25 Random Tidbits

1. I hate the feel of raw meat, but love to grill.

2. It annoys the hell out of me when I've been dating someone and discover they do not know how to spell either my first or last name (or worse yet, neither).

3. I love mechanic work. Best part, the feel of the warmth from the sunlight on my grease covered hands.

4. I've have dabbled in BDSM.

5. I can provide a pretty damn good argument, with supporting facts, as to why domestic violence therapy for the victims will fuck them up beyond belief and impair future relationships.

6. When not distracted, I can out grill any man! ;-)

7. I enjoy a good challenge (refer to number 6).

8. I thought that by somehow accepting that I enjoyed rough sex, spankings, being choked, having my hair pulled, being held down and such that it meant I was accepting and even justifying the rapes and beatings I took at the hands of my abuser.

9. When I'm writing, typing feels to me as if I'm playing a piano.

10. I see music in nature. When the wind is blowing the trees, or their are ripples on the water, I hear it as music.

11. There are several dreams that I have had recur since childhood. Each are filled with people I know I have never met in real life, and that I have never seen in movies or read about in books. They are people completely unknown to me in this life, but that I feel intimately connected with.

12. I have a consistent dream of an old Victorian house, covered in dust and cobwebs. Yet, there is a hidden room that is filled with children's toys. Each time I visit this house in my dreams, I go straight to the hidden room with whatever children may be accompanying me in the dream. We hide in the hidden room for hours, knowing that we are safe and playing to our hearts content. The little piano on the ledge in the corner is my favorite, yet each time I enter the room I go through everything as if it is my first time there. The only time I get to be a little girl in this life is in my dreams.

13. I accepted long ago that I will never ever be "normal" due to the experiences of my past. I am now learning how to accept and embrace the differences and incorporate them into my life rather than let them tear me apart.

14. The few times I have dated men that were independent and confident,  I dumped them for needy men that were not. I did so out of fear that I would get emotionally attached because I do not believe any man will ever love me enough to stay forever.

15. How can you tell that I've been through a breakup that impacted me deeply emotionally?? I will dye my hair a color it has never been before. Current color: black.

16. How can you tell that I have not had sex? Hairy legs. Yep, I don't shave unless sexually active. Well, I do shave but usually only once every few weeks.

17. I'm allergic to the metal in razors.

18. I was a cutter up until ten years ago.

19. I still think about cutting, and using, and drinking on a daily basis. Maybe not all three daily, but at least one. People in my daily life do not know this.

20. I was in my late 30s before I was able to orgasm regularly. Prior to that I had 3 orgasms, with the first one unrecognized (I thought I peed on him).

21. Since my virginity was taken from me, as well as many other acts via rape later in life, I have held onto one sex act that I am saving for the man that will keep me forever. It is the only thing I was never forced to do while being raped and I cherish it more than anything else regarding sex. To me, it is sacred.

22. I have a tendency to push men that I date. I push them to do something I know they do not enjoy in a vain attempt to get them to put their foot down, look me in the eye and tell me "NO". I'm certain it would be such a turn on. Unfortunately, I tend to only date the men that would never do this. I date the men who will do what I push them to, then resent me after the fact for it and try to make me miserable after.

23. I never believe the same thing from day to day about the world, myself or other people. I am constantly changing what I believe and though I label it as self growth, often it is just insecurity in not trusting my own judgments.

24. When people would ask me what I wanted to be when I grew up, I would always say "a mommy". Of course, in my generation that was considered inappropriate, weak, degrading. I was supposed to be a liberated woman that wanted to attend college, have a career, and leave child rearing to late in life, if at all.

25. My favorite "dream life".....the life I would live if I could...... Little House on the Prairie.