Disinhibition Effect: Online

I am rarely at a loss for words, yet at the moment I am unsure of where to begin.

You see, I am more than Splintered Crimson. Splintered Crimson is a persona that I created with a very singular purpose. Splintered Crimson (SC) allows me to express my deepest thoughts and feelings. SC enables me to express the sides of me I am not allowed to show in my everyday public life. SC exposes my weaknesses, my fears, my inner turmoil, my human-ness.

Apart from SC there exists the "me" that the world knows. That person is independent and confident. She sets out to accomplish a task or goal and excels at it. She is multi-faceted with a wide variety of interests and accomplishments. She always finishes "top of the class". She navigates a wide variety of social settings with an ease that reminds some of a chameleon, always fitting in and owning the room. She educates herself prior to any event that she must attend, making certain she is aware of customs, beliefs, and expectations.

She can attend a corporate dinner dressed in a manner that demands professional courtesy, and leave with those present mindful of her lingering presence. She can attend the family pig pickin in her comfortable jeans and bare feet, and be one of the last to leave as others there kept pulling her laughingly back to join the fray. She can stand before an assembly of people and speak passionately about what she believes in, having made sure there are tissues available for the eyes that tend to weep as they feel her own emotion. She can disarm the most jealous woman while endearing herself to the husband whose alliance she needs in her latest venture. She can befriend the powerful woman that guards her territory fiercely and in the process create a strong ally.

She is the woman that you look at and wonder where she meets such wonderful guys. There are a few exceptions in her history, yet you chalk it up to "we all make mistakes once in a while" or "well, she has had an incredibly difficult year so it's only to be expected". She is the one that you aspire to be like, call when you have an insurmountable problem, and want to join you on your evenings out as you always leave smiling and feeling stronger somehow. She is also the one you tell your friends, co-workers, family and significant other about and then wonder why they appear to dislike her, even though they have never met her. Yet, she's the one they quickly call friend after the initial meeting.

She is confident yet humble. Demanding yet compassionate. Powerful yet able to see from your point of view. Controlling yet loving. Spontaneous yet dependable.

She is the woman who controls her life and has conquered the most insurmountable odds. You label her an "inspiration" and readily refer anyone to her that appear homeless, cold, hungry, helpless, suicidal, depressed, or "needy" in some way. You often ask her, "How do you do it?" She is the one that stands tall, bending as the winds blow but never breaking. She is the one whose name you throw out in various settings, knowing that she is well known and hoping that your association with her will lend credence to your cause.

She is tired. Which is why she created Splintered Crimson.

Because as Splintered Crimson I do not have to be the strong one. I do not have to hold it all together for everyone else. I do not have to make decisions. I do not have to show a formidable facade that empowers others and lifts them out of their despair.

As Splintered Crimson I can just be beautifully, imperfectly human. I can be frail, fragile, shattered and broken. I can cry out in rage and express my own confusion at my personal affairs. I can cry at my broken heart and feel the full impact of my lifelong loneliness. I can express the "oddness" that is my sexuality and embrace the "inner freak". I can experience the full range of emotions and through that grow as an individual.

You see, Splintered Crimson benefits from the Disinhibition Effect. To use the words of Adam Joinson, "inhibition is when behavior is constrained or restricted through self-consciousness, anxiety about social situations, worries about public evaluation, and so on, then disinhibition can be characterized by an absence or reversal of the same factors..........With regard to an individual's behavior on the Internet, disinhibition could be summarized as behavior that is less inhibited than comparative behavior in real life.........is characterized by an apparent reduction in concerns for self-presentation and the judgement of others."

As Splintered Crimson I am FREE.

You are seeing the side of me that no one has ever seen before. This side is fragile. Your words impact. Your negative assumptions blind side me and yet I laugh at the irony knowing that in "real life" you would seek to befriend me.

Yet, those of you that offer feedback, constructive criticism, support, and help educate me in the areas I seek to learn about are beacons of light to my very soul and I thank you.