2nd Day in Bed

It is days like this that I wish I had someone to talk to that understands. Someone that realizes I have pushed and pushed my body far past what it could handle. Someone that understands I am taxed beyond all means and that just because I looked "OK" a few days ago, doesn't mean I really was. 

I want to be able to walk out the door, knowing that I can fall back on all the experience I have in the work force and get a job easily. I MISS a real, printed on paper paycheck every week. I MISS busting my tale at work and then coming home to being a single mother. I MISS having the bills paid every month and not having to worry about which ones are not getting paid. I MISS being able to care for my body on my own, showering, washing hair, etc. I MISS being able to keep my house clean and all the chores done. 

I MISS BEING NORMAL

I try so very hard to look forward and focus on what I can do. Yet, when I am stuck in bed......when I have to have help to make it into the bathroom.....when someone else has to make my plate and help clean up the mess when I drop my food all over me......these are the times I think about all that I used to be able to. The time when I was a single mother, working and going to college. When my house stayed so clean you could eat off my floors without fear of germs (OK, so I was/am OCD).

I have enrolled in college. The entire degree consists of online courses. Only one will be work intensive, with multiple assignments and labs due weekly. I spoke with the department head for over an hour. I didn't tell him about my health issues. I didn't tell him that I'm choosing this field because I need a job where I can work from home, in case I can't get out of bed. I didn't tell him that I'm choosing this field because I feel I can only work part-time, around my bodies needs, and I hope this field will pay enough that I can support my family with part time work. I didn't tell him that I am unsure how I'm going to manage college, health issues, and be a success. 

I hate being stuck in bed. Regardless of everyone telling me it does not constitute failure on my part, the time spent away from my children and the state of my home makes me feel otherwise. 

I won't give up. I'll keep putting one foot in front of the other, metaphorically of course. I'll keep believing that somehow it'll all work out. I'll keep striving to be able to find a way to support my children and have income to provide for their needs. 

Someone asked me how I could believe in God after  all I've been through. 

Truth is..... if I didn't believe in Him, I'd have ended it all long ago.