First Dates, Facades, Forever

First Dates SUCK.

Don't get me wrong, occasionally you have that amazing first date that blows you away. Yet, more often than not, you sit through the date wondering why you are even dating at all. Your empathy allows you to clock the lies as soon as they pass the lips as well as sense the insincerity. You would much rather the male simply speak his mind and say, "I really just want a one night stand". All the fronts, facades, and games are simply ignorant and annoying.

I've been told that I should lower my standards. I've been told that "everyone lies" and that everyone pretends to be someone they aren't. I've been told that I need to accept that 99% of the men I meet first think that they want to fuck me and that's just how men are. I've been told that I should wear more makeup and not go barefoot so much. I've been told that I shouldn't tell them about my "geek" hobbies/interest and that I sure as hell shouldn't mention the volunteer work I've done over the last decade or so. I've been told not to mention my colorful past and not to tell anyone about the career I dream of. I've been told to "dumb it down" when I speak, and to use less "big words". I've been told that I don't need to let the man know that I can do, and even enjoy, "guy stuff".

In all reality, to each person that has told me that I needed to do, or not do, something so that I could end up in a long term relationship with a man......................

FUCK YOU

I would rather live my entire life single than pretend to be something I'm not. In all reality, I don't mind being single. I could go the rest of my life single and be content.

Sure, I sometimes think about how nice it would be to have someone as a constant in my life. Yet, I want to share my joys, my thoughts, my happiness, my exuberance for life and my passion with them. If I have to pretend to be different than I am, how would I do that?

If I chose to have someone in my life, he will be REAL. He will have accepted himself fully, with all his differences that society labels as dysfunction. He will know that he is perfect just the way he is, and that although self growth is of prime importance, it doesn't make where he is at present "not enough". He will accept that he is beautiful and embrace every aspect of himself... his likes, dislikes, dreams, fantasies, fears, hang ups, "glitches", hobbies, goals, etc.

He won't care what others think, but will instead stand up for what he believes in. He will educate and advocate. He will think for himself and though he will listen to others opinions and research others belief systems, he will adopt only what he has pondered and considered compatible with his life.

There are many things we will not agree on, for his thoughts will be as free of society's pressures as my own. He will have refused entrance into all cliques and accepted that he is an unique individual that does not fit into any mold. When others are asked what he is like, each one will give a contrasting account of his personality though each will remark on his absolute honesty, integrity, and honor.

I am not perfect. I carry many scars and have weathered many storms that have aged me beyond my years. I am jaded when it comes to "I love yous". I am wary of all and take much time before I can accept someone into my life fully. Only a few know my entire story and they are the ones that I would willingly sacrifice any and all for.

Someone once told me that I was seeking perfection and that I would never find it.

Ironically enough, should I partner with someone, he will be deemed as the farthest from perfection as a man can be. Others will label him and the same ones that old me my expectations are too high will argue that he doesn't even meet a standard minimum. Yet, he will be one of the few that know my entire story and together we will conquer the world.

We will spread our concept of unconditional acceptance of all and teach others that true love starts with acceptance of oneself.

Love.

That really is the beginning and the end of all things

Easier Today

I heard a song. It reminded me of you. It's called Stronger (What Doesn't Kill You). It's by Kelly Clarkson. I didn't even like her when I first heard her music. Funny how time changes things. 

I saw a post on FB. It said, "You discover your real emotional strength when someone you love turns their back on you". I thought of you. Yet, I disagree with this statement. When you walked out on me and turned your back on me, I had no strength left. I was shattered. I couldn't put the pieces back together, nor could I move past the pain. I didn't discover my "real emotional strength". I discovered I had no strength at all. I knew I couldn't do it. I cried out to God. I pleaded with Him. I spent night after night up late, crying in my bathroom so our children would't hear. Sleepless nights, a pain in the center of my core, and seeing my dreams broken and lying around me. That's where I was. 

God heard my cries. He was moved and showed compassion to me. Had I listened to Him all along, I might not know this pain. Yet, despite my being in pain due to my own disobedience, He still reached out to comfort Me. He has provided for our family in spite of the mess you left us in. He has shown Himself to us at every turn. He has shown that nothing is greater then He is. 

He's teaching me that His plans are greater then my dreams. I'm not sure what His plans are. Letting go of my dreams is very very difficult. It leaves a gaping hole, a hole that you used to fill. Yet, I know that "in Christ all things are possible". I keep the candle holder you gave me that says that very thing on the sink in my bathroom, so that I'll see it throughout the day. 

I also keep the plaque you gave me there. The one that said you knew that God had sent me to you. It reminds me that I had no control over your choices and decisions. That you loved me at one point in time. That you aren't running from myself and the children, but rather from all the demons you have yet to face from your own past. 

Each day gets a little bit easier. There isn't a day that I don't think about you, but I do  have days now without tears. 

Someone asked why I didn't hate you. It's simply because I know where you are. I remember running from emotions, memories, and pain I didn't want to feel. I remember drowning them in alcohol and drugs. I remember those I hurt. Becoming a mother was enough to keep me from ever walking that path again. And though I would have hoped that becoming a husband and father would have been enough to keep you from that path, I can only pray now that you reclaim the life God has for you. 

Today I took the kids and a friend to the ice cream shop. The one you and I would go to on our date nights. It was actually nice. Symbolic even. The first place I've gone to that you and I had visited on a date. 

Things are getting a little bit easier each and every day. And to use Steven Curtis Chapman's words, though "the valleys are deeper and the mountains are steeper than I ever would've dreamed",  I know that "when we can't take another step, the Father will pick us up and carry us in His arms". 

I pray one day you know the same.