Changes

Today started as every day does with me. I open my eyes and am instantly bombarded with the pain throughout my body. Then, I feel exactly how exhausted I am from the lack of sleep I've gotten through the night. I feel a sense of dread knowing that as soon as I move, a thousand, brilliant flashes of pain will flash through parts of my body I never even noticed I had before I got "sick".

Yet, once again, the demands of motherhood necessitate that I do what seems to be the impossible. One of my children come to help work out the knots that have formed thru the night. It's ironic in a way, if I didn't have them, I'd probably give up and stay in bed. But, since I do have them, they help me every morning reach the goal of getting out of bed.

After the children work on me a bit, it is time for me to drag myself out of bed. I must forcefully straighten my body as I walk to the bathroom, thinking to myself that I should probably use my wheelchair to conserve strength. But, I stubborn. I have to at least make it to the bathroom with some semblance of self before I'll start my day.

My day consists of nothing compared to my life before illness and chronic pain. Yet, I've learned to fill the voids that existed when my former life was taken from me. My days now consists of checking the kids schoolwork, planning dinner according to how much pain and energy I'll have by then, checking my emails, and now this....letting others in to know my daily battles.

Dinner is always tricky. I have to plan it first thing in the morning. I usually have a good idea then of what I'll be able to accomplish. I weigh out my to-do list, figure out how much energy and strength it'll take, then figure out how much is left for dinner. Our cabinets and fridge range in food from purely instant to practically gourmet. The latter doesn't happen in the cooler months, but sometimes during the summer I'm able to plan ahead to take a day to cook. It's one of my own indulgences that leaves me unable to do anything the following 2-3 days. Yet, some things are worth it and cooking a wonderful home cooked meal for my family is worth being out of commission for a few days.

The children's schoolwork doesn't always make sense to me. Hard to believe that I was a straight A student and now I struggle at times to figure out if the children did their work correctly. Often, while looking at their work, I have that nagging feeling that I know the answer....it's there somewhere.....lurking in the far depths of my mind where the fibro fog has covered it in layers.

If I'm having a good day, I'll manage to get a few loads of clothes folded. My oldest puts the clothes from the washing machine into the dryer. My middle child takes dry clothes from the dryer and puts them on the couch for me to fold. They both alternate helping me get the clothes sorted and into the washer to start the process. Although I often refer to The Spoon Theory to tell how my day is, I find that I tend to also weigh it according to laundry folded. Folding three loads of laundry is a really great day for me and probably means that dinner will not be completely instant!

Each day there is one thing that remains constant. That throughout all of it, I could not do anything without Him. He gives me the courage to go on when I feel I can't handle another thing. He gives me extra spoons when I need them (read The Spoon Theory to understand the significance of spoons). He soothes me when I cry, patiently listens when I am angry and yelling my wrath, and offers me comfort even when in my distress I disrespected him.

Remember "Footsteps in the Sand?" I read it as a child for the very first time. I purchased the address book I read it on and still to this day have possession of the outer cover of that address book. I look back over the scenes from my life, and can only rarely see a time when their were two sets of footsteps. God has carried me the majority of my life. What would I do without Him?

My desire now is to come to a place in my life where there are usually two sets of footsteps. A place where I am standing on my own two feet and with God's help can reach out to others and help them face the horrors I have in life. My illnesses knocked me off that goal for a while, but I've come to realize it is only one more pair of shoes I have worn. It opens the way for that many more people to be reached. I've walked in many shoes. Now it's time for me to find the pair that fits me and wear them from here on out. He'll be there for me through it all. I could never have made it without Him.

He will cover you with his feathers, and under his wings you will find refuge; his faithfulness will be your shield and rampart. Psalms 91:4