Defeat

In the conversation with my long lost best friend the other night, he made a statement that was, for me, an enlightening moment. We were discussing relationships and he said,

"Yeah well, you never did like to accept defeat."

He then continued to express how, regardless of what I was approaching, I would continue to fight for it and try regardless of all else, refusing to accept defeat even when it was in my best interest. 

As he spoke my mind begin whirring. Refusing to accept defeat? That is accurate! What issues stem from that? 

I've had a couple of days to think about it and I've realized, this thought pattern of mine must change! I'm still not certain if it goes along with my warped perceptions of seeking validation from others or if there are other factors. Yet, I can see where time and again this has served me ill. 

My relationships seem to be characterized by my accepting mistreatment and fighting to repair the damage done as a result. I always seem to fight for both of us, until I finally realize that it is hopeless as the other party will never invest as much into the relationship as I am willing to do. 

(instant revelation)..... Growing up, I was never good enough. I was always told though, "If you'd just do what I say", "If you'd just do it right the first time", "Why can't you ever do anything right?". I spent my childhood striving diligently after approval that I was NEVER going to gain. I honestly believed that if I could just be perfect enough, I would be loved and everything would be OK. 

It appears I never outgrew that. 

So, in relationships, despite the initial warnings, I second guess myself, devalue myself, and decide to succeed. 

I refuse to accept defeat until I have invested every ounce of myself that I can, and then some. I refuse to accept defeat until I am beaten down and unable to try anymore. 

Yet, one of my greatest assets is that when I recognize an area I need to change, I am motivated to do so. 

I recently became thoroughly interested in a man that is unlike no other in many ways. However, it quickly became apparent that he was not at all the man I thought he was. Rather, the man that I perceived him as is buried so deep behind all his protective walls, barriers and chains that I am not allowed to connect to that man. The facade that he presents is not at all what I long for. Knowing that I have seen the man underneath, there is that nurturing part of me that wants to cling to him and draw that out. Yet, his fear is palpable. When I probe beneath the walls, I can taste his fear as a thick substance that clings to my nostrils and throat. He is resistant to growth, choosing instead to remain lonely even when standing in the midst of those that use him to cater to their whims and fancies. 

Typically, I would weigh the pros and cons of this relationship and, refusing to admit defeat, develop my "battle plan" (though I've never thought of it that way before). 

Yet, with the revelation of what my best friend of long ago told me, I realize that I need to expand out of the confines I"ve caged myself in. I need to grow. I need to move past and forward. 

I need to accept defeat in the relationship I wanted to develop. 

With that knowledge I sent him the following message: 

"I think that, more than likely, I'm accustomed to feeling more like a priority instead of an after thought in relationships. I can't say I'm particularly keen on the idea of knowing that, since we won't see each other tomorrow, it could very well be over 20 days before I get to see you without children again. Defeats the purpose of 4 weeks of monogamy when I'm not going to have the opportunity to enjoy it. I am a Scorpio and whereas I can remain celibate and exist quite well, I do not do well when I am stimulated constantly without being able to follow through on it. I'm not capable of that. It's an either/or with me. I am either celibate or my needs are met. I do a damn good job of making sure my man's needs are met above and beyond (though it does take me a bit to warm up). Your detachment and seeming lack of interest is deflating to me. At a time when I would enjoy being built up by a man supposedly interested in me, I feel instead that ..... well, that's just not happening. Either way, I'm not putting much more thought into it. I have many responsibilities over the next week that I must focus on. I had hoped for a nice reprieve from life in the form of pure fun with you, but did not realize that our seeing each other, apart from when you desired to participate in a hobby that brought you to this area, was dependent on my coming to see you. It is what it is. I'd ask for your feedback, but you don't seem keen on providing that to me when I attempt to discuss things. Yes, I do not like to feel like a burden, an annoyance, or an afterthought. Quite frankly, I am worth so much more than that." There is that part of me that wants him to stand up, realize that throwing away our potential for relationship was quite ignorant on his part, and fight to regain his grasp on it. I am only human after all. His mind captivated me. His thoughts, his emotions, his knowledge, even the quirks of his personality intrigued me and called out to the most primal of my being in  way I have not known before. I longed t be immersed in a period of growth with him that had the potential to transcend all previously known periods of growth.  Yet, for all his intellect, he either can not see the potential he and I had for magnificent things, or his fear prevents him from grasping hold of it.  Ultimately though, I am admitting defeat. I am accepting defeat. I will no longer fight a battle for a dream that can not be captured or driven to fruition.  At some point in time, I will find my warrior that longs to be immersed in my presence, as I in his. We shall stand side by side, hand in hand, and slay the demons that seek to destroy us. We shall face the hounds of hell knowing that together we can conquer any and all. We will be a united front. Their shall be no worries of refusing to accept defeat as we will be focused on conquering all fears outside of ourselves, knowing that only in full relinquish of fear can bonding and self growth occur.  "There exists in this world one that can harm you in the worst way imaginable. This one can rip you asunder yet keep you alive to suffer the pain. This one can drag you through the depths of hell and tease you with the drip of water dangling from it's fingertips. This one can reach into the depths of your soul and sink it's jagged nails into your innermost emotions, creating wretched crevices that rain down blood. His name is FEAR. Only you can allow him power over you."