Monogamy vs. Open Relationship

To every potential relationship starting out, there is always a speed bump at the very beginning. Ours is monogamy versus open relationship.

I have experienced both and everything in between (swinging, swapping, sharing, do it but don't tell, seperate but transparent,etc). I came to the point, within the last year, that I felt monogamy was the best option for me for a variety of reasons.

First, convenience and safety, as they seem to go hand in hand. A monogamous relationship means I do not have to worry about acquiring diseases. Also, since I stay busy and free nights are a rarity, I do not feel like I am trying to juggle time between more than one person. Yet, the most deciding factor was the point in time doctors gave me my "death sentence". Throughout the months of deep thought that followed, I considered the various factors of monogamy versus open relationships.

I discovered that an open relationship results in my putting up barriers and walls to prevent myself from getting closely attached to my partner. I withdraw, disconnect, and sever any attachments that may have started. This is, in part, because my first "open relationship" was forced with an element of abuse  involved. Also, I have learned this as a safeguard after falling for someone I was in an open relationship with. Therefore, I protect myself in open relationships and make sure that I never get attached enough to get hurt. Since the partner I am with does not view my body as sacred, nor that which I offer him as such, I prevent myself from feeling that way as well. If I can be grouped with others sexually, then I am not with someone that can appreciate my uniqueness and who will ultimately never see me as much more than what we were when we initially established the boundaries of our relationship.

Of course, death can make you look at life differently. I realized that I do not want to spend the last of my years investing energy and effort into something that does not have the potential to be long lasting. It doesn't have to be forever, but it needs to both prompt me in my own self growth, and allow my partner to grow. I want to be able to direct my energy towards one partner and walk along a pathway of growth with them. I want the same energy devoted to myself in return. Open relationships inherently prevent this from happening to the extent it could in a monogamous relationship. Simply put, I want MORE than an open relationship can offer.

Yet, he desires an open relationship, hence the speedbump. His reasons are all the ones I used at the point in time I had decided I wanted only open relationships. I said that monogamy inhibited me, constricted me. I told others that it would not detract from what I offered them, felt about them, or desired to have with them. I stated that being in an open relationship would prevent anyone from being hurt by cheating, because cheating is human nature after all. Yes, I said all the same things.

Yet, he and I, in my belief, were both hiding from the same truths.

Open relationships protect us. It keeps us at a distance. It prevents us from becoming to emotionally connected. It makes sure that our core light is split into various outlets instead of being channeled for the most good. It keeps us refracted. It keeps us safe.

Some of us (though not all) cling to open relationships out of fear of a monogamous ones. We've felt the pain of trusting someone only to have them share what we viewed as our temple with someone that could not fully appreciate the beauty. We were left wondering, hurting, betrayed.

I have gone back and forth. I know that if I agree to an open relationship then I will grossly inhibit myself. I will intentionally severe the connection I felt so strongly last night and this morning and place our relationship back into the "acquaintance" category. He will become, to me, a means to satisfy my physical hunger without any risk.

Yet, the thought saddens me. It is what I must do to be able to share him and I do not want to have to do that.

Yet, insisting on a monogamous relationship with someone that believes their reasons are not based in fear and are logical may be worse. Would he feel that I was placing boundaries on him and grow to resent me for such? Will he, when opportunity arise, chose to partake of another after I have adopted the path I take with monogamy? Will he end our relationship sooner because he is being withheld from sexual pleasures he wants to receive from elsewhere? Also, what of those that he wants to be with even now? The ones that prompt him to want an open relationship with me? Those that have been in the picture prior to me, and will remain in after me? Severing those relationships when his interest in those women predates (and most likely outweighs) any interest in me would most assuredly strain our own relationship.

I feel that I am damned either way.

We agreed to remain monogamous for three months. I suggested this morning that we drop it to 4 weeks, and he agreed. He said that was easier for him. I later suggested 2 weeks. He agreed to four. I suggested dropping the time frame because I felt fear. I did not want the opportunity to present itself for him to share himself with another. I want him to value the connection and energy flow we shared, to cherish it even.

I long for things that I should not. He wants a casual relationship at best. This was fine with me until we connected as we did. It made me realized how alone I have been these years without that connection. It reminded me of how much power there is in life when connected to another. It reminded me that some things happen in life only once and if you are fortunate enough to get a second chance at one of those things, after blowing the first, to grab hold of it and not let go. I want that. Even now, in the beginning, I want that.

The smart thing to do would be for me to walk away. To put up my walls and barriers now. To sever those threads of energy that are intertwined and connecting us. To break the connection now, though draining, would require only a brief recovery. To wait and do it later..... *sigh, the longer you wait the worse it is. I should walk away now. It is the only safe option for me.

Yet, through all my existences I could never walk away from one I connected so fully with, despite what pain and hurt that entailed.