For as long as I can remember people have described me as "strong". Those that know my stories, that know my experiences, they tell me that they can't understand how I have come through it all. When people are in need, they come to me. When they need someone to talk to, they call me. When they need to run away from life and reset, they run to me. I am OK with that.
However, I am only human. I am imperfect. I can never be strong 100% of the time. Some people seem to believe that since I've been through so much, since my heart has broken a thousand times, since I've cried tears over monstrosities most people never think of......some people seem to take that to mean that I can suffer no setbacks. They find it inconceivable that any thing that happens now should faze me after I've survived so much.
There are those that, when they see me weaken and waver, they become frightened. They rely to much on others, myself included, and when those that they rely on falter they become frightened. They worry that if something seemingly miniscule n their mind could cause me to falter after all I've been through, then what will happen to them if something bad comes their way?
There are those that remain constant in my life, as long as I am perceived as strong. When the moment comes that I need a break, that I need someone to talk to, that I need to run away for a bit and reset......these people are not there. They will return once I am back up at attacking the world with all I have, but that is only when they are there.
Today, I was told that I wasn't making sense and that where I was equated to "drama". Although I felt I had clearly explained where I was, and why I was going through what I was going through, it appears it fell on deaf or non-understanding ears.
My life is so blessed. I have wonderful children that are doing better than I ever dreamed imaginable. I have a soon to be 16 year old that will be enrolling in college this fall. He has shown me that living with special needs does not keep you from your dreams. I have a gorgeous 13 year old that I couldn't survive a month without! I have a 7 year old that shows me every single day that one can always put forth more effort, even with special needs. I have another son as well, one that adopted me years ago. He also has special needs and he proves that despite ridicule or bullying, the human heart can still be open and giving without restraint.
I have a wonderful and supportive church family that always seems to know exactly what I need, when I need it. I wouldn't have made it through the last year without their faith and support. I have friends that love me at all times, through thick and thin and ugly.
My career is taking off with leaps and bounds. It has exceeded my own expectations. I am excelling in college and pushing through for several more degrees. I have met the most amazing people in my line of work and am excited to be entering such a rewarding field.
I have a lovely home that no one can take from me. It is nestled in the midst of what I am certain is the Garden of Eden. My children love it here and I live in the midst of serenity.
Yet, even with life being so wonderful, events can still come that knock the wind out of you. Even when these events are expected. My aunt passed away after her battle with cancer this past Wednesday. My aunt was buried at the same cemetery as my best friends little boy. Also in the same cemetery lies my grandmother. My grandmother and my aunt, the two women who always accepted me just as I was. The two women who loved me unconditionally. The two women who believed in me. The two women who are responsible for my strength. Lou lies at the top of the hill in the cemetery. Lou who took me in when I was a homeless and bewildered 16 year old child.
Also at my aunt's funeral, I was reacquainted with my cousin's son. My cousin and I did not have the pleasure of growing up together. Yet, when I started hanging out with him during my teen years, he and I bonded quickly. He was an old soul and our talks would sometimes last way into the night. He died in a car accident shortly after my own son was born, his son was still a toddler. Being able to see this small toddler grown into a smart, intelligent, accomplished basketball player....my heart is still soaring!
There were many that stopped me to tell me that my aunt had told them how I had hopped in the chair after her to get my head shaved. Her radiation was over, and her hair was falling out. She decided to get it buzzed close to the scalp, but for the first time ever I saw my aunt melancholy and sulky! I couldn't let her do it by herself. So we did it together. I knew that in that moment it brought her comfort. Yet, I had no idea that she had told so many others about it.
She and I spoke of her illness. What she wanted and didn't want. How she would sacrifice her wants to meet the needs of others. Where she would go, how she would go. What was acceptable and what wasn't. I had her back and even if I didn't agree, I'd support her 5,000 %. That's what she always did for me. She told me once that we all have to learn our own lessons, and all anyone else can do is to support us as we do.
My aunt's death shook me to the core. I didn't expect it to. I knew I would feel her loss greatly. I didn't realize how she had touched every single part of my life though. How much the wisdom she gave me had forever shaped who I was to become, who I am still becoming.
I haven't felt very strong the last few days. I haven't felt pulled together, focused, or driven. I've felt an emptiness and I have grieved. In the midst of it all, I most likely haven't "made sense". In the midst of it all, I most likely appear weak and maybe even a bit tragic. There are those that have disappeared, those that have made it clear they dislike me this way, and those that have placed me in a position to re-evaluate whether they need to be in my life.
Then there are those that have stood by my family and myself. There are friends that spread the word amongst themselves about my aunt's passing and have checked on our family regularly. There are those that have offered their ear, their shoulder, their arms. Those that call just to ask me if I need anything. These people are the ones that matter. These people are the ones that I will forever love and hold close. These are the ones that I call friend.
My aunt told me many years ago that when someone dies, God takes that life and puts it into someone else. While my aunt was passing away, my dear friend was having cancerous tumors removed from his brain. The surgery went better than expected and my friend has gained more time on his life. Time that wasn't supposed to have been given.
Dear Aunt, if you can hear me wherever you are, thank you. Thank you for loving me. Thank you for believing in me. Thank you for knowing that I could succeed even when I was certain I couldn't. And Aunt, thank you so much for telling me that when one life is taken, that life moves forward to another. I can't help but think that my friend now has your life, and with that he has gained more time.
I won't always be strong. I'll have my moments, my weeks, maybe even my months. Yet, when the grieving is over, I'm still me. I'll still be here. Will you?
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