2nd Day in Bed

It is days like this that I wish I had someone to talk to that understands. Someone that realizes I have pushed and pushed my body far past what it could handle. Someone that understands I am taxed beyond all means and that just because I looked "OK" a few days ago, doesn't mean I really was. 

I want to be able to walk out the door, knowing that I can fall back on all the experience I have in the work force and get a job easily. I MISS a real, printed on paper paycheck every week. I MISS busting my tale at work and then coming home to being a single mother. I MISS having the bills paid every month and not having to worry about which ones are not getting paid. I MISS being able to care for my body on my own, showering, washing hair, etc. I MISS being able to keep my house clean and all the chores done. 

I MISS BEING NORMAL

I try so very hard to look forward and focus on what I can do. Yet, when I am stuck in bed......when I have to have help to make it into the bathroom.....when someone else has to make my plate and help clean up the mess when I drop my food all over me......these are the times I think about all that I used to be able to. The time when I was a single mother, working and going to college. When my house stayed so clean you could eat off my floors without fear of germs (OK, so I was/am OCD).

I have enrolled in college. The entire degree consists of online courses. Only one will be work intensive, with multiple assignments and labs due weekly. I spoke with the department head for over an hour. I didn't tell him about my health issues. I didn't tell him that I'm choosing this field because I need a job where I can work from home, in case I can't get out of bed. I didn't tell him that I'm choosing this field because I feel I can only work part-time, around my bodies needs, and I hope this field will pay enough that I can support my family with part time work. I didn't tell him that I am unsure how I'm going to manage college, health issues, and be a success. 

I hate being stuck in bed. Regardless of everyone telling me it does not constitute failure on my part, the time spent away from my children and the state of my home makes me feel otherwise. 

I won't give up. I'll keep putting one foot in front of the other, metaphorically of course. I'll keep believing that somehow it'll all work out. I'll keep striving to be able to find a way to support my children and have income to provide for their needs. 

Someone asked me how I could believe in God after  all I've been through. 

Truth is..... if I didn't believe in Him, I'd have ended it all long ago. 

Rainbow's End

My day yesterday was quite busy after service. I zipped from one place to another trying to get things taken care of. I then went to pick up my daughter who had gone home with a friend. While there it begin to rain, even as the sun shone brightly. As my husband stepped out the back door to go to the car, he told us to come look at the rainbow. I stood behind the house amazed at how bright it was. Never had I seen the colors so bright and beautiful and bold! My husband walked towards the car and as he walked around the end of the house he exclaimed, “I can see the end of the rainbow!” 

Having absolutely no idea what he meant (cause we all know you can’t see the end of a rainbow) I walked around the end of the house and stopped in amazement. There, in the field across the road, was the end of the rainbow. I can’t explain to you how beautiful this was. The end of the rainbow touched down in the field. The trees lining the field behind the rainbow were tinged with its colors.

What beauty!
What magnificence!
What art!

I called out to the children to run to the end of the rainbow. I wanted to know, if I stood in the midst of it, would I see the colors? 

We didn’t make it to the field before the rainbow began to move. Yes, it moved. I watched as the end of the rainbow retreated before us and moved through the forest. Again, I was amazed. Not only can you see the end of a rainbow, but you can also watch it move across the ground!!