A New Journey

I have been asked why I have not written of late. Simply put, for years I have used writing as an outlet when my life was conflicted with turmoil.

Is that not obvious?

I started this blog during a time when I had lost sight of myself. I had lost sight of what I wanted in life. I had lost sight of who I am. I had once again gotten wrapped up in everyone else's ideas of what I should and should not do. I grasped hold of a "perfect picture" of myself in my mind and was killing myself trying to be that.

Sometimes, even I forget that I'm perfect just as I am today.

So, I walked away. I walked away from the ex boyfriends that I somehow felt I had to stay in touch with to prove my own value. I walked away from the people in my life that wanted to tell me what I should, or should not be, doing. I walked away from almost everyone.

I barricaded myself in my home and focused on what was important....... finding myself and reconnecting with my children.

I screwed my head back on straight, looked around, and realized how much I love being ALIVE. More importantly, I remembered that I wanted to LIVE.

I suddenly remembered the peace that comes with total acceptance of oneself. I started to eat better and get outside more. I started to get in touch with people I'd lost touch with and remember who my closest friends were.

I became ME again.

I took a full assessment of myself and realized that, even though I had lapsed back into destructive habits from a life long past, it did not define who I am today. Just as the times I've fallen off the wagon with alcohol, I could pick myself up and look forward. I decided I was not going to beat myself up thinking about the bad decisions I had made of late, nor try to "fix" what I felt I had done wrong.

I had made decisions and choices. That path was already traveled. It led me to today and now I needed to look forward.

I let go of the "baggage" and reminded myself of the reasons I love myself.

In the instant I was able to fully grasp and encompass my self love, everything fell into place. Contentment shrouded me in it's embrace. Empathy beamed from within me. Compassion's notes and chords played through my heart. Happiness shown from my eyes. Kindness streamed from my smile. My energy became a myriad of colors and energies that filtered through to others.

Life had become fabulous in the midst of chaos, simply because I had chosen for that to be.

I was perfectly happy to continue on the journey I had started out upon..... new career, caring for my children alone, and making ends meet.

Yet, one thing I knew beyond a shadow of a doubt. I was still BONE WEARY. For so very long I have been doing it all on my own. Raising kids, paying bills, household repairs, automotive repairs, managing health issues for my family, and more. I have been on my own since I was 16 and have always been the one to have the full responsibility of making all the decisions.

I am capable. I have done it and would continue. There were no other options.

However, when we have finished one journey, another must begin. I had just wrapped up a journey of immense growth (realizing I could not be a Savior to someone else, walking away from weights of my past) and had taken a brief respite from those labors. Now, it was time to begin a new journey.

This new journey came, as most do, unexpected. In all reality, I want to run from it. Yet, I've learned the hard way that running from a journey only means that you will wander lost for years before life brings you directly back to the very path you ran from. So, I am facing it and, though terrified, am excited at the prospect of growing.

My mind, heart and soul is expanding to encompass an entirely alien and foreign world. I am learning. I am growing.

Despite what heartache or pain could come, or even will come, I stand to learn much through this journey and shall not shirk from it. For, not only am I alive..... but I am living!