Dark versus Day

I could have never imagined the changes that would take place in just a matter of a couple of days, though it feels as if weeks have passed.

Dark hours: His

Daylight hours: Mine

During our first round of daylight hours, he CHANGED. Gone was the argumentative, stand offish man I'd been with for eight months. Gone was the man that would become mean when his emotions started to rise up within him. Gone was the man that never told me his feelings or thoughts. Gone was the man that kept himself always at a safe distance.

As the daylight hours faded, he told me that it was the first time in our relationship that he'd felt at peace. He said he felt happy.

Our first round of nightime hours started. I dutifully worked on folding and putting away the loads of clean laundry in our bedroom I'd gotten behind on as he instructed. He managed all the evening responsibilities and making it clear to me what my roles were, what I was to do. Although at first my mind would race with all the things that needed to be done (dinner, baths for kids, .... all the usual nighttime routines), I quickly realized that it wasn't what I had been told to do. I had been given very specific tasks to complete and I needed to focus on those. It was the first time I ever remember actually being able to turn off my brain and just focus on the task at hand. It felt so freeing.

After the kids were asleep, we both delve into the new "agreement" was had made. I thought that relinquising all control in the bedroom would be....

TERRIFYING.

Instead, it was so very....

GRATIFYING.

He had never revealed this other side of himself to me. Although I had hinted at my own fantasies and desires, he had never been told the full extent of them.

That night, despite the pain, the bruises, the scratches, the bites.... I was able to lie in his safe embrace, turn my brain off and fall right to sleep. Turning my brain off has always been impossible for me. However, I knew in that moment I was not required to think, to be in charge, to plan......all I needed to do was BE.

He told me in the morning that I had nightmares all night. We had discussed the possibility that our exploration in the bedroom may lead to flashbacks due to my PTSD. I believe the nightmares stemmed from these. Yet, even in the shroud of sleep, he was able to hold me, comfort me, and bring me back to the realm of safety with his voice. That also is something that has never happened before.

I felt so safe.

Yesterday was our second set of daylight hours. Transitioning from dark to light was a bit difficult. I realized that I didn't really want to "take charge". I didn't want to begin thinking, plan our day, decide what would and would not be done. Yet, I know that just as much as I crave relinquishing all control and how therapeutic that is for me, he needs the same.

His day consisted in his working for my friend (for free), packing the rest of his belongings and bringing them back home, admitting to others that he had relapsed (even after telling them he had not), and visiting his mother. Twice during the day he was argumentative, and three times he told me to do something. Although I understand that it is habit, and that even his telling me what to do (hand me those snipes) was not, in either of our minds, a direct command.....we have both decided that we will stick to the agreements we made. Discipline was administered upon arriving home. I must admit, sitting down to dinner with the children, knowing that he was willingly submitting to his discipline in another room, unbeknownst to anyone except myself................ it affected me on an emotional and mental level I do not think that anyone has ever touched before. It solidified that deep desire I have had for so long to care for him that I to have kept at bay.

On our way home, he spoke again of how easy this was for him. He said he felt like everything was the way it should be. He knew that he loved me and knew that I loved him. He was being true to himself.

I sat, looking across at the man I had spent 8 months with and realized that, although I saw through his walls that he'd built around him, I had no idea the depth of what lay behind those walls.

We are on a journey, and I am pleased.