Will It Go Away......

If I don't talk about it....... will it go away?

If I don't think about it......will it go away?

If I don't feel it......will it go away?

I just WANTED to believe he loved me. To prove to myself that the last 9 months were not in vain. That all the love, forgiveness, support and effort I put into the relationship was worth something. That I was "good enough", that my love was "good enough".

Yet, now I am looking at the entire situation and wondering why the hell I felt I needed him to validate me.

He created so much havoc in my life simply by the lies he told about ME. He told those lies to hide who he was, what he was doing. Those lies resulted in hurting, not only me, but his son, his younger brother, and four other children.

I have no respect for him left.

None.

That quickly and that completely.

He hurt CHILDREN. Shattered their souls and broke their hearts. Made them feel like they weren't good enough.

I have no respect for the person that chose to accuse me and put me down, in my own home, because he believed the lies. He hurt his own grandchild and two other children he knows NOTHING about. He knew the person had lied to him for years, had stole from him, had lied about him. Yet, maybe he, like me, just wanted to feel like all the years of his bailing him out, giving him money, giving him cars, providing him a place to stay no matter how strung out, giving him money even though it all went to drugs.....maybe he felt like he needed validation of his efforts.

Yet, I would NEVER attack other people, or children, just to try to feel validated.

No respect left.

I showed respect for both. Yet I have none.

I am done. Finished. No more chances. I have made a list of "requirements" that must be met for him to even attempt friendship again. I doubt I"ll ever hear from him again. The list would require sincere commitment to staying clean and after the last 9 months, I don't believe that was ever there.

I feel stupid. Very gullible, ignorant.

However, it is a learning experience and I will learn from it.