I QUIT

Most of the time, you'll come to my blog and find, what I hope, is a small ray of sunshine. You might find information about fibro you didn't know thru useful links. You might find that there is someone else who knows exactly what you go thru and how it feels. Hopefully, you walk away comforted. This is one of the many ways I've come to learn to deal with my diseases.

Then, there will be days like today. Days when you come to my blog and I will tell you how I feel at this particular time. I day when I can't help but think, even if I know deep down it isn't true, that no one else knows the depths of despair that I feel at times.

This isn't an easy blog for me to post. It isn't the type of blog I ever thought I would post. But, if I've learned anything at all from my new fibromites and my new church family, it's that letting things out can be beneficial, comforting and healing. Yet, there's that part of me that's screaming..... "Whoa Whoa Whoa! What are you doing? Are you crazy? You know not to let people see this part of you. You know this makes you V U N E R A B L E !!!"

Yet, I started this blog with the intent to give people, both fibromites and those who know a fibromite, a realistic view of what dealing with chronic pain, fatigue, and mental fogginess is like. I've visited blogs where the fibromite (or other chronic pain sufferer) always posts bright cheerful posts, day after day, and never appear to have a bad day. They never lose hope, never get frustrated, and appear to be the "perfect" chronic pain sufferer. Well, I'm not buying that for one single minute.

So, what kind of day am I having? Well, I'm typing this from my electric wheelchair. Yeah, sure I'm grateful that at least I'm not confined to the bed. I'm grateful I have a home large enough now to maneuver the stupid clunk of metal and batteries. I'm grateful I can get around. Yet, I hate Hate HATE this stupid chair. I mean, it screams at me with this loud huge voice, "Ha ha, gotcha again!" I pass the mirror and feel like breaking it just so as not to see my broken body is this God forsaken chair. I feel like just screaming at the top of my lungs, but don't because I know that'll result in knotted muscles thru my jaws, neck, shoulders and send my pain level thru the roof and shooting into the farthest reaches of the universe.

My legs went on vacation. They'd been hurting for three days. Then, day before yesterday, from the knee down, they went on vacation. Suddenly instead of legs, I had two very large cooked spaghetti noodles. It wasn't like when your hand falls asleep and it feels heavy. Nope, my lower legs felt light as everything. I can't tell you the disgust I felt at moving them around and watching them flop around lifelessly. You can only imagine ........ well, actually if you haven't dealt with this, you can't imagine what it's like trying to sleep when you can't move your lower legs. But then again you probably don't know what it's like to wonder if you really hurt anything when you ran over your foot (that you can't move and can't feel at all) with your manual wheelchair. You know, the manual wheelchair you had your fiancée push you in because you were worried going to get the electric one would wake the 3 year old. The chair that you had to be pushed up to the toilet in and then had to have help getting on and off the toilet. Yeah, the chair that usually lets you know your going to feel humiliated and embarrassed at some point during the day.

My legs felt better yesterday when I woke. Better then they had in days actually. AND they were working better then they had in weeks! I knew to take it easy though and I thought I did. Apparently though, joining my fiancée and his mother for lunch (his birthday dinner) was too much because after only a couple minutes of standing thru the church's initial worship service, I felt my legs start to go out. I tried to "fake it" leaning against my fiancée and the row of chairs in front of me, but then suddenly he was holding me up completely and keeping me from falling to the floor. So, I sat down. I know that no one at my church looks down on me for having to take a seat during the worship service, but at the same time it was a blaring neon sign above my head flashing "ha ha ha fibro strikes again".

If you don't realize it yet, fibro is the biggest monster to have ever attacked me. That’s not a little thing. I’ve lost my virginity to rape. I faced beatings and rapes daily at the hands of the man who’d promised to cherish and honor me. I ran for my life down the road in the middle of the night carrying a 3 year old son and 3-month-old daughter. We survived, barely, and spent 3 months in battered women’s shelters before getting a place. I sat in the next room as my dear friend, unbeknownst to me, decided the hate from his own mother was enough reason for him to take his own life. I attended the funeral of my best friends little boy, who was brutally beaten, starved and abused by his step-mother before she finally gave the life ending blow. I have seen some of the darkest, vilest, most horrible things this world has to offer and I walked thru. Yet, even thru all this, fibro is by far the hardest, meanest, cruelest, most evil monster I have ever had to face. And on days like this I am sick and tired of this monster.

Where was I? Oh yeah, my legs (if you can call them that today). I left church last night in a wheelchair. Not my own because …..well, just because. When I got home my wheelchair was brought form the house so I could get inside. I didn’t sleep well last night. Kind of hard to do when you’ve got these dead weights attached to your body and have to reach down to move them by hand each time you want to reposition yourself. 

Today I woke and it all just hit. Due to the stress that has been inflicted upon me the last few months from others, my fibro has flared beyond belief. I’ve been toughing it out thru it, no choice really, and just kept moving forward. I’ve known that it was only a matter of time before parts of my body went on vacation. This has happened before and it was always when I was over stressed and pushed for to hard for to long. I just kept thinking….if I can just get thru “this”, then I’ll take a break. But then “this” would be done and “they” would create more trouble, resulting in another “this” to get taken care of. This has gone on since January! My body, instead of rebuilding and relaxing during the summer, instead of recouping from the pain and grossly limited mobility the winter inflicts had to deal with heaps and heaps of stress instead. This all has resulted in me being where I am now. Stuck in this stupid chair with parts of my body shutting down. And, I still have to go to court tomorrow, more stress. I KNOW it’ll get dismissed like the rest, but the preparation, time and energy put into preparing for the case has taken away so much of my life. I think all my spoons (refer to The Spoon Theory in right tab) are gone for the next 3 months!!! I’m so very tired.

Fibro is a monster that steps into your life and then takes you life. This monster takes everything from you. It takes your physical body and mangles it so that you are left with a husk that can only register pain, and does so in a totally whacked out pain. I have days where my children can not TOUCH me, much less hug or kiss me, because I can’t handle the pain. Today, my fingers feel like someone is cutting a gash against the top of each one as it strikes the corresponding key on the keyboard. The ceiling fan can’t be on today because the “comforting breeze” is actually razors scraping off my skin. I’ll probably be stuck in the same clothes I’m wearing today for the next few days cause their my frumpy fibro clothes I have to wear when my skin can’t tolerate anything else.

I’m dreading being stuck in the house. Since I can’t hold my head up very well, without enormous pain, I can’t use my manual chair. And with no way to transport my electric chair, it means I’ll be stuck at home for weeks. I don’t know how I’ll survive court tomorrow. I’m going to ask the bailiff to please hear our case first because after 30 minutes in my manual chair, I’ll be in to much pain to effectively present anything.

I guess it all boils down really to being tired. Tired of every little thing taking my energy. Tired of not being able to be the mother I want to be. Tired of having to have a messy house thru the cooler months. Tired of being cooped up inside. Tired of knowing this stupid monster is gonna reach up and grab hold of me at some point in time, no matter what I do.

Will I quit? No, I have three very very very important reasons to go on. I carried each of those reasons within my body for 9 months before I was able to meet them face to face. They’ve changed my life in a way that is indescribable and saved my life more times then I can count. I’ll keep waking up (since getting up may be out of the question) and show them a smile when I tell them I love them. They’ll remind me that even though sometimes they get mad that I’m sick and take it out on me, that they know it isn’t my fault and that they love me no matter what. I’ll look at their beautiful faces and know that they were, and always will be, God’s greatest gift to me.

So, yes, I’ll keep going. I’ll ask God to please let the feelings I have today to pass quickly. I prefer to be the one offering cheerfulness to others, the one that supports others, the one that holds it all together. I don’t like being the one in need. As yet, I haven’t reached the point where I have total acceptance of my diseases and the full limitations they inflict on me. I don’t think that’s a bad thing either. I remember when a psychologist with fibromyaligia told me, years ago, that my stating I would walk again was my living in a denial and I’d never be a complete person without accepting those limitations. Well, I didn’t accept them and after 2 years bedridden, I did walk again! You see, God knows exactly what my limitations are. He also knows exactly how he can use me for His will despite those limitations. My limitations change day to day. Today, I’m grossly and even, in my mind, disgustingly limited. But tomorrow is another day.

I want to take a moment to thank my beautiful children. You alone make each day worth living and I hope that you always know that. I know that sometimes, despite my best intentions, the pain of fibro pushes thru in the form of fangs, claws, pointed tail and pitchfork and I’m so sorry that you ever have to see me that way. Yet, you have been troopers. You’ve faced your own health issues and mine with a courage that I’ve never seen before. I not only love you guys, you are such a deep part of me that I know I was never whole before you each came into my life.

I also want to thank my fiancée. He opened his home to us when we had no where else to go. He had never made fun of my health issues, never told me he thought they were “all in my head” or “fake”, never encouraged me to “try harder”. He and I have our differences, and sometimes I wonder how I ended up with him as he does me, but life was so much more hard and lonely before he came along. Thank you my dear for all you’ve done.

I want to thank my fellow church members who have kept me in their prayers of late. I have the joy of seeing such wonderful scriptures posted on their various profiles and it seems they appear just as I need them. Also, I was supported today with their post of the following scripture.

“"I can do ALL things, through CHRIST, who strengthens me" Phillipians 4:13”

And last, but no where near least, I want to thank my new fibromite friends. This morning, I didn’t think I could make it thru the day. But they have left me the most amazing messages today. They have pulled together to catch me as I was falling and they are ever so gently lifting me up. I want to end this blog today with the beautiful messages they left me today. Because, without them, you wouldn’t have had the opportunity to read all this.

“Also, nobody expects or should expect everyone to be happy as a clam all the time. You are more than welcome to boohoo all you want.”

“I agree some days its just too much. You may feel like that”

“I am so sorry you are having a rough go at it today. You will be in my thoughts and prayers today. Please post later to let us know how you are doing. Hang in there. :-)”

“a good boohoo may not be just what the doctor ordered, but it sure helps us once in a while - so you go on ahead and let that boohoo out….! I'm really glad to see the words "want to quit" rather than "going to quit" - please, please, please keep it that way!”

“hang in there ….., hoping your day gets better.”

“Vent! Let it out! Get it off your chest! You can't be happy and upbeat all of the time-none of us can. We care about you and know what you're going through and are hear to listen anytime you need us. Please come here and know you are supported and loved……. just please don't try to hold it in. We are here to listen and help God hold you up when the going gets tough.”

“I hope you feel better, You are always here for the rest of us. We all get down, but remember we all care about you.”

“How can u be sad? You have wonderful kids, a loving husband to be, fb friends and your church. What you do not have time to be sad!!! I want you to look in mirror and smile no no Smile smile like you are 8 and just getting a new front tooth! Now isn't that better? :0)”

“always remember that you are a strong, inspiration to all of us that are suffering with you. You're blog and your comments are so meaningful to all of us. I will pray for peace for you today.”

“We are here for you Melissa rather its gloom and doom or uplifting. Rest today and gather your strength for tomorrow. I am still praying for you. Gentle hugs”

“don't give up sweetie pie, you are not alone! you have us. u must rest today and look hard for that beauty, you will find it, it is there! i promise. you have inspired me so much. just let this day be a grieving day and a bad day. it is ok to have a bad day and be down. we are here for you xo”