Yet, you have not known happiness like this before. It was
CALM
CONTENTED
PEACEFUL
DIVINE
This feeling was out of your comfort zone. You screamed inside your own mind,
"GOOD THINGS DON'T HAPPEN TO ME"
You begin to fret and analyze. Why was he being so good to you? Why, despite all your flaws and wrongs and imperfections, WHY would he still want you?
He must be hiding something. There had to be some reason.
why why why why why why why why why why why Why Why Why Why WHy WHy WHy WHy WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY
"GOOD THINGS DON'T HAPPEN TO ME"
You were only going to end up hurt. He would never stay with you. Once he saw who you really were. Once he knew EVERYTHING. He would leave. He would not stay. You are unlovable. He will hurt you by the very act of his leaving. The longer you postpone the inevitable, the more it will hurt.
So, you push. You push him away and you push him away. Yet, he sees. He knows. Although you can not see it, he really does love you with all your beautiful imperfections and dysfunctions. He can taste your fear; it is tangible. He holds on because he believes in you. He clings to you, determined to show you that he isn't going anywhere. He holds tight to the dream that his love can heal your wounds, or at least allow the scabs to finally form and the blood flow to let up. He is convinced that you can never push him away.
Until that one moment. The moment he saw you going through motions that should have been reserved for him.
In that moment, all his dreams shattered.
You had given yourself away to someone that didn't see YOU.
You had ripped yourself so completely from his grasp despite his determination to hold on.
Now, he is gone. You are alone. In an attempt to punish yourself for your deeds you have alienated yourself from others. You lie awake at night, drowning in the darkness.
Your mind is struggling to justify your actions. Yet, deep down, where we hold our secrets chained and bound, you know.
You did this.
You destroyed it.
You knew he'd leave anyway, it was just a matter of time. Sooner is better than later.
STAND UP. ACCEPT RESPONSIBILITY. FACE YOUR FEARS. FIGHT YOUR FEARS.
WIN
You can not change the past. Horrible people took out their own fears, their anger, their twisted desires on you. They left you shattered, beaten and bruised for all time. You can not change the past. You will never be like every one else. You are shattered and held together with only the thinnest of glues. Yet, that glue is strong because in the midst of all your pain you learned how to love through the birth of your children. That love binds all wounds.
STAND UP. LOOK IN THE MIRROR. ADMIT TO YOURSELF WHAT YOU HAVE DONE
YOU pushed him away. YOU were scared. YOU hurt him. YOU attempted to shatter him so that he would finally understand YOU.
You can not fix the past.
STAND UP. LOOK IN THE MIRROR.
My dear child, gaze upon that mirror and LOVE WHAT YOU SEE.
Embrace all the pieces, the dysfunction, the terror, the pain, the heartache. Love it all for it is a part of you that can never be taken away. Love it for it gave you the ability to feel and exist on a deeper and more conscious plane than most. Embrace all of it and know that it is no longer tainted or impure because your love has transcended. Your love has cleansed you.
STAND UP. LOOK IN THE MIRROR. Tell yourself over and over again, day after day, repeatedly
I AM BEAUTIFUL
I AM LOVABLE
I AM WORTH LIVING FOR
I AM WORTH DYING FOR
I AM EVERYTHING THAT A MAN COULD EVER WANT
I AM ALIVE
I wish that I had shared with you my story. I wish that I had seen that you were that same girl. I wish that I could have spared you this. I wish that I could take away your pain. I wish that my love for you would have served as a buffer.
I AM SO VERY PROUD OF YOU.
I am proud of the woman you are. I am proud of the mother you are. I am proud of that girl standing before me now, the same girl I used to be.
Look inside my dear one.
Your beauty lies within. Those that surround you can see it.
It is now time for you to.
Dedicated to Sami
Dedicated to Sami
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