H O N E S T Y

“You're too honest”
“It wasn't a lie, I just left out some stuff”
“I didn't want to tell her because I was scared it would hurt her feelings”
“No one actually wants to hear the truth all the time”
“I'm not a deceitful person, I'm just private so sometimes don't say things.
exactly like they are”
“It was just a white lie, everyone tells those”

I could go on and on with these. I have heard them my entire life and my rigid views on honesty have always been considered outside of the norm. I've felt so foreign in my own beliefs about honesty that I've often wondered if this is some flaw that I have, an area of growth I've somehow skipped and others made it through.

I understand that the vast majority of people will state they are an honest person. Yet, the way people define honest varies such a wide range.

A range.... I actually had someone define deceit that way recently. They said that deceit ranges on a scale from “neutral” to “evil”. They perceived themselves as just a bit past the neutral mark, and therefore nowhere near the “evil” end of the scale. I asked if someone that only deceives occasionally was on the neutral end of the scale and they replied that they were. I then questioned what would be on the evil end? Would it be someone that lied daily? If someone lying occasionally is what puts you on the neutral side of the spectrum, then lying often would put on on the evil side? At this point they said they didn't want to discuss it.

I am a stout believer in honesty. Maybe it is a flaw and stems from my far distant past of abuse and trauma as I've been told several times. However, when it comes to honesty I see black and white. No gray. No white lies. No deception through omission. No partial truths.

When I first meet someone, I approach them with full trust. I give them the benefit of the doubt and do not second guess what they say. Many have told me that my flaw is in offering unconditional trust rather than making people earn trust. However, I feel that if it is something that has to be earned, then it is not unconditional. I offer trust freely. However, once that trust is betrayed, I struggle to believe anything the person says again. I believe in unconditional forgiveness as well as that people can change. I will therefore discuss how I feel about honesty, how deception leads me to second guess all that a person says, and how honesty in interactions with me would benefit us both. Then, I give a second chance several more times. Yet, after a few times of being shown deception or dishonesty in any form, I am done. I will still associate with this person, however they've now been placed in the “associate” box rather than the “friend”, “best friend”, “lover”, “boyfriend”, “partner” or any other box.

Is this extreme? Possibly. Yet, everything that I offer is 100%. If I love you, it is with all that I have. If I fear something, enjoy something or am angered by something it is with all that I am. I love fiercely, laugh uncontrollably, and give freely. Full throttle and with nothing held back. What you see is what you get.

I don't expect someone to tell me everything. Yet, I do expect them to simply say that they don't want to discuss something or answer something rather than them toss me a lie. I respect a person's privacy and sense of self so am perfectly fine with this.

Maybe this is some flaw within me, a weakness, a vulnerability. Yet, this is something I will continue to strive for and seek out. So, if you're like me and crave someone that will always strive for complete and total transparent honesty, shoot me a message! I'd love to chat!

I Reside In Hell

I married him. After all, I stayed and I married him.

After, on our honeymoon, the suspicions and doubts I'd had but were never fully certain of were confirmed.

Months have passed and each day it seems that I discover more deceit. More untruths.

I married an absolute stranger.

I know only one thing, that I know nothing about him.

Each day is filled with deceit, dishonesty and lies. Each day is filled with his pretending to be something he isn't. Each day is filled with him accusing me of being something that I am not, while admitting to more lies. Each day is a contradiction of the day before.

He says that he loves me even as he lies to me about who he is, what he is, where he is and even who he is with. He says that he loves me even as he says that he would tell any lie to get what he wants. He says that he loves me even as he says that he doesn't care about my feelings. He says that he loves me even as he tells me that I am guilty of the very things he does.

He says that he knows I am as dishonest as him. He says that I must also have cheated. He calls me a hypocrite and a liar. He tells me that I do nothing but "whine" and "complain" about his dishonesty and that I have no right to do so.

He hates every fiber of me, and yet knows nothing about who I am.

Three years I have been in this warped relationship where he uses me at his whim and cares nothing for the damage or havoc he wrecks.

I fear admitting defeat.
     I fear admitting that I was completely and totally wrong.
          I fear admitting that I could have been so totally and completely conned and deceived.
                I fear what all of that will mean.

I know not who I am.
I know only what I am not.
And I am NOT any of the things he accuses me of.

Overactive Mind, Complete Honesty, Future Relationship

My mind keeps going back to the rebound situation. I have thought about it from every possible angle. I've been in conversation with my intellectual friend discussing the various aspects.

This is the first time that I've truly admitted that I use rebounds, and how complete my abandonment of them is after. This is the first time that I've ever decided that I would no longer do that. Having done so, I feel that I am not even capable of looking at someone with that concept. Typically, there requires only a few factors me me to take on a rebound relationship: Physical Attraction on both parts, their acceptance (even if superficially) of the terms I present of it being a rebound, and their understanding that it is not to be spoken of.

Yet, this new potential rebound is not equating that way at all. Instead, I notice all these little things about him..... the way he cuts his eyes sideways at me when I say something that catches his attention, the way he smiles and gives me quick light dainty kisses on my head as he walks by, the way he genuinely listens to EVERY SINGLE THING I SAY without complaint even when I'm babbling. His impressive knowledge, intellect and genius. I am certain I could speak to him of any topic and he could hold his own. He also has this unique way of being able to genuinely see things from other people's perspectives. It's a very logical outlook and though he may not be able to understand the why behind it, he can see it! There is also his inability to be dishonest.

Ahhh yes, I do believe that is, at the moment, the feature that draws me to him the most. I have always told those I have dated that as long as they were 100% honest with me and transparent, that we could make it through anything. That I would stand at the gates of hell and fight Satan himself if required, as long as I knew I could trust them to be honest with me. The concept of having something I had already deemed as impossible ..... I feel almost as if it is a fairy tale dream.

I'm also looking at the other possibilities concerning this honesty. Am I really willing to deal with any situation as long as honesty is a part of it? I've never really thought it through since I never thought it was possible. It requires deeper thought to be sure.

Of course, I have been strongly considering a full dom/sub relationship. A relationship where the Dom would be able to push me past the issues I have not been able to get past. Where he would take control so that I would not have to. A relationship where I would be the clay to be sculpted by someone that knew me as well as I knew myself and could help me get past the dysfunctions I have.

Somehow, I do not see that as being the case with this intellect.

However, could being with someone incapable of dishonesty help my trust issues? Could it bring me to a new level of healing simply because I could trust this person to never deceive me? Could this be a path to growth?

I've explained to him the fear that I have of using him as a rebound and dismissing him when done. However, I think that through discussing it, I've realized that I won't do that with him. I've also explained that I'm not over my ex, that I still have heart strings connected. He seems at peace with both scenarios. We're still discussing the ins and outs. What we both would like, what we don't like. Hard limits, soft limits. Where we would like it to go, where we don't want it to go. I don't think I've ever discussed having a relationship so much before starting one before.

We'll see how it goes. At present, I'm counting down the days till I see him again. By that time I should have fully debated all the ins and outs and decided whether to pursue this.

All in all, the positives listed below seem to be overweighing any potential negatives:

Inability to be dishonest
Physically affectionate
Adorable and Sexy, depending on the moment
Intelligent, Intelligent, Intelligent
Unique
Switch with similar fetishes
Unbelievable girth (as in OMG is that even possible?!?! and I don't know if it can even fit)
Likes to shoot big guns (oh come on, you KNOW that's sexy!)
Did I mention intelligent? ;)

Hmmmm..... looking forward to this journey regardless of what he and I decide. Because even if we do not pursue a relationship, we already have the foundations of an amazing friendship.

Why I Trust... NO ONE

Because I was the 8 year old little girl that wrapped the blankets all around me like a mummy, even tucking them under my feet and laid absolutely, perfectly still hoping if I wasn't heard I would be forgotten.

Because when those that loved me found out, they covered it up and did nothing about it.

Because even now they won't tell me who.

Because throughout all my years growing up I was taught that I never did anything right, I was never good enough, I should have been born a boy, and that nothing I did would ever be enough.

Because now, all these years later, they still feel the same way about me.

Because even after being molested as a child, I didn't get to willingly have sex the first time. My virginity was snatched away by a man named Stan, who only laughed at me when I sat crying and cleaning up the blood after.

Because he beat me AFTER I gave birth to his child, but never in any of the years we were together before.

Because he beat and raped me day after day after day while continously screaming that he loved me more than anyone else would.

Because he taught me that I never did anything right, I was never good enough, no one would ever love me apart from him, and that nothing I did would ever be enough.

Because after leaving him, I couldn't look into myself and see anything worthy or beautiful.

Because years later, when I had a third child with another man, he began to attack me physically. Never before our child, only after.

Because he still torments and threatens me, despite my having removed myself from his life a decade ago.

Because when I finally found someone I thought loved me, I married him, only to discover the night of my wedding that he truly did not love me but only wanted me to help him financially.

Because knowing that, I stayed hoping that he would learn to love me, and being devastated when he walked out after he got all that he wanted financially.

Because I waited all these years to tell someone all these things.

Because I waited all these years to tell someone many of my fears, my insecurities, my heartache, my pain.

Because I waited all these years to let someone in past all the barricades and the walls.

Because waited all these years for someone that understood. Someone that didn't think bad of me for those things.

Because I waited all these years for someone that didn't think less of me.

Because waited all these years for someone that  wanted to know all of it and think that I was good enough.

Because I  waited all these years for someone that would not betray me.

Because I waited all these years for someone that would not lie to me.

Because I waited all these years for someone that would not leave me.

Will It Go Away......

If I don't talk about it....... will it go away?

If I don't think about it......will it go away?

If I don't feel it......will it go away?

I just WANTED to believe he loved me. To prove to myself that the last 9 months were not in vain. That all the love, forgiveness, support and effort I put into the relationship was worth something. That I was "good enough", that my love was "good enough".

Yet, now I am looking at the entire situation and wondering why the hell I felt I needed him to validate me.

He created so much havoc in my life simply by the lies he told about ME. He told those lies to hide who he was, what he was doing. Those lies resulted in hurting, not only me, but his son, his younger brother, and four other children.

I have no respect for him left.

None.

That quickly and that completely.

He hurt CHILDREN. Shattered their souls and broke their hearts. Made them feel like they weren't good enough.

I have no respect for the person that chose to accuse me and put me down, in my own home, because he believed the lies. He hurt his own grandchild and two other children he knows NOTHING about. He knew the person had lied to him for years, had stole from him, had lied about him. Yet, maybe he, like me, just wanted to feel like all the years of his bailing him out, giving him money, giving him cars, providing him a place to stay no matter how strung out, giving him money even though it all went to drugs.....maybe he felt like he needed validation of his efforts.

Yet, I would NEVER attack other people, or children, just to try to feel validated.

No respect left.

I showed respect for both. Yet I have none.

I am done. Finished. No more chances. I have made a list of "requirements" that must be met for him to even attempt friendship again. I doubt I"ll ever hear from him again. The list would require sincere commitment to staying clean and after the last 9 months, I don't believe that was ever there.

I feel stupid. Very gullible, ignorant.

However, it is a learning experience and I will learn from it.

OH MY FLIPPIN GOD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

What the heck?? Does the crazy come out in everyone at once?

HIM....the wonderful, supportive, proud of you for working on you, respect my decision not to date and remain celibate is suddenly pushing to see me, for us to be together. Seriously?? Cause it was only the other day you supported my decision!! What exactly changed between now and then? You're giving me a week and then want to see me. A week? What the hell??

But that isn't enough. Oh no. My most recent exboyfriend (yes, the one that took my pills and lied t me about it) has suddenly decided to......

TELL ME THE TRUTH!

I totally expected him to continue on his merry little way, down the path that he chose over being with me.

But no.

He's confessed. Said that he knows he fucked up a really good thing. Says he wants to be with me. Says he loves me. Says I know him better than anyone else does (well no shit, I've known him a hell of a lot longer than anyone else and was his confidant for years).

I told him that each time during our relationship that a problem arose, that I always had to be the one to fix it. I told him that I have been there for him, supported him, helped him, and loved him throughout a lot of shit and that I was not going to fix it this time. That I should not have attempted to fix his fuck ups the other times. That if he wanted me then he would damn well stand up, commit to it, and work for it. He said "OK" to which I replied, "Really? Cause we both know you don't like to commit and work at anything." (Not making a low blow, but he prefers to alienate himself, put up walls, and not allow himself to get to close and he knew I was referring to this).

He wants to spend tonight with me.

I told him no sex. He said he still wanted to come over. I questioned it and he replied, "I know you better than that."

Damn him all to hell. He's right. He knows my Scorpio side craves sex on a regular basis and I've been starved for two weeks.

But I also know that sex with him will open up the emotions. Will make me feel vulnerable.

And damn it all to hell he doesn't deserve sex with me. I don't trust him. At all. He wants to fuck me he can damn well make sure I trust him first. Cause right now having sex with him would be like having sex with anyone just for the sake of sex.

Ahhhh shit. Who am I kidding?

 I want to find validation in his touch.

I want to see that look he'll give me which reminds me of the depth of his emotions, despite the walls he puts up.

I want to have him hold me all night, keep me warm, wake me with something to drink and anything else I may need.

I want to feel like he missed me.

Like he loves me.

Like he's going to fight for me.

I know that he misses me. I know he loves me.

I don't know that he's going to fight for me.

In all reality, I seriously doubt he'll fight for me.

Why does life have to be so damn confusing?

Why do we have to be so dysfunctional?

Why can't I just stand my ground and make him prove to me that he is committed, trustworthy, and worth all the possible pain and hurt that could potentially happen?

He told me he didn't know how to "fix" us.

To be quite honest, I don't know either.