Revelation

This morning I woke. I did not want to transition to daylight hours. I felt overwhelmed.

 I realized that I was opening myself up in a way that I never have before.

This journey is more than I thought it would be. I feel like I may suffocate. He will see ME. The parts of me I have always hidden. The parts of me I have just started to share here.

What will happen if I let someone see the me that I have kept hidden for all of my adult life?

I feel the fear. The fear I haven't felt since, as a young child, I discovered to never truly trust anyone. The fear that taught me to always keep myself at a distance, even without letting no one know that this is what I was doing. The fear that enabled others to describe me as "an inspiration", "passionate" and having a "depth of emotion" even when I knew that I was deceiving them in many ways.

This journey will mean that he will see how broken, shattered, and lost that I am. He will see the demons I wage war with. He will see beyond the facade I have presented to the world since childhood.

Will he love me once he sees that I am not strong as he was led to believe?

Somehow, I think he always knew.

Yet, that's not possible, is it? No one has ever known. I am a master at keeping the "real me" hidden and locked away. It's locked so deep inside of me that often I do not know who that person is any longer.

Can I, after 30 years, start to open those doors?

Can I, after 30 years, believe that someone may actually love the broken, dejected, abused and shattered soul that I carry within me?

Can I, after 30 years, actually trust someone?

I do not know.

I am terrified.

I have had panic attacks throughout the day.

Panic attacks I have not had since childhood.

The feeling that the bad people are coming. That they are watching. That dreaded sense I had as a young child that resulted in my never sleeping, staying clothed beyond all belief, and wrapping myself completely in blankets when in bed.

I panicked. I did NOT want to be in charge. I did NOT want to make decisions.

I was lost in fear.

Frantic.

Yet, even when I begged him to take control, he did not argue. Yet, as I started to write, I realized..... he never really took control. He left me in control, and though our conversation changed (such as him stating that today would be a good day to do x,y,z), he still had allowed me to be in complete control.

I am a mastermind at the opposite.....allowing the men in my life to think they have control when in actual reality I controlled every aspect of life.

Yet, never did I realize the opposite existed. He managed to give me the breather I needed, all while I never lost control.

Confusing it is.

Yet, so comforting.

With that realization, I called him in.

I apologized for neglecting my responsibilities. I promised I would not do so again.

He smiled, knowing that I was OK again.

Somehow, it is OK.

This is going to be a tough journey. We're both going to have to be in a constant state of learning and change.

Whereas I thought he would struggle and find the anxiety and fear of the dynamics to much to happen, it appears that I am the one with the greatest struggle.

I thought he was so much more adept at hiding his emotions and keeping them buried beneath walls. There is one fundamental difference though.

He was only hiding his emotions and thoughts from others.

I have been hiding my emotions and thoughts from myself since childhood.