Needs vs Wants: Part One

Part One

For someone with a history of abuse, it's difficult to determine what you want. Typically this is something mentioned early on in therapy or group. We realize that we don't know what we want and we invest a lot of time into figuring this out. We have to discover what we enjoy on the path of determining who we are. Eventually we have to decide what we want in a relationship.

I saw a post yesterday that was about determining what a person NEEDED in a relationship. My first thought was, “I don't need a relationship. I just want one.” Something tugged at the edges of my conscious mind and I paused to examine further what I'd just thought. It is true, I don't need anyone to survive. I've been on my own since 16. I've raised three kids on my own, each with special needs or health issues. I've survived trauma that people only think happens in movies. I've lost many friends and family members to death, starting at an early age. I would walk through hell itself to face Satan and doubt I'd feel any fear. I don't “need” anyone.

However, when you look at the question again, that isn't even the point. Fine, I don't need anyone. I am happy and content single. I have a history of being happier single then when in committed relationships. Why? Maybe because I never considered what I needed once I was in a relationship! Ideally, in hindsight, I think perhaps a relationship may fare better if you've identified your needs prior to moving into a relationship.

My first thoughts on this journey were to think about individual things that I wanted or needed. Honesty, touch, etc. These are explained more in depth below. However, in writing these things out I made a discovery. What I “need” isn't a list of things I need the other person to do, or not do. What I need in a relationship is to feel safe and secure. I feel compelled to write other things such as happy, content, and so forth. Yet, the more I ponder it the more I realize that I really just need to feel safe and secure. The list of individual things I'll consider are simply the path or means to my feeling safe and secure.

This brings me to look at the one thing I've requested out of all relationships for many years: HONESTY. Not society's view of “honest enough”, but full fledge, I can trust you with anything, you'll never deceive me, no white lies, transparent honesty. Everything else was negotiable. It took me quite some time to realize this and then even more time to accept it. Now though I realize that this isn't a want, it is a deep rooted need. I need someone who is absolutely honest and transparent as that is what I need to trust someone. With that trust comes safety and security. It doesn't mean they won't ever do hurtful things, it just means that they will do so openly so that we can work through it. That is safety. That is security.

What else do I need? I do buy into the concept that we all have different “love languages” and that the way we communicate and receive love is important. I perceive love and affection through touch primarily. Holding hands, kissing, hugs, being held, a light touch here and there, arms wrapped around my waist while washing dishes; touch is very important to me. Some of the special needs my children have mean that touch is difficult for them. The usual mother/child elements of touch have been lacking and it was difficult with me to correlate that the lack of touch did not mean a lack of love. Can I have a full, loving relationship without touch? Absolutely! Does this mean touch is merely a want instead of a need? No. I don't think it does. If I fell in love with a man that couldn't manage touch, then I have no doubts we'd work around it and I'd discover other ways to have that need met, yet at his point in time touch is very much a need in a relationship. Touch that I do not have to initiate. So, the second thing I need would be: Touch

The next thing that comes to mind is well thought out surprises. This can come in any form really. A gift, a pre-panned date night, a impromptu outing. Something that is given to me simply to bring me happiness. This is another “love language” and although my mind wants to rebel at stating it as a need, I do believe it is. I feel that stating I need well thought out surprises makes me selfish, materialistic, or even greedy. Yet the whole point of this exercise is to identify the things that I need which are things that will make me feel safe and secure in a relationship. Well thought out gifts and surprises shows me that the other person is thinking of me, appreciates me, and wants me to be happy. This offers a sense of security as well.

That said, I've come to realize that much of the well thought out surprises/gifts are about perspective. For example, a guy I was dating once told me he was bringing me a surprise. He had never given me anything before and I was incredibly excited. My mind raced with ideas; flowers, a hard cover copy of my favorite book, a trip somewhere, a new scarf? All day I wondered what the surprise was. When he arrived he presented a black canvas bag. I opened it and discovered it was a steamer (the kind you can use to de-wrinkle fabric, clean with, etc). I was disappointed and I'm certain it showed. I grew up with a slew of adult women that always complained that their husbands only bought them gifts that would help them work at home. Blenders, crock pots, vacuum cleaners, washing machines, and so forth. Without realizing it, I'd adopted that same attitude so a steamer wasn't a gift, but something that was a chore. Yet, from his end it was a well thought out gift. One that he'd spent considerable time and effort in finding after I'd used his steamer on my clothing one morning, raved about how much I loved it, and said I wanted to find me one. He'd been on the lookout for a good one for several weeks and had gotten me one that was even better than his as mine had all kinds of attachments that went with it. It was a well though out gift that held consideration and love behind it, yet I missed that. In hindsight, that well thought out gift was exactly what I wanted and even needed, despite it being a gift that I'd use for chores. So, even though I am defining my needs, I need to remember to look at the other person's perspective when determining if my needs are being met. So, the third thing I need is well thought out surprises/gifts.

It is quite difficult to determine wants from needs. I'm certain this list may change as time goes by and I continue to consider it and ponder it.

The next thing that I feel is a need for me is conversation. I need to be able to talk about my life, hear about their life, share our perspectives and ideas. Conversation is a must. It aides me in understanding my partner while also allowing us to have someone to confide in. I can't imagine I'd ever feel safe and secure with someone I couldn't hold a conversation with. Without conversation, how would we ever be on the same page? Working towards the same goals?

….......to be continued

H O N E S T Y

“You're too honest”
“It wasn't a lie, I just left out some stuff”
“I didn't want to tell her because I was scared it would hurt her feelings”
“No one actually wants to hear the truth all the time”
“I'm not a deceitful person, I'm just private so sometimes don't say things.
exactly like they are”
“It was just a white lie, everyone tells those”

I could go on and on with these. I have heard them my entire life and my rigid views on honesty have always been considered outside of the norm. I've felt so foreign in my own beliefs about honesty that I've often wondered if this is some flaw that I have, an area of growth I've somehow skipped and others made it through.

I understand that the vast majority of people will state they are an honest person. Yet, the way people define honest varies such a wide range.

A range.... I actually had someone define deceit that way recently. They said that deceit ranges on a scale from “neutral” to “evil”. They perceived themselves as just a bit past the neutral mark, and therefore nowhere near the “evil” end of the scale. I asked if someone that only deceives occasionally was on the neutral end of the scale and they replied that they were. I then questioned what would be on the evil end? Would it be someone that lied daily? If someone lying occasionally is what puts you on the neutral side of the spectrum, then lying often would put on on the evil side? At this point they said they didn't want to discuss it.

I am a stout believer in honesty. Maybe it is a flaw and stems from my far distant past of abuse and trauma as I've been told several times. However, when it comes to honesty I see black and white. No gray. No white lies. No deception through omission. No partial truths.

When I first meet someone, I approach them with full trust. I give them the benefit of the doubt and do not second guess what they say. Many have told me that my flaw is in offering unconditional trust rather than making people earn trust. However, I feel that if it is something that has to be earned, then it is not unconditional. I offer trust freely. However, once that trust is betrayed, I struggle to believe anything the person says again. I believe in unconditional forgiveness as well as that people can change. I will therefore discuss how I feel about honesty, how deception leads me to second guess all that a person says, and how honesty in interactions with me would benefit us both. Then, I give a second chance several more times. Yet, after a few times of being shown deception or dishonesty in any form, I am done. I will still associate with this person, however they've now been placed in the “associate” box rather than the “friend”, “best friend”, “lover”, “boyfriend”, “partner” or any other box.

Is this extreme? Possibly. Yet, everything that I offer is 100%. If I love you, it is with all that I have. If I fear something, enjoy something or am angered by something it is with all that I am. I love fiercely, laugh uncontrollably, and give freely. Full throttle and with nothing held back. What you see is what you get.

I don't expect someone to tell me everything. Yet, I do expect them to simply say that they don't want to discuss something or answer something rather than them toss me a lie. I respect a person's privacy and sense of self so am perfectly fine with this.

Maybe this is some flaw within me, a weakness, a vulnerability. Yet, this is something I will continue to strive for and seek out. So, if you're like me and crave someone that will always strive for complete and total transparent honesty, shoot me a message! I'd love to chat!

Always an Addict

I recently switched doctors. Although my children and I shared the same doctor for over 8 years, it had become impossible to get appointments in a reasonable amount of time. This doctor knew everything about my family, and had literally been caring for my son since he was born. When she switched offices, we had followed her. Leaving her wasn't a decision taken lightly.

 I've been seeing my new doctor for over half a year now. My family was extremely pleased with her. I've been battling some pretty nasty health issues of late. On my last visit I was told they wanted to take a urine sample to see if there was another cause for my lower back pain. When they sent me an email update that the visit summary was available, I jumped over to see if the lab results were back. They weren't, but the lab summary stated, "urine today due to pain". Fast forward a couple of weeks when I log back into my account to see if the labs had posted yet, since my doctors office had not called with the results. Imagine my surprise when I saw that a full drug panel had been done on me! 

Due to my chronic pain issues, I do have a prescription of Hydrocodone 325/5mg. I am prescribed enough for 2 pills a day. Every single month I have meds left over. 

At each doctors visit I take my bottle with me. It's a habit I picked up in 2001 when I was first diagnosed and had only 4 years clean time. Since I have always filled out my doc profiles legit and checked the little box beside the question that asked about previous drug abuse, doctors worry about someone with only a few years clean that have health issues which cause chronic pain. I didn't mind....... back then! 

Now, I rarely even have a prescription for pain medication. Through the years, I managed to find alternate ways to manage my pain. I'm proud of that. Narcotic pain relief isn't really relief at all. It dulls the pain, bringing it back with a vengeance when the meds wear off. This typically results in the patient taking the medication every 4-6 hours to keep that rebound pain away. It's a nasty cycle. It's no wonder people become addicted to prescription medications so easily. But I know this! 

I've spent over a decade of my life working with addicts. I'm aware of how the medications work and why it is literally a physically painful process to come off of them once addicted. 

If I were going to abuse prescription medications, wouldn't I go to a pain clinic that takes one look at all my medical diagnosis and is ready to prescribe me anything I ask for? The same pain clinic's I've complained about for years because they don't want to manage your pain, but merely drug you enough so that you don't know who you are, much less feel pain? Why would I stick to a measly bottle of 60 5mg hydrocodone if I was looking to get high and abuse them? If I were abusing them, how could I have pills left over every month? 

This May I will celebrate 18 years clean time. 18 years of not abusing drugs, prescription medications or alcohol. 18 years is a big deal. I was 19 when I got clean. 18 years is almost half my life span. At 13 years old, I was prescribed an addictive medication. I despise that no one talked to me or my parents about the risk of addiction. I despise that, as a result, I lost the next 6 years of my life. I spent 6 years of my CHILDHOOD strung out. I've spent 36 years of my entire life CLEAN. Six years of MY life that was WASTED because a doctor felt it was more important to drug me then to deal with the effects of the abuse I was enduring. Six years of MY life that was WASTED because a doctor didn't care if I ended up addicted, as long as my parents kept bringing me back and paying the bill. I'm proud of the woman I've become. I lived through a kind of hell most people can not even imagine during the 6 years of my life that I wasn't clean. 

It wasn't easy getting clean. Getting clean meant I had to deal with my Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. Getting clean meant I had to feel emotions about incidents I just wanted to forget about. Getting clean is, to date, one of the most difficult things I ever did. As I've mentioned before, I wasn't even aware of what addiction was. Other addicts taught me about addiction. Told me what it meant, what their lives were like. Told me that I didn't want the life they had and I should get out while I was young. When I realized that I was addicted (I was 18 then), I started thinking deeply about what that meant. 6 months later I woke up one morning and declared, "I want to get clean". After the initial jokes of "take a shower" subsided, the same addicts who told me that I didn't want their life were the ones that sat by my bed as my body was wrecked for days. Yeah, getting clean was one of the worst experiences of my life. It ranks right up there with being gang raped. Getting clean is, most likely, the hardest thing any person will have to go through. It means making amends with those you've hurt. It means dealing with the hurt and pain you were trying to run away from. It means accepting responsibility for your actions. 

And apparently, to my current doctor, it means "Once an addict, always an addict".

Ironically enough, I accept the phrase "Once an addict, always an addict". I know to never take a prescription that can alter my senses if I am extremely sad, depressed, or feeling any type of negativity. I will lay in bed and suffer through my physical pain rather than take something that will also deaden the emotions I may be feeling. I know that, even though I never think about getting high anymore, that I easily could. I know that somewhere, hovering around the edges of my mind, is that girl that was so easily addicted and then kept with the addiction because it was better than dealing with the hell she was living with. The same girl who kept taking the meds even after she left her current hell, and told herself it was because of the hell she had run into. That girl is still somewhere deep inside of me. I hold all her memories, all her fears, all her reasons for running. I'm not that same girl, but I cling to the belief that she is still inside of me and could resurface. 

However, I know firsthand that having been an addict does not mean that you will never be able to remain clean I know that having been an addict doesn't mean that my pain can not be managed without abusing it. 

I know that if a doctor has concerns, they should DISCUSS THEM WITH ME, instead of being sneaky to get a drug test behind my back. I know that I deserve a doctor to be as honest and upfront with me as I've been with EVERY SINGLE ONE since the time I first got clean.

 I am angry. I am hurt. I even feel betrayed. I was told that my kidneys and bladder would be checked to attempt to determine if anything else was causing my pain besides the issue we knew of. Instead, they didn't check anything except to see if I was abusing drugs. I was lied to by my medical provider because they assumed that, since I readily admitted I had been an addict between the ages of 13 and 19, I must be an addict now.

 Guess my family will be searching for a new doctor. Honesty runs high on my list for a medical provider.

Where does time go......

My last post was a month after I met him. I've been with him ever since. Until yesterday.

He and I both felt a connection that neither of us had ever felt before. It was as if we had an energy that bound us, flowed through us, and made each of us stronger. The depth of emotion we felt (well, I know I felt) was intense and unlike anything I've ever known. I was certain that the connection we felt was proof that we were meant to be together. I honestly felt, and even now feel, that we were created to be together. We fit, perfectly.

And somehow I fell into the same old habits. The same things I had promised myself I would never do again. I justified the sacrifices for what I thought we had.

I gave
     and
           gave
                and gave. When his dishonesty was first discovered, I listened to his reason and accepted it as truth. With each subsequent episode of deception, I listened to his reasons and clung to his promises that he would never do it again.

I gave
     and
           gave
                and gave. I put forth all the effort for us to see one another.

I gave
     and
           gave
                and gave. I worked diligently to build a friendship with him.

I gave
     and
           gave
                and gave. I gave up my friends to attempt to soothe his jealousy, insecurity, and false accusations.

I gave
     and
           gave
                and gave. I begged and pleaded for his time, attention and energy.

I gave
     and
           gave
                and gave. I believed his reasons, even when I knew they were not true.

I gave
     and
           gave
                and gave. I settled for our few dates being only restaurants, and even then only his favorites.

I gave
     and
           gave
                and gave. I gave up plans, goals and vacations waiting for him to follow through with his promises to do those things with me.

I gave
     and
           gave
                and gave. Throughout the entire time that one of his exes stalked, harassed and tormented me, as he stood by refusing to stop it, telling me I was a drama queen for allowing such harassment to bother me.

I gave
     and
           gave
                and gave. I spent three more months giving him opportunity to invest in our relationship and friendship, AFTER he told me that he didn't want to do anything with me outside of what we were already doing.

I gave
     and
           gave
                and gave. Even after his assurance that he didn't want me for anything then we had presently made me feel like a used piece of ass.

I gave
     and
           gave
                and gave. Past the point that I believed I had given my all.

I gave
     and
           gave
                and gave. I kept believing in him, in us, in the plans we had made.
I gave
     and
           gave
                and gave. After he told me that he was going to give to his ex, that which he had denied me.

I gave
     and
           gave
                and gave. After he told me that ex had inserted herself into our relationship, and he did nothing to prevent it.

I gave
     and
           gave
                and gave. Him my body, my love, my soul, my devotion, my loyalty, my sincerity, my honesty, my openness, my sacrifice.

He took
     and
          took
               and took. Even after I told him that I needed him to put forth some effort.

He took
     and
          took
               and took. Even after I told him that I needed him to meet me in the middle.

He took
     and
          took
               and took. Even after I pleaded with him to allow us to develop a friendship.

He took
     and
          took
               and took. Even after I told him that I needed his honesty.

He took
     and
          took
               and took. Even after I sacrificed all I had to give.

He took
     and
          took
               and took. Even after I told him that I felt as if I were being treated like a piece of ass.

He took
     and
          took
               and took. After I told him I was empty.

He took
     and
          took
               and took. After I told him that if things stayed the same it would destroy me, shatter me, and break me.

He took
     and
          took
               and took. Even when I begged and pleaded for some sign that he wanted our relationship and friendship to succeed.

He took
     and
          took
               and took. Even when I told him that I just needed him to make some teeny tiny effort for me to stay.

I have sat today and read through each blog post that I've made as Splintered Crimson. I have wondered how I made the same mistakes I was certain I would never make. Why would I justify those things simply because of a connection and absolute conviction that we were created to be together.

I am broken. I am shattered. I am splintered.

In the words of Soundgarden, "I've given everything I need, I'd give you everything I own, I'd give in if it could at least be ours alone, I've given everything I could."  

I can stand here today, separate and apart from him and know that I gave him much more than my all. I handed him my entire being. I gave him the parts I'd never given anyone.

Again, in the words of Soundgarden, "Nothing seems to kill me, no matter how hard I try. Nothing is closing my eyes. Nothing can bet me down for your pain or delight. And nothing seems to break me, no matter how hard I fall nothing can break me at all. Not one for giving up, though invincible I know.   

I still know that he and I were created to be together. We were designed as one, and we fit together. Perfectly. 

I still believe but have no hope. 

I now doubt. Was his words the truth or were his actions? Does he love me and want to spend his life with me or does he want to give me nothing except on his terms, and the way he likes, while dismissing my needs? Was I merely company, conversation and sex and nothing more or did he long for us to be more but let his own issues interfere? 

I no longer can hope. I can no longer be certain. 

The only thing that I know is that he and I were created to be together. 

     I thought that meant we would be. 

          I thought that meant I could give everything I had to him & he'd cherish, appreciate, protect it. 

     I thought that meant that the investments would be worth the gain. 

I thought that meant we'd spend our lives together. 

We all have someone out there made for us. Someone we are supposed to spend our lives with. Someone that will be the yin to our yang and balance us. Someone that will be our opposite to everyone else's eyes due to the balance we must give one another, but when it comes to who we are inside the two will be the same. 

Yet, that doesn't mean that it will work. Everything in life is a choice. We have to choose to deal with our baggage. We have to choose to deal with our past. We have to chose to battle our demons and win. We have to chose to do the hard stuff so that we can have the good stuff. 

For the first time in my life, I know that I will no longer make the same mistakes. I will never again give myself to someone that doesn't appreciate me. I will no longer give myself to someone that doesn't want me to. I will no longer give myself to someone that denies me a return. I will no longer give myself to someone that rejects me, criticizes me, betrays me or forsakes me. 

I will no longer fall into all the sacrificial givings that I have fallen prey to. 

I can be confident of this. Because I have no doubts that I will never date again. How could I be with another knowing that I was created to be with him? How unfair would that be to another? 

Life is a bitch. I'm pissed at God as I've remained for some time. You can not miss that which you do not now exists. But now I long and crave and desire with a passion that seeks to consume me that which I now know exists but has been denied to me. 18 years he and I were around each other on and off, but never did our paths cross. We were sometimes less than a football field away from each other, but never met. Yet now, now the forces that be bring us together only to deny us that which we are destined to have. Yeah, life is a bitch. 

             

Questions

How many tears can one person shed in a lifetime? 

How many times can a person make the same mistake?

Is it a mistake if you genuinely believed at the time that you were doing the right thing? 

How much heartache, bad news, trouble, and pain can the human heart endure? 

How much physical pain can a broken body endure before insanity comes?

How many people must betray a person before they cease to help others? 

At what point does one cease to hope? 

How long will those that deceive, use, take advantage of and willfully destruct others succeed even as those that reach out to show compassion get struck down again and again?

If we all know life isn't fair, why do we hurt so much when that unfairness impacts us yet again? 

How is it that people can say all the right things, but never mean them? 

Why do people expect so much from others when they have no desire to give in return? 

Is it truly dysfunctional to continue to love those that can not care about you, simply because they do not have love for themselves? 

When a person that is, at the moment, incapable of love and compassion and assaults you verbally, should you still reflect on what they have accused and allow it to haunt you? 

Why do people leave when you need them the most? 

How much can one person take? 

Has a person ever died from physical pain from a broken and diseased body? 

Do people die from heartache when it comes year after year? 

Are some people destined to have tragic and heart rending lives? 

Why do people have to pay for another's sins? 

Why do people pull away from those that genuinely care about them, only to cling to those that use them? 

Why do people sling accusations against genuine, real, compassionate human beings even as they cling to those that have no compassion? 

Why would a person chose an "internet" family over a real flesh and blood family that loves them? 

How can people abandon their children? 

How can parents turn against their child due to personal preferences, sexual orientation, or religious beliefs? 

How can I hurt so deeply, feel so much, long to offer support and love..........yet year after year watch people walk away when the weather impacts my health and leaves me broken?

Trust: Make Sense of this For Me Please

How is it this can be the case......

I trust a particular person in all areas of the bedroom. I will let him choke me, pound himself deep into me with such strength that I have to lie with an ice pack between my legs afterward, and do pretty much anything he so desires to me if its' sexual related.

However, I can NOT trust him to be honest with me.

I can NOT trust him not to do hurtful things to myself or my children.

I can NOT trust him to be honest with others about my children or I.

I can NOT trust him not to take money from me.

I can NOT trust him not to take my son's, or my own, prescribed medications.

I can NOT trust him to keep what I confided in him confidential (even though I've told no one the dark, deep secrets he's told me).

I can NOT trust him to be in my life.

So, how can I trust him sexually when I trust NO ONE else?

How does this make sense at all?