liar. He tells me that I do nothing but "whine" and "complain" about his dishonesty and that I have no right to do so.

He hates every fiber of me, and yet knows nothing about who I am.

Three years I have been in this warped relationship where he uses me at his whim and cares nothing for the damage or havoc he wrecks.

I fear admitting defeat.
     I fear admitting that I was completely and totally wrong.
          I fear admitting that I could have been so totally and completely conned and deceived.
                I fear what all of that will mean.

I know not who I am.
I know only what I am not.
And I am NOT any of the things he accuses me of.