Abuse

I thought for a second about what to title this blog....."abuse" or "sexual abuse" but then I realized, abuse is just that.....A B U S E. It doesn't matter if it was sexual, physical, emotional, spiritual, or mental. Because when it really comes down to it, it all results in the same dysfunction. 

I know that some of you cringed when you saw that word. You know, the "D" word. Yet, that is part of the cycle. We, as humans, were not created to be abused. We were not created to be beaten, cursed, yelled at, degraded, raped, dishonored, hit, slapped, choked. The result of these actions is dysfunction. Websters defines dysfunction as "abnormal or unhealthy interpersonal behavior or interaction within a group". Is it really a surprise that this is the result of abuse? 

When abused, a person, whether child or adult, learns that it is not safe to trust. It is not safe to give someone the benefit of the doubt. It is not safe to show your emotions. It is not safe to speak. When abused, your life becomes wrapped up in one single word.... SURVIVAL. Every moment of your life is filled with trying to figure out how to stop the abuse. What can you do different? Did you make it happen? Was it really your fault? 

As the abuse progresses and continues, you slowly start to short circuit. The stress is so much that you begin to have trouble doing the day to day necessities. Things as seemingly simple as washing a load of clothes, taking a shower, even getting out of bed in the morning now require so much effort. You have to strain to mentally focus. You don't understand and can't figure out what you are supposed to do. 

If the abuse still continues, you almost feel crazy. You can't seem to make your thoughts connect in a logical fashion. You've had to spend so much time bottling up your emotions and trying to protect yourself, that their are no resources left for anything else. 

If you're a survivor, then it means that you were able to escape the abuse. Yet, often, everything stops at that moment. For so long you fought to survive, that you are "stuck" in that mode. Worst yet, you don't even realize it. 

And so you go through life, always trying to protect yourself. You don't give anyone the benefit of the doubt and  you trust no one. You don't let anyone know this is what you are doing because revealing your thoughts and emotions is opening a door to abuse. You think that you have overcome your past. After all, you have a life. You may have a job, or a home, or children. You may volunteer at various charities, be an active participant in your church, or babysit the neighborhood children. On the outside, all seems well. But inside, your bottled up.

You continue through life all bottled up inside. 

Then, one day something happens. You may not know what it was. It could have been something someone said. It could have been a smell. It could have been a place you drove by. It could have been something you saw on television. Whatever it was, seen or unseen, known or unknown, it cracked the bottle. The bottle that held everything deep inside. 

Slowly but surely those emotions from the abuse comes back. It seems that they are overpowering. You can't breathe. You look around and all you see are menacing shadows. The fear envelops you so tightly that you suddenly know what a caterpillar in a cocoon feels like. Yet, you have no hopes of becoming a butterfly. You are slowly but surely suffocating. 

You start to see things in your life that you didn't realize before. You suddenly notice that you have some obsessive issues. You are always seeking to be in control of every single situation in your life. Your are obsessively organized yet horribly messy. No matter how much you seek to be in control, you always feel chaos. In the few moments of the day when everything is calm and peaceful, you feel uncomfortable and must stay busy. It's different for everyone, but it is all dysfunction. You frantically try to patch the crack in your bottle and shove all the emotions back in. You may even succeed. But the bottle has been irrevocably damaged. It is weakened and can no longer hold your emotions. They begin to leak out. Sometimes they slip out seemingly unnoticed. You may suddenly feel fear for no reason or suddenly jump at shadows. They may pour out in an avalanche, leaving everyone around you stunned and confused. They may pour out of you unconsciously, you seeming to wake only to find you never were asleep. 

Suddenly, once again, you feel as you did during the abuse. Out of control. Fearful. Focusing on your survival. 

You slowly realize that by bottling up your emotions, you've limited yourself in life. You realize that you can't just bottle up the negative emotions without bottling up the positive. You can't love when you're emotions are bottled up. You realize that you haven't been giving the love to those in your life as you should, whether it's your spouse, your children, or others. 

Worst yet, you realize you don't know how to love. Not really, not unconditionally and fully. 

If you went through therapy and support groups, you discover that they aided in your dysfunction. Yes, they helped you to become independent and to avoid your abuser. They taught you to notice the "red flags" and keep yourself from ending up in a similar situation (if you were one of the lucky few). But, most importantly they taught you things like, "The first time you see a red flag, run away". They taught you, "If you feel like you shouldn't trust someone, trust your instinct." Or maybe they said, " Make sure you are 100 percent sure of someone before you begin a relationship." 

Yet, somehow, this didn't work. You've gone through years "protecting" yourself only to learn that by doing so you weren't living. You were surviving still. You don't want to survive any longer. You're tired. You want to LIVE!!! 

But, you don't know how to love. What is life without love? 

So, you try. And you try. And you try. And you fail. And you fail. And you fail. 

No matter how hard you try, how much you cry, you can't really love. You can't trust. 

What is missing?? Why is it not working?? 

Then, one day it comes to you. You can't love because you haven't received love. At the point in your life that you were learning to trust and receive love, someone betrayed that trust. Others may have loved you since then, but you weren't opened to receive it. So, you start trying to figure it out....how do you receive love? 

You try to open yourself up to receive love, but you're emotions and fears are so jumbled up inside that it's all one big mess. How do you receive love when you're so terrified of being hurt, betrayed, lost? 

Then, in somehow, someway, you hear about God's love. You hear that God's love is unconditional. Not only does it NOT matter what you've done, it also does NOT matter what's been done to you. God loves you just as you are. You hear that God sent His Son to die for you because He loves you so much.  You don't really understand this, but to think that someone loves you that much fills you with hope. HOPE, something you've not had in so long. You hear that Jesus' sacrifice cleanses you of your sins. You are pure and forgiven. You are cleansed of all the filth that was heaped upon you during the years of abuse. It's as if God wears rose colored glasses. He sees you, not in light of all your sins and the sins that have been shoveled upon you...........instead he sees you through the blood of Christ. That blood that cleanses you. He sees you with Jesus as a filter! He sees the real you, the one who is whole and pure and untouched by the evils of this world. 

BUT, you're scared. You open your heart to God tentatively. Trust is still hard for you. You don't even know how to trust. So, slowly you open up to Him. You start to talk to Him.  You start to read His word. You find scriptures such as Psalms 36:5 that says, "You're love O Lord, reaches to the heavens". You read "How priceless is your unfailing love. Both high and low among men find refuge in the shadow of your wings." (Psalms 36:7) You find out that God has plans to "prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future". 

Yet, suddenly something happens. Something in you life attacks you. It could be any number of things. You could be evicted, you could lose your job, someone you care about could cause you hurt, your bills could exceed your income, your car could break down, your spouse could say they want a divorce. Whatever it is that happens, you feel betrayed. You feel like you opened your heart to God, you trusted Him, and he is betraying you. You start shoveling those emotions back into their familiar bottle. Yet, this time they won't fit. They won't fit because you started to receive God's love and his love is so fulfilling that it just doesn't fit in a bottle. 

You start to realize that you are doing to God what was done to you in the years of abuse. You are withholding your heart from him if things aren't exactly as they should be. You are giving conditional love and think He's doing the same. 

Then, you realize how much you want to live instead of just survive. So, you open back up to God. You realize that it's easy to love during the good but that true love exists in the midst of the bad. You are beginning to learn how to trust. 

Learning to love and learning to trust won't come easily. There will be days that your emotions will seem to overpower you. There will be days where you are sure that your emotions are so strong that they are going to kill you. You will want to run, to seek the familiar, to go to where you think it's safe. 

Yet, you'll know, deep down inside, where the empty space is that used to contain your bottle, that you are just starting to live. You will know, in that same spot, that as you begin to receive God's love, that you'll finally be able to give it to others. You'll know that those you care about will finally receive the love that you've always wanted to give them and been unable to. 

You will become whole. Life will be good. You will be happy. 

This is dedicated to my dear friend who has taken the first steps towards healing. I am proud of you. I know the path you are on and I know it is not an easy one. There is only one thing you really need to know, and that is GOD IS ALWAYS THERE WITH YOU. Your fears and doubts and dysfunction will tell you otherwise at times, but He is always there. I love you, I support you, and I am so proud of you. You already know that you aren't strong enough to get through all of this alone. That is why God will support you and even carry you when you need it. 

My prayer for you through this is one familiar to many. It's applied usually to more common addictions such as alcohol or drugs. Yet, as you progress on this path, you'll realize that many of your (our) dysfunctions act as addictions. As calm and peace enter your life, you'll realize that it makes you uncomfortable and that you crave chaos. You may even find yourself creating the chaos! And so, the prayer below applies here as well. 

"God grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change;
courage to change the things I can;
and wisdom to know the difference.

Living one day at a time; 
Enjoying one moment at a time; 
Accepting hardships as the pathway to peace; 
Taking, as He did, this sinful world
as it is, not as I would have it; 
Trusting that He will make all things right
if I surrender to His Will;
That I may be reasonably happy in this life 
and supremely happy with Him
Forever in the next.
Amen."  (Reinhold Niebuhr)

Also, remember:  Proverbs 3:5-6

"Trust in the LORD with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge him,  and he will make your paths straight."

((((((((((((((((((hugs)))))))))))))))))))))))))))

Wake to tomorrow, knowing that you are no longer a survivor..............you, my dear friend, are beginning to LIVE!