I heard a song. It reminded me of you. It's called Stronger (What Doesn't Kill You). It's by Kelly Clarkson. I didn't even like her when I first heard her music. Funny how time changes things.
I saw a post on FB. It said, "You discover your real emotional strength when someone you love turns their back on you". I thought of you. Yet, I disagree with this statement. When you walked out on me and turned your back on me, I had no strength left. I was shattered. I couldn't put the pieces back together, nor could I move past the pain. I didn't discover my "real emotional strength". I discovered I had no strength at all. I knew I couldn't do it. I cried out to God. I pleaded with Him. I spent night after night up late, crying in my bathroom so our children would't hear. Sleepless nights, a pain in the center of my core, and seeing my dreams broken and lying around me. That's where I was.
God heard my cries. He was moved and showed compassion to me. Had I listened to Him all along, I might not know this pain. Yet, despite my being in pain due to my own disobedience, He still reached out to comfort Me. He has provided for our family in spite of the mess you left us in. He has shown Himself to us at every turn. He has shown that nothing is greater then He is.
He's teaching me that His plans are greater then my dreams. I'm not sure what His plans are. Letting go of my dreams is very very difficult. It leaves a gaping hole, a hole that you used to fill. Yet, I know that "in Christ all things are possible". I keep the candle holder you gave me that says that very thing on the sink in my bathroom, so that I'll see it throughout the day.
I also keep the plaque you gave me there. The one that said you knew that God had sent me to you. It reminds me that I had no control over your choices and decisions. That you loved me at one point in time. That you aren't running from myself and the children, but rather from all the demons you have yet to face from your own past.
Each day gets a little bit easier. There isn't a day that I don't think about you, but I do have days now without tears.
Someone asked why I didn't hate you. It's simply because I know where you are. I remember running from emotions, memories, and pain I didn't want to feel. I remember drowning them in alcohol and drugs. I remember those I hurt. Becoming a mother was enough to keep me from ever walking that path again. And though I would have hoped that becoming a husband and father would have been enough to keep you from that path, I can only pray now that you reclaim the life God has for you.
Today I took the kids and a friend to the ice cream shop. The one you and I would go to on our date nights. It was actually nice. Symbolic even. The first place I've gone to that you and I had visited on a date.
Things are getting a little bit easier each and every day. And to use Steven Curtis Chapman's words, though "the valleys are deeper and the mountains are steeper than I ever would've dreamed", I know that "when we can't take another step, the Father will pick us up and carry us in His arms".
I pray one day you know the same.
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