Last Night

As darkness came, our roles reversed and I breathed a sigh of relief. My workday was over. I could just BE. I followed his directions, which each task suddenly becoming sensual. Making him a glass of ice water, setting up his new account, even my taking a shower......each task that he gave to me was, somehow, a labor of love. Instead of monotonous responsibilities that I had burned out on years ago, I sought to please him. I wanted to do my best in each. I was so upset and frustrated when halfway through my shower, in which I had been directed to shave in a very specific manner, the hot water ran out (joy of having teens in the house). I stayed in the shower as long as I could, but due to my health restrictions, cold water can cripple me. When he realized the hot water had run out and that I was attempting to finish anyway, he firmly told me that I was to discontinue. However, I WANTED to finish. I felt COMPELLED to do as I had been told. I could tell that he did not want to inflict my muscles with pain due to the cold water, but I felt such great disappointment in being unable to complete the task at hand. 

After all children were successfully enshrouded in dreamland, our "night" began. I have never, in my entire life, even fantasized that lovemaking could be so good.  I honestly do not believe, after what I experienced last night, that I have ever been a recipient of love making. Every thing in the past seems so hollow and empty. 

At one point, a specific combination of our activities brought back that long suppressed fear. Quite frankly, PTSD is a bitch. I do not care to explain in detail what this means, just Google "flashbacks PTSD" for a description. For my fellow sufferers out there, I know that you will understand and know that all of you are often in my thoughts. We stand together and in that alone we have strength. 

He caught my flashback a split second before I did. He halted everything and went straight to protecting me, nurturing me, letting me know I was safe. He pulled me back before I lost myself and I clung to his voice as a life preserver. Yet, it confused me. I knew the voice I was hearing was safety. Yet, I didn't recognize the voice. As I became aware of my surroundings and collected myself, I realized that it was him. Yet, I had never known him to sound that way, to be that way. What had so drastically changed? 

We were able to resume our activities. I longed to do as he desired, his wish my every command. I have never imagined that my body could feel so good. His grip around my neck, allowing my movements while riding him to determine the strength of his grip..... pure bliss. 

Almost a decade ago, a dear friend of mine told me that she thought she was going to marry the man she had started dating. Knowing that she had sworn off marriage after having remarried her ex-husband and it failing, I was stunned. I looked at her incredulously and asked, "Why?". My sweet, innocent, docile, delicate friend looked at me with hooded eyes and stated, "Because, he choked me and I had the most breathtaking orgasm I have ever experienced."

"HE CHOKED YOU????" I couldn't keep the shock out of my voice. Why the hell would she let some asshole choke her? 

She patiently explained that she had allowed it, that she had even wanted it. That she had wanted it for  a long time but had never been with a man that would do it. Actually, she said she'd never been with anyone "man enough" to do it. I was dumbfounded and convinced she'd lost her mind. 

Let me admit my wrong now and state that she was absolutely spot on! There is no better orgasm than that one that comes with the lack of total control when his hands are around your neck and your are torn between the pleasure and the pain. It is the first time that I have had an orgasm and my mind has been stilled. 

We've realized that we need to invest in a waterproof mattress cover. 

After our escapades, I felt a little "out of it". He was holding me, caressing me, caring for me, loving me. Having never craved choking to the extent that I now do, and certainly having never had it done to me (barring abuse many years before), I had not anticipated the lingering effects of such. The lightheaded that also feels like a tightness in your head, the feeling that your eyes are bigger than usual, the surreal feeling. He told me that we will research this, make sure that we put safety first, and that for future reference we will research anything we want to try before doing so. Knowing that he was concerned for me, even as he assured me that I would feel fine in a few minutes (and I did) was of no small consequence. 

He whispered in my ear, "I love you". 

Previously, he had only told me that twice where I sensed emotion behind it. The other declarations were perfunctory, made out of his sense that he was required to say it, even if he wasnt' particularly feeling it at the time. This time though I heard it in his voice....that same voice I'd heard earlier in the night that I thought was not his. 

As he turned me around to look at him, he even looked like a totally different person. I told him that instead of looking like his cold and calculating grandfather, he now looked like his supportive, caring, loving uncle. He looked different. Sounded different. Felt different. 

Although in awe at the changes I saw, I knew one thing without hesitation. 

I had finally, after all the years of wandering, found home.