It seems the stars have aligned in such a way that many have struck up conversations in the last couple of days regarding masturbation. Some of these are due to my writings where I mentioned that by mid30s I had only had 3 orgasms. Others just seemed to be the cosmic powers that are influencing things!
So, I'll lay it out here.
I was a mother of two children before I had my first orgasm. We were on the living room floor, on a very very expensive rug (worth more than all my possessions). I was on top, riding to my heart's content. When it happened, I thought I had urinated. Which is what I told him. I was appalled that I had urinated on that rug! He quickly jumped up to grab something to wipe it up. While cleaning it up he asked, "Are you sure it was urine?" Dumbfounded I asked, "What else could it be?" He then asked if it could have just been an orgasm. When I told him I didn't know, that I had never had one nor had I ever pissed myself during sex, he looked at me incredulously. I told him he was the doctor, he should know which one it was. Once he regained his voice, he said, "Well, it looks as if I gave you your first orgasm". Throughout the next few days he asked me quite a bit of questions. I would have thought a doctor would know that some women don't have orgasms, but he seemed pretty shocked.
Many years ago, my rape therapist told me that it was all about trust. Once I found someone I trusted not to hurt me, I'd be able to relax enough to achieve orgasm. I laughed and asked her, "Well, I can't orgasm when I masturbate either. Does that mean I don't trust myself?" With a very serious gaze, she stared deep into my eyes and asked, "Well, do you?" (Wake Up Call)
The second and third time came a decade later. By the same person. By fingering on that wonderful Gspot. I am certain I could have had more, however my trust in him became corroded. He had been dishonest with me in an attempt to "spare your feelings". I discovered then that once trust is gone, I can no longer come anywhere close to orgasm.
Then, I met HIM. I can't count how many mind blowing, earth shattering, back to back, explosive, saturating, call for Noah we're gonna drown, orgasms HE has given me. All with fingering that exquisite spot. Never had he failed to bring me to that lovely place where all else is forgotten and my body floats in an ethereal cloud of tranquility.
Most recently, I did achieve orgasm once by a different mean. It was purely with clit stimulation. It was not anything like the orgasms achieved previously. This was a very laid back, mild, go with the flow type of orgasm. It was nice, and I wouldn't mind it on a regular basis either. I could never achieve it again, as trust was broken in that relationship also.
However, my body craves the other kind that HE has made sure I've become accustomed to.
So, there you have it. I have only found one man that can consistently make me cum. Do I trust him? Yes and No. Ironically enough, he's the ONLY man I've ever allowed to be rough with me. His bites have left bruises that lingered for weeks and that caused me to gasp if I turned the wrong way. His belt has left welts. His thrusts have left me bruised and sore for days. His grasp on my hair left my scalp tender and washing it painful. Yet, HE is the one man that I trust totally and completely not to hurt me. Yes, he's done things that sent me into a flashback (PTSD) before. Yet, he is also the one that held me, comforted me, and kept it from escalating. He'll never do the same thing again, until I come to him and ask that we ease into it. I trust him never to hurt me. In his own way, he wants to protect me. He wants to keep me from harm.
Whether I openly admit it or not, I know that I am his "good girl".
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