Today is the day that I realize I can no longer believe in a higher power.
Today is the day that I realize if a higher power exists, then it is a mean, horrible being that revels in the misery of people.
Today is the day that I realize I do not believe in Kharma because I can think of nothing I, or my children, could have done in a past life to warrant this type of ongoing persecution.
Today is the day I admit that if the story of Job is true, then God is a horror. Because if my children were taken from me, nothing would make up for that loss.
Today is the day that I realize I do not believe in generational curses because believing in them would mean that my ancestors were some evil fucks and that someone/something else was cruel enough to make us responsible for paying for their acts.
Today is the day that my child told me he wants to know why God hates him.
Today is the day that my other child asked me Why and I had no answers to give.
Today is the day that our family is shattered because one more weight to carry was one too many.
Today is the day that, even though we all know we'll live through this because we've lived through hell before, we realize that we no longer care that we'll live through it. Because surviving hell repeatedly is not good enough anymore.
Today is the day that no amount of distractions can lift the burden off of us.
Today is the day that, with everything else, my most recent insecure ex-boyfriend decides he wants to add to our turmoil with more threats and harassment, simply because he knows that taking shots at us today is kicking us when we're already down and somehow he finds enjoyment in such.
Today is the day when I just want to be DONE.
So completely done.
I'm just going to become a hermit hippie chick and have hermit hippie children and say to hell with everything, everybody and life in general.
And if there is a higher power that is responsible for what you've put my children through, Fuck you!
And should that higher power be God, I'm done believing and doing all I can to please you when all you do is keep heaping hurt upon insult in our lives. Believing in you has gained nothing but cost much.
Digging this hole, alone....busting through hard clay rocks with only the help of children...... it somehow solidifies exactly where my family is in this world.....
ALONE
We have each other, the kids and I. And from now on that is ALL I'm believing in.
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