I have been fighting back tears for three days. I knew what was coming and I didn't want to face it. I had to go to the doctor because my physical pain has escalated to the point that I was not able to complete the day to day activities most take for granted. I had to determine which side effects I will choose to live with so that I can still function......somewhat.
Side effects so that I can function.
There are so many things wrong with that statement.
For me to be able to get out of bed, dress myself, feed myself, and hold the phone to my ear to speak (all things I've been struggling with the last three weeks), I have to choose which side effects I will live with.
*dry mouth
*decreased libido
*nausea
*vomiting
*anxiety
*tremors
*extreme sweating
*hot flashes
*constipation
*diarrhea
*mood swings
*headaches/migraines
*swelling
*difficulty sleeping
*weight loss
*weight gain
*loss of appetite
*increased appetite
*dizziness
*cough
*loss of strength
*difficulty urinating
*unusual drowsiness
*sore throat
*eye pain
*muscle aches
*loss of voice
*racing heartbeat
*pounding in ears
*back pain
*chest pain
*pins and needles feeling in extremities
*sneezing (this one may not sound bad till you realized we counted an average 400 sneezes in an 8 hour period, often with close to a hundred running back to back)
*painful urination
*swollen, tender prostate (well, don't have to worry about that one)
*groin pain
*tightness in chest
*teeth growing in unusual places (this happened in center of roof of mouth, though very rare)
*trouble concentrating
*cloudy urine
*loss of interest or pleasure
*depression
*irritability
*blurred vision
*clumsiness
*seeing double
*stabbing pain
*difficulty speaking
*dementia
*paranoia
*delusions
*confusion
*lack of coordination
*memory loss
*confusion
*trembling
Worst yet, I can't just go through and pick the side effects I'm willing to live with. Each medicine that MIGHT help me has it's own set that typically includes one of those "How will I live that way" side effects.
I'm tired.
Bone weary.
My body has held me captive for 13 years and there is no cure, no release, no freedom from pain. The only time I have not been acutely aware of my pain was when I was under anesthesia.
Tonight I swallowed a pill. Tonight I swallowed a second pill to counteract the severe nausea the first pill will cause me.
Tonight, I feel,
DEFEATED.
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