Initial Trust

Such important things I have needed to work on the last few hours. Instead, I've stayed busy with mindless, mundane activities that are nothing more than a waste of time.

Now that I have decided to quit distracting myself from my own thoughts and feelings, it is all starting to pull together for me.

I am finally coming to the full grasp and realization that people should not be trusted, until that trust is earned. It seems in all areas I give trust much to freely. I have extolled the virtues of trusting someone until they give you reason not to trust them.

Tonight I realized the ignorance of this statement and begin to address why I would think this way. I realized that it is somehow a reflection of my thoughts about myself.

Initially, I realized that many moons ago I was a person that trusted no one. After having been through a particularly horrible experience, I shielded myself from any potential pain. I trusted no one and pushed everyone away. If I met someone that I felt was trustworthy and of value, I would second guess their intentions and actions. I would push and push, typically doing the one thing I knew would send them away from me. I didn't want to risk hurt. I had been hurt enough.

Yet, through time, I realized that this was impeding me from ever developing any type of fulfilling relationship, be it friendship or otherwise. I realized it was weakness and not the strength I thought I had sought to develop.

I became the person that everyone could trust and their trust not be forsaken.

I became brutally honest. I would tell a person exactly what I saw, what I thought, what I want and who I am. I did not look at someone and tell them what they wanted to hear merely for the sake of attempting not to displease them. I did not mislead others. I would not agree to participate in something I knew I would not abide by. I did not hide anything in my relationships, freely offering information that would be deemed pertinent without it ever having to be requested. I have continued to be this person even today.

Yet, despite my honesty and transparency, it seemed that many distrusted me even after I had adequately proven myself as trustworthy. This was not due to my own actions, but actions of others upon them. Actions from a past I had nothing to do with. (just as I was many moons ago)

I didn't want to be one of those people. Even though I had become trustworthy, I now felt that I needed to trust others. So, I begin to trust everyone completely. I would trust them until they proved that they were not trustworthy.

I carried this to an unhealthy extreme. As a result, I have been hurt quite often. I have allowed people that were not trustworthy to know me on an intimate basis. I have allowed them to link their energy with mine, even though it was tainted and dishonorable.

Now, it is time for me to find balance. It is time for me to refuse to share myself with anyone that has not proven themselves trustworthy.

It is time for me to value myself enough that I would not dare be with someone I could not trust across the board.

Now, I will seek and find balance in the area of trust.

It is far past time.