A Man, A Woman, and A Love Story

I look at you and see a man that has conquered so much.

A man that fought some demons and won but other demons he merely buried deep enough within him he thought no one would ever be able to sense they were there.

A man that has held a deep capacity to feel his own emotions but always kept them locked within certain limits.

A man who allowed the emotions of others to fully flow through him so that he could help them, no matter the cost to self.

A man that allowed emotions of others to live vicariously so that even though he kept his emotions under such tight lock and key, he still felt that he lived on some level.

A man that understands the full impact of whatever this is between us but most importantly, is strong enough and brave enough to not only embrace it but to embrace me in the same grip so that I am also strong enough.

A man that hides from the entire world and yet makes the world think that they know him.

A man that will live his entire life never being able to see how beautiful he truly is, but will believe it only because the woman he loved insists that it is so.

The woman who, already understands, that her life has forever been changed and altered in such a way that she will finally, at long last, have the safety and security she thought had forever been destroyed when she was just a small child.

The woman who would gladly give her life if that was the only way it could bring happiness to you.

The woman that knows, for the first time ever, that there is truly a reason to have faith in humanity and that reason is something she never believed existed:

A love like ours.

I Fell In Love

The last few months have been so difficult for me. Trying to navigate a situation with a controlling ex-husband out to destroy my life, children with unique and special medical needs, a friend fighting cancer and so smuch more. There wasn’t enough hours in the day, enough of me to go around. Everyone kept taking and taking.

Except for my best friend.

My best friend made me laugh when all I wanted to do was cry.

My best friend kept telling me that I could get through this, that I would be ok.

My best friend didn’t go on dates so he could spend time with me through my darkness.

My best friend drove over an hour to my home to check on me one night when I’d expressed despair and then didn’t answer his calls and texts later (I was sleeping).

My best friend kept accepting me, loving me and pushing me to forgive myself for falling apart in front of my children.

In the midst of it all, I fell in love. I don’t know exactly when it happened. Just that it did. I wouldn’t think about it. I just pushed the feelings deep inside and ignored them.

Until he leaned in and kissed me. Not the kiss of a friend that just thinks we’d have good sex. The kiss of a man that cherished me.

So I asked.

He answered that he loved me and was in love with me.

We spent hours talking. We both shared so much, even tears a few times.

We drank in each other’s bodies, scent, soul. We explored and learned. We ignored the outside world and discovered each other in my bedroom, where he has been a hundred times but never touched me.

I slept last night intertwined with him after following him home. In his bed. A bed we’ve slept in several times, never touching. A bed now that felt more like a cocoon.

I don’t know where this journey will lead us.

All I know is that I fell in love with my best friend and the world is a dozen shades brighter than it’s been for months.

I Reside In Hell

I married him. After all, I stayed and I married him.

After, on our honeymoon, the suspicions and doubts I'd had but were never fully certain of were confirmed.

Months have passed and each day it seems that I discover more deceit. More untruths.

I married an absolute stranger.

I know only one thing, that I know nothing about him.

Each day is filled with deceit, dishonesty and lies. Each day is filled with his pretending to be something he isn't. Each day is filled with him accusing me of being something that I am not, while admitting to more lies. Each day is a contradiction of the day before.

He says that he loves me even as he lies to me about who he is, what he is, where he is and even who he is with. He says that he loves me even as he says that he would tell any lie to get what he wants. He says that he loves me even as he says that he doesn't care about my feelings. He says that he loves me even as he tells me that I am guilty of the very things he does.

He says that he knows I am as dishonest as him. He says that I must also have cheated. He calls me a hypocrite and a liar. He tells me that I do nothing but "whine" and "complain" about his dishonesty and that I have no right to do so.

He hates every fiber of me, and yet knows nothing about who I am.

Three years I have been in this warped relationship where he uses me at his whim and cares nothing for the damage or havoc he wrecks.

I fear admitting defeat.
     I fear admitting that I was completely and totally wrong.
          I fear admitting that I could have been so totally and completely conned and deceived.
                I fear what all of that will mean.

I know not who I am.
I know only what I am not.
And I am NOT any of the things he accuses me of.

I Tried To Tell Him....

I offered him these pages, these writings.

He feels that these words are merely how I want to perceive myself instead of how I truly am.

If I wanted to be perceived the way I write here, wouldn't I also show this side of me in public? Wouldn't the people I interact with regularly feel the same about me as I state I am here?

His loss.

Either he is a complete fool, he never cared to begin with, or his own issues are to substantial for a happy relationship to be worth the effort it would take to bring down his walls.

I'll never know.


******

Some birds are not meant to be caged, that’s all. Their feathers are too bright, their songs too sweet and wild. So you let them go, or when you open the cage to feed them they somehow fly out past you. And the part of you that knows it was wrong to imprison them in the first place rejoices, but still, the place where you live is that much more drab and empty for their departure. —Stephen King

I’m guilty of giving people more chances than they deserve but when I’m done, I’m done. —Turcois Ominek

You will evolve past certain people. Let yourself. 
—Mandy Hale

 Some people never surrender to love for the fear of being hurt. But to not have loved, to not have felt the immense joy it brings, would have been a far worse kind of death.
—Goldie Hawn

If you only knew how to respect my heart, I wouldn’t have found a reason to let you go. —Jourdane Erasquin

Letting go is not getting rid of memories. Memories will stay, they always do. Letting go is making sure that the pain associated with the memories goes away.
—Arti Honrao

Even as I hold you, I am letting you go.
—Alice Walker

She let him go once. Every day demands that she release him over and over again.
—Julianna Baggott

If only....

If only I could hate him.

If only I could shut down all emotions.

If only I could be as emotionless as he appears.

Then it would be easier.

For the short term.

For being all those things would also mean that I would not be true to myself.

I am a person with a depth of emotion. The depth of pain I feel now enables me to also feel the depths of joy and love that I am capable of feeling.

It's worth it.

Even if it doesn't feel like it today.

Breakups

You know how when you are finally at the point of ending a relationship, and you are relieved that it's over? You tell yourself that in time you won't even think about the new ex anymore, and that any hurt will fade?

I don't feel relieved.

I don't want to forget.

Logic tells me that I am a fool and I need to believe his actions instead of his words.

My heart tells me that his love for me is deep and never ending.

I am conflicted.

I don't recall this having ever happened before.

I want him to love himself, like who he is, and be confident in his abilities. I want him to quit blaming himself for everything, and to quit thinking any and all of his previous failed relationships were completely his fault. I want him to learn that showing and sharing emotions do not make us weak, but strengthen us. I want him to know that a person can give another what they want, and it not be giving in or "changing". I want him to believe that he can accept my love because he is worthy of it. I want him to give me his love, even if he had to do it afraid. I want that connection. Even when logic tells me it can never happen, my heart won't let me stop believing.

And when the hell have I ever let heart trump logic??? Maybe he is right. Maybe truly loving someone completely does make us weak. I feel weak. I feel splintered. I feel hollow.

I'm just a big mess of walking contradictions! Now I am frustrated and angry.

I gave it my all, and I could't make it work. It didn't work because I was trying and he was just there. It takes two to make a relationship work. Each time he told me he didn't want to spend quality time with me or do something enjoyable with me because he didn't "like" it, I just wanted to punch him.

How royally screwed up is it that I want to hear the dogs barking, go to see who is outside, and see him standing there with a bouquet of flowers and plans to finally take me and give me his undivided attention?

Shit.

I'm stuck in a Disney fairytale.

Only life has never given me happy endings.

Questions

How many tears can one person shed in a lifetime? 

How many times can a person make the same mistake?

Is it a mistake if you genuinely believed at the time that you were doing the right thing? 

How much heartache, bad news, trouble, and pain can the human heart endure? 

How much physical pain can a broken body endure before insanity comes?

How many people must betray a person before they cease to help others? 

At what point does one cease to hope? 

How long will those that deceive, use, take advantage of and willfully destruct others succeed even as those that reach out to show compassion get struck down again and again?

If we all know life isn't fair, why do we hurt so much when that unfairness impacts us yet again? 

How is it that people can say all the right things, but never mean them? 

Why do people expect so much from others when they have no desire to give in return? 

Is it truly dysfunctional to continue to love those that can not care about you, simply because they do not have love for themselves? 

When a person that is, at the moment, incapable of love and compassion and assaults you verbally, should you still reflect on what they have accused and allow it to haunt you? 

Why do people leave when you need them the most? 

How much can one person take? 

Has a person ever died from physical pain from a broken and diseased body? 

Do people die from heartache when it comes year after year? 

Are some people destined to have tragic and heart rending lives? 

Why do people have to pay for another's sins? 

Why do people pull away from those that genuinely care about them, only to cling to those that use them? 

Why do people sling accusations against genuine, real, compassionate human beings even as they cling to those that have no compassion? 

Why would a person chose an "internet" family over a real flesh and blood family that loves them? 

How can people abandon their children? 

How can parents turn against their child due to personal preferences, sexual orientation, or religious beliefs? 

How can I hurt so deeply, feel so much, long to offer support and love..........yet year after year watch people walk away when the weather impacts my health and leaves me broken?

True Love

A man shall show his true, unconditional and undying love for me in one way.......

having my name tatted on his beautiful body in...........


BINARY CODE.


:)

Last Night

As darkness came, our roles reversed and I breathed a sigh of relief. My workday was over. I could just BE. I followed his directions, which each task suddenly becoming sensual. Making him a glass of ice water, setting up his new account, even my taking a shower......each task that he gave to me was, somehow, a labor of love. Instead of monotonous responsibilities that I had burned out on years ago, I sought to please him. I wanted to do my best in each. I was so upset and frustrated when halfway through my shower, in which I had been directed to shave in a very specific manner, the hot water ran out (joy of having teens in the house). I stayed in the shower as long as I could, but due to my health restrictions, cold water can cripple me. When he realized the hot water had run out and that I was attempting to finish anyway, he firmly told me that I was to discontinue. However, I WANTED to finish. I felt COMPELLED to do as I had been told. I could tell that he did not want to inflict my muscles with pain due to the cold water, but I felt such great disappointment in being unable to complete the task at hand. 

After all children were successfully enshrouded in dreamland, our "night" began. I have never, in my entire life, even fantasized that lovemaking could be so good.  I honestly do not believe, after what I experienced last night, that I have ever been a recipient of love making. Every thing in the past seems so hollow and empty. 

At one point, a specific combination of our activities brought back that long suppressed fear. Quite frankly, PTSD is a bitch. I do not care to explain in detail what this means, just Google "flashbacks PTSD" for a description. For my fellow sufferers out there, I know that you will understand and know that all of you are often in my thoughts. We stand together and in that alone we have strength. 

He caught my flashback a split second before I did. He halted everything and went straight to protecting me, nurturing me, letting me know I was safe. He pulled me back before I lost myself and I clung to his voice as a life preserver. Yet, it confused me. I knew the voice I was hearing was safety. Yet, I didn't recognize the voice. As I became aware of my surroundings and collected myself, I realized that it was him. Yet, I had never known him to sound that way, to be that way. What had so drastically changed? 

We were able to resume our activities. I longed to do as he desired, his wish my every command. I have never imagined that my body could feel so good. His grip around my neck, allowing my movements while riding him to determine the strength of his grip..... pure bliss. 

Almost a decade ago, a dear friend of mine told me that she thought she was going to marry the man she had started dating. Knowing that she had sworn off marriage after having remarried her ex-husband and it failing, I was stunned. I looked at her incredulously and asked, "Why?". My sweet, innocent, docile, delicate friend looked at me with hooded eyes and stated, "Because, he choked me and I had the most breathtaking orgasm I have ever experienced."

"HE CHOKED YOU????" I couldn't keep the shock out of my voice. Why the hell would she let some asshole choke her? 

She patiently explained that she had allowed it, that she had even wanted it. That she had wanted it for  a long time but had never been with a man that would do it. Actually, she said she'd never been with anyone "man enough" to do it. I was dumbfounded and convinced she'd lost her mind. 

Let me admit my wrong now and state that she was absolutely spot on! There is no better orgasm than that one that comes with the lack of total control when his hands are around your neck and your are torn between the pleasure and the pain. It is the first time that I have had an orgasm and my mind has been stilled. 

We've realized that we need to invest in a waterproof mattress cover. 

After our escapades, I felt a little "out of it". He was holding me, caressing me, caring for me, loving me. Having never craved choking to the extent that I now do, and certainly having never had it done to me (barring abuse many years before), I had not anticipated the lingering effects of such. The lightheaded that also feels like a tightness in your head, the feeling that your eyes are bigger than usual, the surreal feeling. He told me that we will research this, make sure that we put safety first, and that for future reference we will research anything we want to try before doing so. Knowing that he was concerned for me, even as he assured me that I would feel fine in a few minutes (and I did) was of no small consequence. 

He whispered in my ear, "I love you". 

Previously, he had only told me that twice where I sensed emotion behind it. The other declarations were perfunctory, made out of his sense that he was required to say it, even if he wasnt' particularly feeling it at the time. This time though I heard it in his voice....that same voice I'd heard earlier in the night that I thought was not his. 

As he turned me around to look at him, he even looked like a totally different person. I told him that instead of looking like his cold and calculating grandfather, he now looked like his supportive, caring, loving uncle. He looked different. Sounded different. Felt different. 

Although in awe at the changes I saw, I knew one thing without hesitation. 

I had finally, after all the years of wandering, found home. 

True submission is not fear.....it's devotion

When I first started learning about different aspects of the master/slave dynamic, I was dumbfounded. I saw men and women that were miserable, no self esteem, and serving out of fear. I didn't understand it. Then, I ran across a site that chronicled the life of a master and his two slaves. When he took in those two slaves, they were beaten down, dejected, felt worthless. They had been brutally abused and mistreated. Yet, this master built them up. He took away their day to day stresses (what to eat, what to do with their time, what to wear, etc) so that the focus could be on their emotional and mental healing. In time, they grew in amazing ways and went out into the world confident and happy. They went to college, obtained employment and were downright happy. They respected their master and their devotion to him for all that he had given them was profound. This is when I realized that I longed for that type of healing and begin to wonder if that would be the path I would take to get there.

However, that master is a rarity. He didn't take his pleasure and then give to them with "after care". He cared for them every second of every day and met their needs first. They cared for him out of true devotion, not fear. They trusted him. He believed in them.

I can never imagine trusting anyone to that extent. I can't imagine giving anyone control of my life.

But what I wouldn't do for just a short period where the stress of survival alone was removed from me.

I Found "The One"

I found "the one". I know what you are thinking. Didn't I already say this before? Didn't I rave about how I'd found "the one" and we'd live happily ever after?

Yes, I did. However, I discovered that he could not meet ALL my needs. Let's face it, I'm not perfect. Add to that imperfection the myriad of situations I face in a day due to health issues or special needs......well, life is pretty hectic in these here woods. I don't consider myself a needy person, but am starting to realize that I really am.

I need so many things.

I need someone to tell me on occasion that I'm doing a good job. I need someone to offer me their strength when I'm to weak to go on. I need someone whose going to fight battles with me and sometimes even fight them for me. I need someone to forgive me for all the things I do wrong, over and over again if need be. I need someone to provide for the basic neccesities in life and then enough to give the kids and I some extra luxuries. Someone who'll give me gifts, not because of what I did, but simply because they love me. I need someone who loves me enough that if I'm messing up, they are going to speak up and tell me. I need someone who, after pointing out where I'm messing up, will let me know they are going to support me, hold me accountable, and help me fix whatever the issue is.

I need someone to remind me that those I'm losing to death are in a much better place and no longer are in pain. I need someone to understand why I cry on anniversaries of certain deaths or on the birthdays of those long passed. I need someone to tell me it's OK and just to comfort me as I cry.

I need someone to understand what it's like to go day after day smiling, when physically the pain never goes away. I need someone to understand the health issues or special needs my children are facing and love them wholeheartedly regardless.

I need someone who thinks I'm beautiful and pricelss regardless of whether I gain, or lose, weight. Regardless of whether or not I wear makeup. Regardless of what I wear.

I need someone to know my entire past, and it not make a single bit of difference in how they feel about me.

I need someone to understand all my fears, and let me know that they'll be there through them all.

I found that person. It's ironic actually. You know that saying, "it was right in front of you all along"? Well, it's true. He was right in front of me all along. He's all the things I need. He's so very much more. Each day I love him a little bit more. Each day I think I could never possibly love him more then I do now, but then something else happens and I'm moved to love more.

I know, you're probably thinking this will be like the other time. When I was soooo sure I'd found "the one" and then it all went terribly wrong. You are also probably wondering how I can be so sure that I've finally found "the one" this time. I mean, if I was wrong before, you probably think I'm wrong now to.

But, I KNOW I'm right this time. There is no mistaking it. This man....he is the one and I will never ever ever find anyone like him in my ENTIRE life.

I have proof.

Real proof. The kind no one can deny.

Proof that he loves me just as much as he says he does.

You see....... He sent His only Son to die for my sins so that I would be forgiven. So that He and I could be together. So that one day, I could live and never hurt or suffer or cry again.

I've found The One who will make all things right.

I'll never let Him go.

The best part............ He loves YOU that much also.

Banana Splits and Sleepovers

Today is the first day I've had all three of my kids home at the same time since getting stuck in the hospital. IT IS FANTABULOUSLY WONDERFUL HAVING THEM ALL HOME!!!!

My best friend brought her two children for a good ole sleepover. Truth be told, we all knew I couldn't handle a night with all three by myself. Right now, my best friend and one child are camped out in my bed room. I'm on the couch (which is pretty much where I've lived since getting released) and I have the other 5 kids on a big pallet on the floor. The two girls are singing lullabies to Pook. This, is bliss.

Life isn't always easy in our family. Well, it's never easy. You're not likely to meet a family as diverse as ours when it comes to health problems and special needs. Our house is messy, we never have enough money, there is always unfolded laundry, someone is either always in pain or having a meltdown, and we spend so much time between hospitals and doctor offices I have yet to understand why we don't have permanent rooms there.

Yet, we are held together by a strong bond of love. Many families get torn apart. Part of our family has been recently torn apart. Yet, there are four of us that are deeply twined together.....four of us that won't be torn apart. The reason is because we have something else intertwined with us. Something stronger then we could ever hope to be. Something that as we grow and change, and ever as the paths we walk upon lead us away from each other, it will consistently remain the same. Our bond is held together by the love of God. Through that love we are bound and forever will be.

Today was exhausting, painful, emotionally trying, and downright difficult. I couldn't have asked for a greater blessing.

PS.... Banana Splits with ALL the toppings for breakfast!!! What's a sleepover without ice cream for breakfast?