Saving Others, but not myself

I'm finding that, for the sake of anonymity, there are some things I can't post here. Things that can link me to my outside, public life.

Also, even though there is anonymity here, I am discovering that I still feel that constriction in my chest when I think about sharing some things.

Yet, I made a decision. I want them out. All the jumbled, chaotic, contradicting thoughts and feelings in my mind, heart and soul. I want to be free of them.

So, I will continue to write them here. To scream them from the rooftops if need be, while most assuredly cloaked in anonymity.

Below are excerpts from a conversation I had with another.

I have suffered much in my life..... child molestation, child abuse, rape, domestic violence (very severe) and a continuation of one negative relationship after another (typically with me adopting a Savior complex).

I realized about 3 years ago that although I had convinced myself that I had forgiven those that wronged me, I had not. Instead, I was continuing to let people commit the same wrongs against me, often even by the same people. I knew that by not forgiving, they held power over me. Yet, I didn't know how to forgive in any other way.

Through several months I realized that, although I said I forgave the person, I had no respect or true love for them. How could I have so deeply loved someone at one point in time, only to now have no respect and no love for them? How could I still love and show respect to others who had done similar wrongs that they were genuinely remorseful for, just not to me?

I also started to notice that I was stereotyping people based on my own experiences. He had long hair, tattoos, and a mischievous grin.... I bet he beats and rapes his wife. Those type of generalizations.

So, I set out to show every single person that I meet respect, love and if needed forgiveness. In doing so, I discovered that I started to feel that way about everyone, even those that had harmed me in the past. It doesn't mean I'll allow them back into my life, but I have been freed from the control that was still exerted over my emotions when it came to them.

Up until divorce court yesterday though, I had not had the opportunity to determine how effective this was. Yet, yesterday, facing the former husband that abandoned our family years ago for a life of drugs with his mistress (seems to be a pattern I'm stuck in), I felt no heartache. I only felt relief, freedom, beauty.

For many, many years I've had people tell me that I need to quit helping others. That I need to quit caring so much. Yet, for every 100 people that tell me that, there is one that comes to me and tells me that my being there for them did make a difference.

I do not have it in me to quit helping others. I have walked in many shoes and I do tend to help those I perceive as walking in those same shoes. How do I determine if someone is genuinely in need or just looking for the next person to take advantage of? I do not know. In all reality, as long as I put boundaries in place to prevent our family from being hurt, then I don't think it matters.

It's like the people that will criticize you for giving money to a homeless person, or a person holding a "will work for food" sign. I have heard the arguments of others stating that the person may use it for drugs or alcohol. I've heard it said that if a person is asking for money, you should only buy them a meal. If they are really broke they'll welcome a meal and won't begrudge it. I've heard so much. Yet, I remember sitting in a diner with my two very young children. I had not eaten in three days and was breastfeeding my  youngest child. I had spent the last of my change to get my eldest child some food. A woman offered to buy me a meal, and instead I asked her if she would give me the few dollars instead. She looked disgusted, shook her head, and walked away. I was already humiliated that someone could see how hungry I was and offer to buy me food. I had to release all pride to ask for the money instead. To have her look so disgusted with me and walk away....... yet I still had to figure out how to get money. My youngest needed diapers.

I have walked in many shoes through my life. I have continued to reach out to help others through my life. I give and give and though I have not admitted this before, I think that I give so much of myself because I want just one person not to end up feeling the way that I do. I want just one person not to have to go through all that I've gone through.

I tell them all the right things. Steps to take to ensure their own mental well being. How to build themselves back up emotionally. What they need to do to prevent themselves from getting into another bad situation.

I know all the steps.

I've taken all the steps.

I've seen it work for others.

Somehow though, through all the years, I still feel so very empty.

And lost.

I feel empty and lost.