He and I both felt a connection that neither of us had ever felt before. It was as if we had an energy that bound us, flowed through us, and made each of us stronger. The depth of emotion we felt (well, I know I felt) was intense and unlike anything I've ever known. I was certain that the connection we felt was proof that we were meant to be together. I honestly felt, and even now feel, that we were created to be together. We fit, perfectly.
And somehow I fell into the same old habits. The same things I had promised myself I would never do again. I justified the sacrifices for what I thought we had.
I gave
and
gave
and gave. When his dishonesty was first discovered, I listened to his reason and accepted it as truth. With each subsequent episode of deception, I listened to his reasons and clung to his promises that he would never do it again.
I gave
and
gave
and gave. I put forth all the effort for us to see one another.
I gave
and
gave
and gave. I worked diligently to build a friendship with him.
I gave
and
gave
and gave. I gave up my friends to attempt to soothe his jealousy, insecurity, and false accusations.
I gave
and
gave
and gave. I begged and pleaded for his time, attention and energy.
I gave
and
gave
and gave. I believed his reasons, even when I knew they were not true.
I gave
and
gave
and gave. I settled for our few dates being only restaurants, and even then only his favorites.
I gave
and
gave
and gave. I gave up plans, goals and vacations waiting for him to follow through with his promises to do those things with me.
I gave
and
gave
and gave. Throughout the entire time that one of his exes stalked, harassed and tormented me, as he stood by refusing to stop it, telling me I was a drama queen for allowing such harassment to bother me.
I gave
and
gave
and gave. I spent three more months giving him opportunity to invest in our relationship and friendship, AFTER he told me that he didn't want to do anything with me outside of what we were already doing.
I gave
and
gave
and gave. Even after his assurance that he didn't want me for anything then we had presently made me feel like a used piece of ass.
I gave
and
gave
and gave. Past the point that I believed I had given my all.
I gave
and
gave
and gave. I kept believing in him, in us, in the plans we had made.
I gave
and
gave
and gave. After he told me that he was going to give to his ex, that which he had denied me.
I gave
and
gave
and gave. After he told me that ex had inserted herself into our relationship, and he did nothing to prevent it.
I gave
and
gave
and gave. Him my body, my love, my soul, my devotion, my loyalty, my sincerity, my honesty, my openness, my sacrifice.
He took
and
took
and took. Even after I told him that I needed him to put forth some effort.
He took
and
took
and took. Even after I told him that I needed him to meet me in the middle.
He took
and
took
and took. Even after I pleaded with him to allow us to develop a friendship.
He took
and
took
and took. Even after I told him that I needed his honesty.
He took
and
took
and took. Even after I sacrificed all I had to give.
He took
and
took
and took. Even after I told him that I felt as if I were being treated like a piece of ass.
He took
and
took
and took. After I told him I was empty.
He took
and
took
and took. After I told him that if things stayed the same it would destroy me, shatter me, and break me.
He took
and
took
and took. Even when I begged and pleaded for some sign that he wanted our relationship and friendship to succeed.
He took
and
took
and took. Even when I told him that I just needed him to make some teeny tiny effort for me to stay.
I have sat today and read through each blog post that I've made as Splintered Crimson. I have wondered how I made the same mistakes I was certain I would never make. Why would I justify those things simply because of a connection and absolute conviction that we were created to be together.
I am broken. I am shattered. I am splintered.
In the words of Soundgarden, "I've given everything I need, I'd give you everything I own, I'd give in if it could at least be ours alone, I've given everything I could."
I can stand here today, separate and apart from him and know that I gave him much more than my all. I handed him my entire being. I gave him the parts I'd never given anyone.
Again, in the words of Soundgarden, "Nothing seems to kill me, no matter how hard I try. Nothing is closing my eyes. Nothing can bet me down for your pain or delight. And nothing seems to break me, no matter how hard I fall nothing can break me at all. Not one for giving up, though invincible I know.
I still know that he and I were created to be together. We were designed as one, and we fit together. Perfectly.
I still believe but have no hope.
I now doubt. Was his words the truth or were his actions? Does he love me and want to spend his life with me or does he want to give me nothing except on his terms, and the way he likes, while dismissing my needs? Was I merely company, conversation and sex and nothing more or did he long for us to be more but let his own issues interfere?
I no longer can hope. I can no longer be certain.
The only thing that I know is that he and I were created to be together.
I thought that meant we would be.
I thought that meant I could give everything I had to him & he'd cherish, appreciate, protect it.
I thought that meant that the investments would be worth the gain.
I thought that meant we'd spend our lives together.
We all have someone out there made for us. Someone we are supposed to spend our lives with. Someone that will be the yin to our yang and balance us. Someone that will be our opposite to everyone else's eyes due to the balance we must give one another, but when it comes to who we are inside the two will be the same.
Yet, that doesn't mean that it will work. Everything in life is a choice. We have to choose to deal with our baggage. We have to choose to deal with our past. We have to chose to battle our demons and win. We have to chose to do the hard stuff so that we can have the good stuff.
For the first time in my life, I know that I will no longer make the same mistakes. I will never again give myself to someone that doesn't appreciate me. I will no longer give myself to someone that doesn't want me to. I will no longer give myself to someone that denies me a return. I will no longer give myself to someone that rejects me, criticizes me, betrays me or forsakes me.
I will no longer fall into all the sacrificial givings that I have fallen prey to.
I can be confident of this. Because I have no doubts that I will never date again. How could I be with another knowing that I was created to be with him? How unfair would that be to another?
Life is a bitch. I'm pissed at God as I've remained for some time. You can not miss that which you do not now exists. But now I long and crave and desire with a passion that seeks to consume me that which I now know exists but has been denied to me. 18 years he and I were around each other on and off, but never did our paths cross. We were sometimes less than a football field away from each other, but never met. Yet now, now the forces that be bring us together only to deny us that which we are destined to have. Yeah, life is a bitch.
