After weeks of battling disabling pain, fatigue, headaches, nausea and more, I had started to feel better. My husband and I spent two nights away at a cottage where I slept the majority of the time. Feeling more refreshed then the preceding weeks, I decided to follow up the mini-vacation with a trip to Biltmore Estates. Overall, I accomplished more in one day then I'd been able to do in months. I alternated between my hip locking on me, and the pain in my head causing me to take many more breaks then I expected. I spent the majority of the time sprawled out in the grass on the estate as my five year old ran, flipped, and climbed walls (literally). When we stopped for dinner on the way home, I told my husband that I was in immense pain, but that it felt good to know the pain was a result of having done something. I told him that if I was going to hurt, I'd rather it be from accomplishing something rather then from laying around in bed.
The next morning I woke determined to push myself harder then ever before. If I could hang with Biltmore, then I could at least catch up on some housework and start packing for our upcoming move. I tackled the kitchen. I pushed through the pain, the fatigue and the headache. I swept behind appliances, boxed up items to give away, and bleached everything that could be bleached. I even managed to drive a short distance down the road (although the pain almost prevented me from making it back home).
I went to sleep last night thinking of how much I could get accomplished this week if I kept up at the same pace. I thought about how I'd always let the fatigue and pain stop me, but this time would be different. I allowed myself to dream of all the fun things I'd be able to do with the children with my new found strength and vigor. Dreams of hiking trips, fishing adventures, and field trips filled my mind as I feel into the embraces of sleep.
Then, today came. I woke with a fatigue so severe I couldn't get out of bed. After a few more hours of sleep, I managed to make it to the couch where I gave the older two children their daily chore and schoolwork assignments. I checked a couple emails and messages, and went back to the couch. The fatigue and pain today has been unbearable. At noon I went to lie down with my youngest during his nap/rest time. I slept for two hours only to wake feeling more fatigued and in pain then when I first laid down. I dragged myself to the couch and gazed upon the chores that I had dreamed of accomplishing today. I begin to berate myself for once again having gotten my hopes up.
Don't I know that each time I dream of accomplishing "normal" things, I am deeply disappointed? Haven't I learned yet that the unbearable pain and fatigue always come back and stop me? How did I not know that if I "over-did" it, I'd pay for it? Why did I think this time would be different?
Rather then sit and bemoan my misfortune, I decided to blog. To get it all out in print and release the despair I feel at this moment.
I had a physician tell me long ago that I was living in denial. That I was not accepting the limitations of my physical body and that until I did, I would remain unhappy and unable to feel contentment. She told me that I needed to quit thinking about the things I had done and enjoyed before, and find the "new me". How ironic that the things she tells me I am refusing to accept, are the same types of things that I feel makes my child so unique and special.
So, here I am today. Once again let down from having allowed myself to dream of a "normal" life. Yet, I find comfort in the fact that I don't have to completely accept the "new me". I know that God has promised to one day "wipe every tear from their eyes. There will be no more death or mourning or crying or pain." I think of the lyrics to one of my favorite songs where Chris Tomlin sings, "I will rise, when He calls my name, no more sorrow, no more pain." I know that God will strengthen me to accomplish His will today, no more and no less. I know that God "gives strength to the weary and increases the power to the weak......those who hope in the Lord will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint."
While visiting the cottage on my husband's and my mini-vacation, I saw a quote in a book. It was a quote that I used to have posted in my bedroom as a child, in my locker at school, and in my cubicle at work. It merely stated, "Life is 10% how you make it, and 90% how you take it."
My broken body today is out of my control. I can only do so much.....eating healthy, getting enough sleep, taking vitamins, stretching, etc.....the rest is out of my control. Yet, there is One who is in control and who provides me with all I need. I tend to lose sight of all God has given me and dwell on what it appears I have lost in my life. Yet, I have so much to be thankful and grateful for. God continues to bless me each and every day. Today I am even thankful that my pain and fatigue has caused me to stop and realign my thinking once more towards my heavenly Father.
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