No More Pain

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I am sooo very tired. Exhausted. All I want is to curl up and sleep. Yet, my monster screams “NOOOOO!!!” at the top of its lungs.

It started yesterday. My three year old was tired and cranky and asked me to pick him up. I held him for 5 minutes, no more. Within half an hour my lower back was severely hurting. I took a hot shower to try and ease the spasms and went to bed. It was very late and sleep did come. I woke this morning with sharp spasms and a deep-rooted pain in my back. Today was due to be a busy day. We had to go out of town to pick up our two older children (an hour drive), then to the wholesale club for grocery shopping (couldn’t be postponed any longer) and then back home (another hour). I KNEW I should utilize my wheelchair but then it seemed like it would be such a pain to get it loaded up and ready to go. So, off we went without it.

The shopping trip in the wholesale club is what did me in. There was no wheelchair sitting at the door waiting like the other times I visited. So, I had to walk it. I behaved. I didn’t even attempt to push the shopping cart but did hold on to it, and shelves, as I walked for support. Yet, by the time we hit the checkout lane, I was in tears. The pain was quite unbelievable. I didn’t have any medication with me and still had quite a ride ahead of me.

By the time I got home, all I wanted was to go to bed. But, groceries had to be put away and dinner prepared. We only had an hour before leaving for church and I knew that I’d have to provide some guidance. We headed out the door to go to church. Church is what gets me through my weeks. I wouldn’t care if I had to be wheeled in on a hospital bed in a hospital gown, I’d still make it to my weekly service. When there, I can feel God’s presence and know that He is always with me.  So, off to church we went. I made it through part of the service before having to head out to the foyer. There are very soft chairs in the foyer and thankfully there is a live feed to the flat panel television that hangs on the wall. I was still able to hear the service!

I left church feeling about the same as I did before I went. Not worse, which is good. I came home and after making sure the kids were all tucked in, I stood up to head to the shower. That’s when the spasms and pain really kicked in! Honestly, it felt like labor contractions. They stole my breath and held me in a vice grip. I made it to the shower, in the hopes that the steaming water would ease the spasms. Instead, I ended up having to have help getting out of the shower. I was dried off, dressed and put to bed. I laid there for quite some time. 

I am sooo tired. Exhausted! Yet, the pain in my back is keeping me wide-awake. I have put on three pain patches but don’t want to resort to the narcotics or muscle-relaxers. They increase the symptoms of my Fibro Fog and make it so difficult to remember things. Then, they seem to worsen my Periodic Limb Movement Disorder, which makes it almost counter productive to take them at night. I honestly can’t tell you if the benefits of narcotics and muscle-relaxers outweigh the side effects. Here lately though, the relief from pain has been so minimal that it’s not even worth it. Debating whether or not to take them put it past midnight. Now if I take them I’ll never make it up in the morning.

So, back and forth I go. Wondering if, even though I’ve had a partial hysterectomy, if there is any way I could be experiencing labor pains. Realizing that I would GLADLY take labor pains to this any day (and considering I had 9 ½ pound babies, this is no small statement). Wondering if I should just take the pain meds and pay the cost tomorrow in mental fogginess, exhaustion, and that achy all over feeling. Wondering exactly what would be the harm in using one extra pain patch (not that I’d do it). Wondering why, Why, WHY it has to hurt so bad? Wondering how a week ago tomorrow I managed to carry a child on my back in an emergency situation but today can’t even stand without help.

Tonight at church we sang a song that had they lyrics, “no more pain”. (I Will Rise) It’s not the first time we’ve sang it. Each time I hear it, when we get to that particular lyric, tears come to my eyes. No more pain. This, my God promises! He promises me a future with no more pain. NONE! Can you imagine? What would I do if I had no pain?

I would hug my children so tight, never wincing or grimacing. I would dance as if I’d never danced before. I would run through fields of flowers. I would swim in the ocean. I would hike the tallest mountain. I would tickle and wrestle my children just to hear their laughs and screams! I would sleep outside, on the earth, on a blanket of pine needles and moss to see the blanket of stars above me. I would run until my heart pounded, dance until my hair stuck to me, laugh until……..wait….laughing CAN’T hurt!!