I met him on a singles site. He was much older than me, but at the time the site did not restrict that. There was something about his profile. His pics and his words exuded confidence, but at the same time showed this nervous, geeky little boy side that was cute.
The first date blew me away. We had a wonderful, intelligent conversation over a nice dinner. When we went out, it was pouring rain. I had parked towards the bottom of the parking lot and was going to merely tell him bye at the door and dash for my car. However, he insisted on walking me to my car! Even more shocking, he didn't attempt to touch me at all. Not even a peck on the cheek! As I started to pull away, I realized I needed to shut the trunk. I jumped out to do so and when I turned to walk back to my door, he was standing there! Soaked to the skin in the torrential downpour. He had seen me stop and came to make sure everything was OK.
Our first time together was fabulous. He seemed to instinctively know what my body craved, even when I wasn't aware my body could respond that way. He always covered my childcare expenses as well as any gas I may use in going to meet him. He had offered to pick me up at home, but I keep my home separate and apart from those I date typically. So, he covered the gas instead. At first I refused, but he told me that he realized if I had to cover it, I wouldn't get to see him that often. If he covered it, I could see him once or twice a week. He said that covering my childcare and gas was doing him a favor. Of course, over time he's made it very clear to me that if I'm dating a man that does not offer to cover the expense of my childcare and gas, than I need to ditch him then and there.
Our second date was at an amazing place I'd wanted to visit for years. On the way to the entrance, he stopped and moved a chair sitting just outside the door in the outside alcove. Quite strange, but so be it. He ordered our food, and I couldn't decide whether to be angry that he ordered without even consulting what I would want, or to just let it slide. When I excused myself to the restroom, he walked with me and waited for me to come out. He then led me outside and at the spot where the chair had once sat, gave me my first kiss. It was so full of passion. Intense. I actually whimpered. Then, he abruptly pulled away and opened the door to lead me back inside. I was so flustered! Attempting to regain control that quickly, knowing that this was MY town, where people knew me.... well, there was a certain provocative appeal to it. Besides, he had taken the time to think ahead and move the chair so that he would have an unobtrusive, though public, location to kiss me. Our first kiss, most assuredly something I would never forget.
We saw each other for a few months. After the first time my daughter walked in on me as I was getting out of the shower and saw the bruises on the backs of my shoulders, I learned to keep them in mind at all times. Although I insisted I had fallen days earlier and hit a large metal rack, she apparently could clearly see that the bruises were in fact bite marks.
Those bruises..... I can't begin to explain what they were like. In the moment the pain of receiving the bites was intense. My health issues only intensified the pain. Each time I would slip into the bathroom at some point and look at the marks on my body that he had left. The first time I think I was in shock. I just stood and stared while a voice in my head screamed, "What the hell is wrong with you? Why did you let him do that? Don't ever come back to see him again! This is crazy!" However, over the course of those first few days, my outlook changed. I would move a certain way, or turn and pain would ripple out from my deep bruises. It would remind me of him and all the little "weird" things he did with me, or had me do. I would smile and somehow feel taken care of.
When I would arrive at his home, he would get me inside the door and then SMELL ME! He would bury his face deep into my neck and breathe me in. No hello kiss, no hug, he had to smell me first. Then, when he had breathed me in, making sure that I had not showered that day nor put on deodorant or perfume, he would kiss me. It would be a deep, passionate kiss and as soon as I would start to lose myself in it's depths, he'd pull away, command me to strip and disappear to get whatever shirt of his he would give me to wear. Whatever undergarments I was wearing would always disappear. I learned later it was because of my smell.
Sometimes he ordered takeout. Other times he cooked. Sometimes we went out.
Always though he pleasured and pleased me in ways no one ever had. He pushed me to my limits, and on occasion past my limits. I quickly learned that stating "stop" resulted in an immediate halting of whatever was taking place. Rather than be upset, he would pull me close and ask me what was wrong. At first I was hesitant to tell him, but in time I learned that he wanted to know and would hold me and soothe me until it was all OK again. He made it clear that he wouldn't stay away from whatever activity we had been doing forever, but that he would take it slow and ease me into it, at a pace I could cope with. Somehow, he was giving me the strength to push through some of the issues I have from PTSD, and to heal. I don't think he was doing it for that purpose, but then again, maybe he was.
When I would return home, I was always sent with a shirt. I was required to wear the shirt each night when I slept. I had to bring it back with me when I returned the next week (I only had opportunity to see him once a week). I could shave my legs and underarms, but he liked my female essence to remain unshaven. On the days that I was to come visit him, I was not allowed to shower or put on deodorant. On one occasion I had appointments all day. I got up early, showered, got dressed, put on deodorant and headed out the door. Twelve hours later I walked through his door. He buried his face in my neck and took a deep breath.....or started to. He looked at me and asked, "Deodorant?" I explained I'd been in meetings all day and had no choice. "You always have a choice", he replied. I said nothing. "Will you wear deodorant next time?" I quickly replied, "If I have meetings". He looked at me again in such a patient and calm manner and asked again, "Will you wear deodorant next time?"
In all reality, I have no freaking clue why in that moment all I wanted to do was please him. But I did. I answered him, "No, I will not wear deodorant next time." He then smiled at me, pulled me to him and whispered into my ear, "If you have meetings, you may wear deodorant. Just be sure to wash it off after your last meeting and before you leave to come here." I couldn't help but smile, all the while feeling safe and secure.
Then, suddenly, with no warning and right after I suffered the death of someone I loved dearly, he broke things off. He gave me no reason. I saw him the night my loved one passed away, and then he blew me off for our next date, something he had never done. When I insisted to know what was going on, he merely said he didn't think we should see each other anymore.
I was so upset. The first thing I did was go out on several dates. One of those dates I started seeing regularly. I should have seen all the signs that something wasn't quite right with this guy. However, all I wanted to do was get "HIM" out of my mind. I broke all my rules, allowing this new guy to come to my home at one point and he even met my children. Several weeks into dating him, he wanted a threesome with his best female friend. I refused. Later that night, at a car event, he slipped something into my drink, a "date rape drug". I was supposed to pass out. Instead I lay screaming on the floor, "He did this to me" while pointing at him. I still haven't' paid off that ambulance and hospital bill. He escaped without charges because there was no "proof" that he is the one that slipped it in my drink. Obviously, I broke things off with him.
I contacted "HIM". I sent him an email and asked him to please tell me why he had broke things off. Rather than answer, he replied, "So, do you want to come have dinner with me or not?" Of course I went, though he never answered my question. I established that this dinner visit did not constitute our seeing each other again, but merely a one night affair. Yet, during the night he held me close, told me that he knew I was his baby, and assured me that he did not want me to go anywhere or be with anyone else.
Yet, rather than plan another date, he sent me a message stating that he didn't think we should see each other.
Months passed. I started dating someone else. My most recent boyfriend who also happened to be a friend of mine for over ten years. We briefly split up around the end of the year.
I sent HIM a message. I told him that I deserved an answer. That I needed to know why he broke things off with me twice.
He invited me to come see him.
He asked me how, after what he and I had together, could I have gotten into two different dating relationships. I looked at him shocked and said, "Because you didn't want me anymore". I was almost in tears. How could he feel gilted for my dating another when he had broken things off with me?
"Do you really want to know why I broke things off with you?"
"Yes, I do."
"OK. You weren't taking care of yourself. You were letting people take advantage of you and use you. You were letting them steal from you and take from you and your children. You kept helping people that only wanted to treat you badly. I couldn't stand by and watch you do that. You deserve better and you need to take better care of your children then that. I just couldn't stay with you knowing that was going on."
Later that night he told me that he cared deeply for me. He said that he felt like I wasn't as "into him" as he was "into me". He said that he didn't want me to be with him if I didn't really want him. I didn't really say much. I felt like he was changing the rules on me. In the past we kept things .....well we just didn't ever address feelings. Before he split up with me that first time, I was so deeply into him. His breaking things off and my not having an explanation for months upon months had hardened me somewhat. I had pulled away and put up walls. He felt those now. I respected his reason for breaking things off, but I was pissed that he had never told me that reason. Later that night, he told me about another source of income he has. One that goes against so much that I believe in. One that threw me so completely I laid awake for hours next to him thinking about it. He sales his body. I still don't know where I stand on that one.
I went home the next morning, thinking in depth about what he said. We made no decisions as to whether or not we would see each other again I obviously needed to deal with my issues first. He sent me home with an old prepaid cell phone he had as I had not been able to maintain service on mine due to financial reasons. He told me he wanted me to be able to make emergency calls if need be.
My most recent exboyfriend showed up after a week and a half gone. He wanted to work things out. I briefly thought of "HIM", but knowing that HE wasn't someone that would want to be with me longterm and knowing that it would never be more than temporary, I reunited with my boyfriend.
As you may know from my other posts, he and I split up not too long ago. He relapsed, stole my prescription meds, and still denies it while playing the innocent victim. Those that have loved him longer and deeper than I have assured me that he will not tell the truth. They told me that his admissions to them of guilty long past came only after he and I begin to date. I have closed that door, and am looking forward.
I got back in touch with "HIM". I apologized for never having sent back the flip phone. I had thought it had been returned, not realizing it had been sitting in a box in my shop. When he answered, he told me not to worry about it and asked how my boyfriend and I were doing. I let him know that we had split up. He then told me that he had a smart phone that he was going to send me to use and when I received it I could send back his flip phone. Once again, I was speechless.
I contacted him the next day and explained to him that I had thought often of his reasons for breaking up with me. I stated that I knew he was right and that I needed to determine why I had made such bad decisions. I explained that I had made a decision not to date, to remain single, and to stay celibate. I needed to focus on me and my own issues. I thought that he would tell me that he wasn't going to send the smart phone and to send back his old prepaid phone. I didn't think he'd talk to me anymore.
Instead, he told me that he felt like I was doing the right thing. He was proud of me. He wanted me to do what was best for my children and myself. He'd mail the smartphone that same day.
We've text briefly almost each day. Just a basic hi, hope you are well. Tonight he called me.
He explained to me that he didn't want me to feel obligated to him n any way simply because he had given me a phone. He told me that it was a "cheap" smart phone, and that one day soon he'd buy me a really nice phone. He went on to say that if I met a guy that I felt was "the one", that I should pursue it and not feel obligated to him at all. He told me that he is so totally into me, and that he hopes we can see each other again in the future, but not now. He said that now I needed to deal with my "shit" and do what I needed to do to take care of my children and myself. He made sure that I understood that he was not using the phone or anything else he sent me to "hold over my head". He even said, "If you meet somebody, and you start seeing him, after 30 days he pays your phone bill".
I assured him I had no interest in dating anyone. That it didn't matter who I met, I needed to work on myself and that was my priority.
He asked me if I would stop shaving. I laughed and told him I hadn't even shaved my legs in two weeks. He replied, "Could you just act like you're into me and even though we aren't seeing each other now, not shave for me."
This is what appeals to me so much about him. This confident, assured man that leaves me with marks and bruises, that has me kneel beside him and hold him while he urinates, that fucks me so hard that the bed moves from one side of the room to the other, that lays down rules for me that I must obey...... still craves and desires my acceptance of him. In his strength and control that I give him over me, I gain a strength I've never known before.
He'll be sending me a shirt to sleep in as well. He wants it t have my smell.
He said he never wants to pressure me to be with him. He knows I'm doing the right thing now. I'm taking care of myself first, and that is most important.
He didn't say it, but he misses me.
I didn't say it, but I miss him.
There are some things that he and I will have to resolve before we could date again. Those things are down the road though because right now I have to fix me. But they will come into play simply because there are some aspects of my PTSD that I can not face now. Things he really wants to do. Things I tried to do when with him but ended up rocking back and forth in the bottom of my shower, long after the hot water had run out. Things that send me back to "then". Some things I dont' know that I'll ever be able to do, but felt like he was pressuring me. Things I wanted to do for him because he pleases me so well and I want to please him, but just can't.
We'll have to discuss those things one day should we decide to date again.
For now, I'm working on me.
Unshaven.
Soon to be in his shirt at night.
Safe.
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