Where does time go......

My last post was a month after I met him. I've been with him ever since. Until yesterday.

He and I both felt a connection that neither of us had ever felt before. It was as if we had an energy that bound us, flowed through us, and made each of us stronger. The depth of emotion we felt (well, I know I felt) was intense and unlike anything I've ever known. I was certain that the connection we felt was proof that we were meant to be together. I honestly felt, and even now feel, that we were created to be together. We fit, perfectly.

And somehow I fell into the same old habits. The same things I had promised myself I would never do again. I justified the sacrifices for what I thought we had.

I gave
     and
           gave
                and gave. When his dishonesty was first discovered, I listened to his reason and accepted it as truth. With each subsequent episode of deception, I listened to his reasons and clung to his promises that he would never do it again.

I gave
     and
           gave
                and gave. I put forth all the effort for us to see one another.

I gave
     and
           gave
                and gave. I worked diligently to build a friendship with him.

I gave
     and
           gave
                and gave. I gave up my friends to attempt to soothe his jealousy, insecurity, and false accusations.

I gave
     and
           gave
                and gave. I begged and pleaded for his time, attention and energy.

I gave
     and
           gave
                and gave. I believed his reasons, even when I knew they were not true.

I gave
     and
           gave
                and gave. I settled for our few dates being only restaurants, and even then only his favorites.

I gave
     and
           gave
                and gave. I gave up plans, goals and vacations waiting for him to follow through with his promises to do those things with me.

I gave
     and
           gave
                and gave. Throughout the entire time that one of his exes stalked, harassed and tormented me, as he stood by refusing to stop it, telling me I was a drama queen for allowing such harassment to bother me.

I gave
     and
           gave
                and gave. I spent three more months giving him opportunity to invest in our relationship and friendship, AFTER he told me that he didn't want to do anything with me outside of what we were already doing.

I gave
     and
           gave
                and gave. Even after his assurance that he didn't want me for anything then we had presently made me feel like a used piece of ass.

I gave
     and
           gave
                and gave. Past the point that I believed I had given my all.

I gave
     and
           gave
                and gave. I kept believing in him, in us, in the plans we had made.
I gave
     and
           gave
                and gave. After he told me that he was going to give to his ex, that which he had denied me.

I gave
     and
           gave
                and gave. After he told me that ex had inserted herself into our relationship, and he did nothing to prevent it.

I gave
     and
           gave
                and gave. Him my body, my love, my soul, my devotion, my loyalty, my sincerity, my honesty, my openness, my sacrifice.

He took
     and
          took
               and took. Even after I told him that I needed him to put forth some effort.

He took
     and
          took
               and took. Even after I told him that I needed him to meet me in the middle.

He took
     and
          took
               and took. Even after I pleaded with him to allow us to develop a friendship.

He took
     and
          took
               and took. Even after I told him that I needed his honesty.

He took
     and
          took
               and took. Even after I sacrificed all I had to give.

He took
     and
          took
               and took. Even after I told him that I felt as if I were being treated like a piece of ass.

He took
     and
          took
               and took. After I told him I was empty.

He took
     and
          took
               and took. After I told him that if things stayed the same it would destroy me, shatter me, and break me.

He took
     and
          took
               and took. Even when I begged and pleaded for some sign that he wanted our relationship and friendship to succeed.

He took
     and
          took
               and took. Even when I told him that I just needed him to make some teeny tiny effort for me to stay.

I have sat today and read through each blog post that I've made as Splintered Crimson. I have wondered how I made the same mistakes I was certain I would never make. Why would I justify those things simply because of a connection and absolute conviction that we were created to be together.

I am broken. I am shattered. I am splintered.

In the words of Soundgarden, "I've given everything I need, I'd give you everything I own, I'd give in if it could at least be ours alone, I've given everything I could."  

I can stand here today, separate and apart from him and know that I gave him much more than my all. I handed him my entire being. I gave him the parts I'd never given anyone.

Again, in the words of Soundgarden, "Nothing seems to kill me, no matter how hard I try. Nothing is closing my eyes. Nothing can bet me down for your pain or delight. And nothing seems to break me, no matter how hard I fall nothing can break me at all. Not one for giving up, though invincible I know.   

I still know that he and I were created to be together. We were designed as one, and we fit together. Perfectly. 

I still believe but have no hope. 

I now doubt. Was his words the truth or were his actions? Does he love me and want to spend his life with me or does he want to give me nothing except on his terms, and the way he likes, while dismissing my needs? Was I merely company, conversation and sex and nothing more or did he long for us to be more but let his own issues interfere? 

I no longer can hope. I can no longer be certain. 

The only thing that I know is that he and I were created to be together. 

     I thought that meant we would be. 

          I thought that meant I could give everything I had to him & he'd cherish, appreciate, protect it. 

     I thought that meant that the investments would be worth the gain. 

I thought that meant we'd spend our lives together. 

We all have someone out there made for us. Someone we are supposed to spend our lives with. Someone that will be the yin to our yang and balance us. Someone that will be our opposite to everyone else's eyes due to the balance we must give one another, but when it comes to who we are inside the two will be the same. 

Yet, that doesn't mean that it will work. Everything in life is a choice. We have to choose to deal with our baggage. We have to choose to deal with our past. We have to chose to battle our demons and win. We have to chose to do the hard stuff so that we can have the good stuff. 

For the first time in my life, I know that I will no longer make the same mistakes. I will never again give myself to someone that doesn't appreciate me. I will no longer give myself to someone that doesn't want me to. I will no longer give myself to someone that denies me a return. I will no longer give myself to someone that rejects me, criticizes me, betrays me or forsakes me. 

I will no longer fall into all the sacrificial givings that I have fallen prey to. 

I can be confident of this. Because I have no doubts that I will never date again. How could I be with another knowing that I was created to be with him? How unfair would that be to another? 

Life is a bitch. I'm pissed at God as I've remained for some time. You can not miss that which you do not now exists. But now I long and crave and desire with a passion that seeks to consume me that which I now know exists but has been denied to me. 18 years he and I were around each other on and off, but never did our paths cross. We were sometimes less than a football field away from each other, but never met. Yet now, now the forces that be bring us together only to deny us that which we are destined to have. Yeah, life is a bitch. 

             

Chronic Illness & Dating

How exactly does dating with long term, chronic, invisible illnesses work? I figured that upon initially meeting someone, there would be no point in telling them about my health condition. We might not make it past 3 dates or ever see each other again, so what would it matter?

However, when does a person divulge information like that? How do you approach it? When does it become an issue that would be important to the other person?

I do unusually well during the summer months. This past winter, due to how warm the months were, has been my best winter yet. I didn't even have to dust off the wheelchair! I figure I could realistically date someone and not have to bring up my health issues until fall of this year.

Doesn't sound like me at all, does it? Me...who is always the one that speaks up for honesty and full disclosure. The one who is the first to say that by intentionally withholding information, a person is being dishonest. I'm the one who has no problem calling out others due to their giving half answers.

Yet, I fell prey to the very thing I abhor. I became dishonest by way of withholding information and only giving half answers. When asked why I didn't put the kids in public school and get a full time job, I spoke of my child's health issues and special needs as being the reason. That was honest and true, but I left out the fact that even if I did put them in public school, that it was highly unlikely my health would allow me to hold a full time job. I left out the part that to be protected by FMLA for time missed from work, I am required by law to reveal the health issues that I have. That by revealing these issues, I am left with no one willing to hire me. I left out the part that I have a fabulous full time job waiting on me, but that my health doesn't allow me to perform that job anymore. When asked why I didn't charge for all of the side jobs I do, I explained that I barter a lot. I didn't explain that most of what I had been seen doing recently was being done free because these were people who carried me through the winter. Even when asked about the dissolution of my marriage, I left out the strain that my having health issues had caused in our marriage (not excusing his actions by any means as we all know illegal drug use is not the way to deal with stress.....just making the point that chronic illness is difficult on a marriage).

There were so many other instances like this. Conversations we held that I didn't really say what I truly felt because that would lead to my having to explain why I felt that way. OR, I would say what I felt and thought, but it didn't make sense to the other person because they were never given the opportunity to see things from my perspective. Times where I was told that they thought I was holding back and not telling them something. Then, the times I would express that I did not understand what the other was trying to say, but because they did not understand my unique health issues and how it effects me mentally, they were not equipped to explain it to me in a way I would understand. We both walked away frustrated.

I feel....... hypocritical. How can I demand upfront honesty from each person I meet, yet give less in return?

At the same time, I long for what others have. I HATE the way people treat me different once they know. The look of pity that comes into their eyes. The way they start to offer to do everything for me, even when they've seen me do those things before. The way they no longer perceive me as a strong individual, but as a weak one instead. I HATE that. I want to be able to go out, have a good time, and there not be the thread of my illnesses running through each thing we do.

The people that I keep in my life on a close and personal basis, they are the ones who NEVER treat me different. They are the ones who see me the same after they found out, as they did before. They are the ones that have never once felt sorry for me. They are the same ones who will sit with me as I cry about how lonely life can be with chronic illnesses and that come together to help me make it through the cold winter months. Yet, despite that.....they never look at me any different. I have friends who, in the depths of winter, have had to help me dress and eat. They've had to brush my hair when I could not lift my arms. They've had to put my shoes on for me. They've had to take my children to appointments I couldn't drive them to. Yet, never once did they look at me with pity or as any less then the strong and independent woman that I am. These are my truest friends. These are the ones that will be by my side throughout life. (I love you Tabitha, Franny, Brandy, James and my family)

I would like to go on dates and men see me for who I really am. If I tell them in the very beginning, then they see my illness instead of me. If I wait till later, I have placed myself into a situation where I am no longer an honest person.

Where is the compromise? Is there even a compromise to be made? Even once you determine the “when” it should be divulged.....there is still the question of “how”. Maybe I should print out cards that have my name, number and a disclaimer that reads, “Dating is only allowed during warmer months” or “I go to Narnia in the winters” or maybe “Due to FibroFog and ChemoFog, I am due to completely lose my mind at any given time”. Or maybe I should just make a list of all the possible offensive things that I might do as a direct result of my health issues.

~ May ask you to repeat what you've just said....numerous times.

~ May stare at you with a blank look on my face and not understand anything you've said.

~ May substitute random words in a sentence that make no sense at all.

~ May have no recollection or memory of conversations we have had.

~ May have no recollection or memory of dates we've been on.

~ May get frustrated when I am trying my best to understand what you are saying, but it won't make sense to me.

~ May have difficulty following through on multi-step directions.

~ May lose everything, even when it is in the same spot I always put it

~ May become emotional when I have things to accomplish and am unable to do them.

~ May appear to neglect important things (such as cleaning house). In reality I am basing my day on how many spoons I have left (read The Spoon Theory available online)

~ May lose ability to spell, sometimes even the most basic of words.

I could go on and on. There are so many things that change when I have a flare coming on. The peak of the flare can be mild to bad. This one, I spent yesterday and the day before in bed. Today I've made it to the chair in my bedroom and am able to type. YAY! I actually think I might be able to shower today, though the legs are gonna have to stay hairy! ;-)

Overall, I have the best life anyone could ask for. I have incredible children and an amazing daugther that steps up to bat when I'm down and out. She has cared for her brothers, cleaned the house, cooked meals, and done all that I needed done the last few days. She has not whined once, nor complained. She has checked on me, brought me meds and applied pain patches. I have friends that have checked on me throughout the day via text. I have a friend that came at the very last minute to take me to the doc. She drove an amazingly long distance to get me there and did so at the very last minute (we had an hour to be there from the time I asked her to take me). I know that had my flare persisted through the week, that friends would offer to come cook or take the kids where they needed to go.

I have the best friends, a lovely home, and family (not necessarily blood) that would take a bullet for me if need be. I have benefited so much from these illnesses. The two years I spent in bed taught me a lot about what really matters in life. I learned to quit trying to live up to others' expectations of me. I learned that it really doesn't matter what others think. I learned that I didn't need the praise and commendation for a job well done I had craved and depended on before I got sick. I learned that there is such a thing as unconditional love and that my children show it to me even when I'm at my worse. I learned that doctors really don't know best. I learned that people who have no idea what you are going through will ALWAYS have an opinion about it, and it's best to just ignore it and walk on. I have learned that there is no room for drama in my life, and the easiest way to deal with it is to block it from your life at the first sign of it. I have learned that there are some people who can see past the illness and see who you really are, and those are the people you keep around. I've learned that there is great joy in giving and doing for others, and that is what life is about. I've learned that money doesn't matter, that insurance companies couldn't care less about what you need, and that the more material possessions you own....the more you have to clean!

Life is a learning adventure. I guess this is just part of it I have yet to learn about. As always, I'd love to hear feedback. I know that many of you who read this blog (so sorry I haven't posted much lately) have chronic illness or love someone that does. I'd love to hear your thoughts.

Remember, each morning when you wake, no matter how severe your pain, find that one beautiful thing. No matter how small or how great, find ONE beautiful thing. Cling to that as your happy thought. Mine today are the memories of the wind blowing through the leaves yesterday. Each time I woke, that is the first thing I saw from my windows. It'll be my happy thought today! ;-)