Submissive is NOT Weakness

I read someone's post today regarding their personal journey in life. Reading through their post brought me some eye opening moments.

First, I just realized that being submissive is NOT weakness. You see, I grew up seeing that a woman that was submissive to an overbearing and critical man was miserable, pathetic and weak. I never wanted to be that woman. I never wanted to be that man either.

I've gone through life being independent (on my own since 16) and relying on no one but myself. I've made sure the bills were paid, the house was clean, the yard was kept up, the car was running, the grill was in order and the kids were raised. I've done it all. I've succeeded at everything I set out to do.......except maintain a solid relationship.

In all my relationships I've been the one in charge, handling all the responsibilities. Over the last couple of years I've grown exhausted, bone weary, tired. I wasn't aware why until most recently. Now I know, it's because I've always been in control. If I was not in control.....well, I don't know what would have happened. After escaping extreme domestic violence, I made sure I was always in control.

And now, I'm burned out.

Now, I want someone else to step in, take over and make sure it gets done. I want someone that is going to discipline me today because I'm weeks past due in my college work (yes, I am) and make sure I not only get it done but have it done before it's due. I want someone to put me to bed each night at a decent hour and require me to get up bright and early. I want someone that will tell me what I must avoid food wise and what I need to eat daily. I want someone that will push me to reach my full potential, motivate me to do so (with both rewards and disciplines), and show me that they know me better than anyone else.

I know that letting go and letting another take control will be the most difficult experience of my life. I know that I've never dated a man like that before, choosing instead to only date those that were pliable (and a bit insane). I can't imagine how much I'll struggle to trust someone to that extent. How much time and effort it will take to get to that point.

I do know that until I do find that, I"ll continue to feel lost somewhere deep down inside. That place I keep buried and covered over.

It's not about the sexual aspect for me, it's about relinquishing control of ME. All of me. Emotionally, mentally, physically and sexually.

Don't get me wrong, I still want input. In alot of ways I know what is best for me. Yet, in many ways I need someone that will push me to do the things I already know I should be doing.

Someone asked me what I'd be willing to give in return for someone "taking over" my life.

If that person knew me at all, they'd know that through my letting go of control, I'd already given them the most prized possession I have.