H O N E S T Y

“You're too honest”
“It wasn't a lie, I just left out some stuff”
“I didn't want to tell her because I was scared it would hurt her feelings”
“No one actually wants to hear the truth all the time”
“I'm not a deceitful person, I'm just private so sometimes don't say things.
exactly like they are”
“It was just a white lie, everyone tells those”

I could go on and on with these. I have heard them my entire life and my rigid views on honesty have always been considered outside of the norm. I've felt so foreign in my own beliefs about honesty that I've often wondered if this is some flaw that I have, an area of growth I've somehow skipped and others made it through.

I understand that the vast majority of people will state they are an honest person. Yet, the way people define honest varies such a wide range.

A range.... I actually had someone define deceit that way recently. They said that deceit ranges on a scale from “neutral” to “evil”. They perceived themselves as just a bit past the neutral mark, and therefore nowhere near the “evil” end of the scale. I asked if someone that only deceives occasionally was on the neutral end of the scale and they replied that they were. I then questioned what would be on the evil end? Would it be someone that lied daily? If someone lying occasionally is what puts you on the neutral side of the spectrum, then lying often would put on on the evil side? At this point they said they didn't want to discuss it.

I am a stout believer in honesty. Maybe it is a flaw and stems from my far distant past of abuse and trauma as I've been told several times. However, when it comes to honesty I see black and white. No gray. No white lies. No deception through omission. No partial truths.

When I first meet someone, I approach them with full trust. I give them the benefit of the doubt and do not second guess what they say. Many have told me that my flaw is in offering unconditional trust rather than making people earn trust. However, I feel that if it is something that has to be earned, then it is not unconditional. I offer trust freely. However, once that trust is betrayed, I struggle to believe anything the person says again. I believe in unconditional forgiveness as well as that people can change. I will therefore discuss how I feel about honesty, how deception leads me to second guess all that a person says, and how honesty in interactions with me would benefit us both. Then, I give a second chance several more times. Yet, after a few times of being shown deception or dishonesty in any form, I am done. I will still associate with this person, however they've now been placed in the “associate” box rather than the “friend”, “best friend”, “lover”, “boyfriend”, “partner” or any other box.

Is this extreme? Possibly. Yet, everything that I offer is 100%. If I love you, it is with all that I have. If I fear something, enjoy something or am angered by something it is with all that I am. I love fiercely, laugh uncontrollably, and give freely. Full throttle and with nothing held back. What you see is what you get.

I don't expect someone to tell me everything. Yet, I do expect them to simply say that they don't want to discuss something or answer something rather than them toss me a lie. I respect a person's privacy and sense of self so am perfectly fine with this.

Maybe this is some flaw within me, a weakness, a vulnerability. Yet, this is something I will continue to strive for and seek out. So, if you're like me and crave someone that will always strive for complete and total transparent honesty, shoot me a message! I'd love to chat!

First Dates, Facades, Forever

First Dates SUCK.

Don't get me wrong, occasionally you have that amazing first date that blows you away. Yet, more often than not, you sit through the date wondering why you are even dating at all. Your empathy allows you to clock the lies as soon as they pass the lips as well as sense the insincerity. You would much rather the male simply speak his mind and say, "I really just want a one night stand". All the fronts, facades, and games are simply ignorant and annoying.

I've been told that I should lower my standards. I've been told that "everyone lies" and that everyone pretends to be someone they aren't. I've been told that I need to accept that 99% of the men I meet first think that they want to fuck me and that's just how men are. I've been told that I should wear more makeup and not go barefoot so much. I've been told that I shouldn't tell them about my "geek" hobbies/interest and that I sure as hell shouldn't mention the volunteer work I've done over the last decade or so. I've been told not to mention my colorful past and not to tell anyone about the career I dream of. I've been told to "dumb it down" when I speak, and to use less "big words". I've been told that I don't need to let the man know that I can do, and even enjoy, "guy stuff".

In all reality, to each person that has told me that I needed to do, or not do, something so that I could end up in a long term relationship with a man......................

FUCK YOU

I would rather live my entire life single than pretend to be something I'm not. In all reality, I don't mind being single. I could go the rest of my life single and be content.

Sure, I sometimes think about how nice it would be to have someone as a constant in my life. Yet, I want to share my joys, my thoughts, my happiness, my exuberance for life and my passion with them. If I have to pretend to be different than I am, how would I do that?

If I chose to have someone in my life, he will be REAL. He will have accepted himself fully, with all his differences that society labels as dysfunction. He will know that he is perfect just the way he is, and that although self growth is of prime importance, it doesn't make where he is at present "not enough". He will accept that he is beautiful and embrace every aspect of himself... his likes, dislikes, dreams, fantasies, fears, hang ups, "glitches", hobbies, goals, etc.

He won't care what others think, but will instead stand up for what he believes in. He will educate and advocate. He will think for himself and though he will listen to others opinions and research others belief systems, he will adopt only what he has pondered and considered compatible with his life.

There are many things we will not agree on, for his thoughts will be as free of society's pressures as my own. He will have refused entrance into all cliques and accepted that he is an unique individual that does not fit into any mold. When others are asked what he is like, each one will give a contrasting account of his personality though each will remark on his absolute honesty, integrity, and honor.

I am not perfect. I carry many scars and have weathered many storms that have aged me beyond my years. I am jaded when it comes to "I love yous". I am wary of all and take much time before I can accept someone into my life fully. Only a few know my entire story and they are the ones that I would willingly sacrifice any and all for.

Someone once told me that I was seeking perfection and that I would never find it.

Ironically enough, should I partner with someone, he will be deemed as the farthest from perfection as a man can be. Others will label him and the same ones that old me my expectations are too high will argue that he doesn't even meet a standard minimum. Yet, he will be one of the few that know my entire story and together we will conquer the world.

We will spread our concept of unconditional acceptance of all and teach others that true love starts with acceptance of oneself.

Love.

That really is the beginning and the end of all things

Overactive Mind, Complete Honesty, Future Relationship

My mind keeps going back to the rebound situation. I have thought about it from every possible angle. I've been in conversation with my intellectual friend discussing the various aspects.

This is the first time that I've truly admitted that I use rebounds, and how complete my abandonment of them is after. This is the first time that I've ever decided that I would no longer do that. Having done so, I feel that I am not even capable of looking at someone with that concept. Typically, there requires only a few factors me me to take on a rebound relationship: Physical Attraction on both parts, their acceptance (even if superficially) of the terms I present of it being a rebound, and their understanding that it is not to be spoken of.

Yet, this new potential rebound is not equating that way at all. Instead, I notice all these little things about him..... the way he cuts his eyes sideways at me when I say something that catches his attention, the way he smiles and gives me quick light dainty kisses on my head as he walks by, the way he genuinely listens to EVERY SINGLE THING I SAY without complaint even when I'm babbling. His impressive knowledge, intellect and genius. I am certain I could speak to him of any topic and he could hold his own. He also has this unique way of being able to genuinely see things from other people's perspectives. It's a very logical outlook and though he may not be able to understand the why behind it, he can see it! There is also his inability to be dishonest.

Ahhh yes, I do believe that is, at the moment, the feature that draws me to him the most. I have always told those I have dated that as long as they were 100% honest with me and transparent, that we could make it through anything. That I would stand at the gates of hell and fight Satan himself if required, as long as I knew I could trust them to be honest with me. The concept of having something I had already deemed as impossible ..... I feel almost as if it is a fairy tale dream.

I'm also looking at the other possibilities concerning this honesty. Am I really willing to deal with any situation as long as honesty is a part of it? I've never really thought it through since I never thought it was possible. It requires deeper thought to be sure.

Of course, I have been strongly considering a full dom/sub relationship. A relationship where the Dom would be able to push me past the issues I have not been able to get past. Where he would take control so that I would not have to. A relationship where I would be the clay to be sculpted by someone that knew me as well as I knew myself and could help me get past the dysfunctions I have.

Somehow, I do not see that as being the case with this intellect.

However, could being with someone incapable of dishonesty help my trust issues? Could it bring me to a new level of healing simply because I could trust this person to never deceive me? Could this be a path to growth?

I've explained to him the fear that I have of using him as a rebound and dismissing him when done. However, I think that through discussing it, I've realized that I won't do that with him. I've also explained that I'm not over my ex, that I still have heart strings connected. He seems at peace with both scenarios. We're still discussing the ins and outs. What we both would like, what we don't like. Hard limits, soft limits. Where we would like it to go, where we don't want it to go. I don't think I've ever discussed having a relationship so much before starting one before.

We'll see how it goes. At present, I'm counting down the days till I see him again. By that time I should have fully debated all the ins and outs and decided whether to pursue this.

All in all, the positives listed below seem to be overweighing any potential negatives:

Inability to be dishonest
Physically affectionate
Adorable and Sexy, depending on the moment
Intelligent, Intelligent, Intelligent
Unique
Switch with similar fetishes
Unbelievable girth (as in OMG is that even possible?!?! and I don't know if it can even fit)
Likes to shoot big guns (oh come on, you KNOW that's sexy!)
Did I mention intelligent? ;)

Hmmmm..... looking forward to this journey regardless of what he and I decide. Because even if we do not pursue a relationship, we already have the foundations of an amazing friendship.