FetLife

Fetlife helped me realize that I wasn't alone. That other people, like me, need non-typical experiences to enjoy sex.

Fetlife also taught me that I have serious trust issues.

Fetlife taught me that I am a control freak.

I haven't' exactly found my niche on FetLife. As in all of life, I appear not to "fit" anywhere.

So, here are my personal reflections:

Slave: Absolutely NOT. There are things I will not do, ever. I know those things stem from being sexually abused in the past. However, I'll never let go that much control.

Having a slave: A year ago, I was thinking along those lines. However, now I'm tapped out. I don't want to take care of other people anymore. I've been building self esteem, catering to others, caring for others for a long time. I know some will argue that is not the role in a master/slave relationship but I call bullshit. To have someone follow your every wish would be the sincerest form of devotion, something to be cherished and cared for beyond compare. One day I am certain I'll re-entertain this idea, but for the moment I have nothing left to give.

Sub: At this point, I want to be a sub in real  life, but not all the time in the bedroom. *sigh I have yet to hear anyone else say that. I want someone to pick my clothes, tell me how to fix my hair, tell me what to eat, tell me where to go, what to spend, what to do to take care of myself. I want someone to set out a schedule that takes all the worry and stress of day to day life AWAY. I want to be able to go to bed at night knowing everything is OK, that I didn't forget anything, and that I can just cease to think for a bit. However, in the bedroom, though I do love being the sub, I also like taking complete control and pleasing the man that I am with. I like to feel the explosive release they have when they've not been able to control it, and I can move in ways that entice strong currents through their body. I don't want to give that up. I don't want it all the time, but most assuredly won't give it up. At the same time, I enjoy it when both people want to be dominant at the same time (in a joking, fun way). Yes, in the bedroom I am very multi-faceted and do not want to change that. Of course, finding a man confident enough to handle that is rare.

Dom: Nah....no desire. Of course, I'm new to all the definitions and terms and maybe I'm viewing dom/sub and slave/master differently but although I could see myself potentially as master one day, not dom.

At one point in time I would have felt hopeless despair that I was so tired of the day to day stuff life entails. However, I have spoke with subs and slaves and their experiences have made me crave that even more. That total lack of decision making.

Could I trust someone so completely to turn over control of my every day life? Most likely not. Yet it is something I crave in the deepest parts of my soul.

I am so very tired.