A New Venture

I wish that life came with a road map and the directions highlighted in neon orange.

I picked him up last night. He stayed here all night. We cried and we argued. We pleaded and we demanded.

We realized that ultimately, the two of us have, what appears to be, two main issues.


ME: I must always be in control. I micro manage every aspect of everyone's life. Although I have stated repeatedly that I am so bone weary tired, that I want someone else to take charge so I can have a break, the truth is I'm so damn tired because I am OCD in my control issues.

HIM: He does not allow himself to actually feel his emotions or follow through with his thoughts. He starts to feel a strong emotion, he automatically shuts it down and throws up walls, usually by being a total jerk. He alienates and pushes away.

To date, I have no idea what he thinks are my positive characteristics, only the ones he feels are negative. I don't know what he likes about my body (well I know one thing). I don't know why he wants to be with me. I don't know why he loves me or wants me.

(For those that have read my previous writings, I had told him when he relapsed that once he told me the truth, I would talk to him again. I did not anticipate his telling me the truth. In his far past, he never did (with other relationships). He would merely leave. As for his being with "her" and using needles again, she was merely using our separation as an advantage to attack me and further severe he and I.

Should I believe him? I guess I don't really know. But what I do know is that he has told me more things about his life than anyone else knows. He says that he was so very ashamed of having taken my pills that he couldn't bear to see the disappointment on my face if he told me the truth. Then, when I would not talk to him or reply to him, he though that I was completely done loving him.

He's an addict. He's struggled and relapsed. I don't know that it won't happen again.

I'm an addict. I've struggled and relapsed. I KNOW that it won't happen again but really, do any of you truly believe me?

However, it's worth the risk. He's the only person that doesn't take issue with my health issues, my family situation, my dysfunction.

I'm the only person that has ever loved him completely and totally, not in spite of what he's done or had happen to him, but because of who those things resulted in him being.

We came to the conclusion around 4am that neither of us want to go back to living how we have been. We haven't been happy. Neither of us fit in "normal". We've been trying so hard to have a "normal" relationship and it's slowly killing us.

So, what have we come up with?

First, I need to figure out a way to release control. I don't think I'm capable of it. The thought of not controlling every minute of every day is suffocating to me. It terrifies me. I had an anxiety attack in the van driving today and thinking about it.

So, how do I fix it?

I plan to, for 12 hours out of the day, hand him total control. Complete control. I will do as he says, when he says.

Why does this not completely flip me out? Why do I not think that he would abuse the situation?

Because for the other 12 hours of the day, I have control.

I know, this most likely does not fit into any relationship that has been seen before.

Yet, we have talked about it all day and think it will work for us.

His 12 hours, for now, start at dark. That leaves him in charge of making sure dinner, baths, bedtimes, etc is handled with children. I am certain that he will instruct me to handle these tasks and direct me in how he would like it done. As for after the children are in bed, I can't say that I have any worries. I know that he will not hurt me in a way that I would not desire. I know that he will push my limits, but that he will give me the comfort I need to be OK. Somehow, I think I will finally get past all the damned PTSD shit that years of therapy have not conquered. I want to. He understands. I think this will work. Of course, we have discussed discipline because quite simply, what's the point of having control if you can not enforce it. Of course, the mischievous side of me wants to make him think that certain things are discipline when in reality I enjoy every minute of it. With a weaker, less intelligent man, I might can pull this off. He knows me better than I know myself in many ways though. If he caught on, I'm am certain I would not enjoy any of the discipline then. Checks and balances.......

My 12 hours start at daylight. When I was speaking of all the chores I had to catch up on tomorrow, he looked at me and stated, "Ah, but now you have a slave." Even though we had spoke of our "plan" all day, he abhors chores. When I looked at him pleased, he replied, "Well, if we are going to do this, we must do it all the way".

Neither of us have any real experience in this. Up until the wee hours of this morning, he had refused to reveal to me his "kink/freak/dark" side. Despite all that I had told him, he was still worried that I would not want him if I knew. That I would be scared off. That I wouldn't be with him anymore. However, this morning, in the wee hours I pushed him not to hold back. Just once to fuck me the way I needed to be fucked. I saw the fear in his eyes. He was scared, not of me, but of losing control. I finally looked at him and explained, "You won't lose control because you will have total control". I saw the realization in his eyes. The fear fled from his eyes and then suddenly he let go.

Completely.

Totally.

He did pull away at one point. Worried that his choking me would be to much for me.

We've discussed this through out the day. He has hidden his desires since he was a teenager. He enjoys knife play, with blood. He wants to be cut as it's very seductive and erotic to him. I asked him if he would want to cut me. He looked at me and, without his normal hesitation in speaking of his feelings and thoughts he replied, "No, not with your history of cutting."  Ahhhhh, see? He knows me better than anyone else. Because the idea of his cutting me brought back those old cravings (I've not cut in 10 years). I already knew that if a blade were to touch my skin, that I would struggle with wanting to cut myself when life seemed to overwhelming.

In all reality, this situation that we are creating is the most fucked up, crazy, insane, psychotic, dysfunctional idea for a relationship that I have ever even heard of.

It fits us perfectly.