The Link Between Self Doubt and Self Care

I'm still working through it all, but I seem to have realized that for me, self care is intricately linked to self doubt.

Several years ago I was in a tight spot. I was tending to multiple youths and children with special needs and mental illness. One of them had multiple suicide attempts and almost died. I was so far beyond my breaking point. I spent all my time tending these youths and making sure everyone stayed alive. I felt fortunate to be able to find time or opportunity to shower. I never had time to talk to friends or go anywhere. The few times I may have had time or appropriate supervision for the youths, I was too tired to consider it. I had quit doing all the things I did to bring me peace. I didn't do anything that could even remotely be considered self care outside of showering and brushing my teeth. I only knew one feeling.... OVERWHELMED.There was ZERO self care.

Then I met someone. The first few weeks he spent telling me how strong and courageous he thought I was. He took me on dates and reminded me what it felt like to get away from the stressors and responsibilities of my life.

Rather quickly he wanted to get much more serious than I wanted. Yet, along with that he used my frailties to entice me to him. We could buy a large house that would enable all the youths I was caring for to have plenty of room. We could buy that house in an area that offered better psychiatric care. Since I wouldn't have to worry about the bills, I could stay home and focus on the youths. I would be better equipped to keep everyone alive. Through all of this, he assured me that he thought I was wonderful, courageous, strong and that he loved me already. Yet, at the same time he was planting doubts I'd never known.

He'd say things like, "You know, if we were married and living together, you'd have so much more time to help your kids. They'd be much less likely to reach a self harm or suicide point." or "If you and I were together, then you'd notice when one of the kids started to get a bit stressed and be able to be more pro-active about it." or "If we lived together then you would be able to get some rest in the evenings when I got home from work and you'd be more mentally refreshed the next day and wouldn't miss anything going on with the kids". He had an ongoing flow that never came right out and said I was lacking as a single mother, but that did that all the same. Had he come right out and said, "You don't have enough time to help your kids, you aren't proactive in helping them, and you're too tired to pay attention to them" I'd have torn him to shred. Yet, he didn't say any of these. He implied them in a sideways manner which resulted in my own self doubt.

Yet, had I been practicing self care all along, I'd have been aware of my own self worth and my own value. I'd have caught the manipulation in these statements and not allowed them. If I'd been practicing self care, then others couldn't have gotten away with causing me to so completely distrust myself.

When I first had the gut instinct that something wasn't right regarding our relationship, I questioned him about it. He told me that my heightened stress level over the last year had thrown my perceptions off. He said that my fear of abandonment from prior relationships had been intensified by almost losing one of my kids. He insisted that I knew everything about him, his life and what he did, but that I was so tired from the last few years I just wasn't able to trust what I really felt and knew to be true. He presented this all so matter of factly and seemingly intelligently that it caused me to pause and consider what he said.

Over the next few years, he managed to take away all confidence I had in myself. His gaslighting skills were on point, yet I was already doubting myself so much that I didn't notice when the gaslighting began! I would second guess everything.... my emotions, my thoughts, my words and even what I had done or not done.

I second guessed myself so much I didn't even see that I was in a mentally and emotionally abusive relationship. I left him when he became physically violent as that was something I clearly recognized.

Almost a year later I started to date again. Well, I didn't actually start to date. I started talking to people on dating sites and eventually decided to meet someone I'd become friendly with online and via text.

Over the next year and half, he became my best friend. He helped me start to remember who I was. He helped me fight back against the self doubt and gas lighting. He was my anchor, and my life raft all at the same time. Yet still, even as I started to learn how to trust myself again, I never returned to taking care of myself.

A year and half after we met, we started to date. It wasn't something really thought out. More along the lines of the whirlwind romance that came out of an impulsive kiss in the midnight hours one night.

He was my best friend, so what could go wrong?

Apparently, lots can go wrong.

You see, when you aren't practicing self care you aren't recognizing and accepting your own worth. I had never started back practicing self care. I kept telling myself that when I got the chores caught up, when the kids were out of the hospital, when my daughters surgery was over, when I had the bills caught up... I had this long list of all the things that had to be done before I could do anything for myself.

Ironically, self doubt had creeped in because I wasn't practicing self care. Now, I carried so much self doubt with me that I wouldn't even start self care.

Without self care, I wasn't able to effectively dismiss the self doubt.

With the lack of self care, self doubt, and all that came with that I didn't stand up for myself when I should have.

None of this excuses anything that went wrong in dating my best friend. He made some serious mistakes that hurt me significantly. However, when I tried to address it all, I was told things that had already been drilled into me. When he said that he thought I was over-reacting, that I had misunderstood, that I was misconstruing thing, I would go into a tailspin of self doubt. Ultimately I'd self doubt myself so much that I'd convince myself the issues weren't as bad as they seemed.

This created a nasty cycle of us going through the same crap over and over again. I'd feel betrayed by deceit, self doubt would be introduced into my mind, and I'd end up making apologies while the acts and deeds that harmed me would eventually disappear and never get addressed or handled.

One night when reading through our old messages, I came across many of the messages he'd sent me through our friendship prior to dating. The messages were he had helped me to start on a path of self confidence. Messages filled with insight into my own self doubt and how I could counteract it. In those messages also contained his advise that I start taking care of myself, that I actively do things I enjoy. He spoke of how if I didn't take care of myself, I'd fall apart across the board and not be there for anyone.

His messages two years prior had opened my eyes. I saw and remembered the path I needed to be on.

I'd like to say that he and I were on board with what needed to be done at the same time. I'd like to say that he and I both chose a path of self growth and thrived. I'd like to say a lot of things about us, but suffice it to say things never went as I thought they could.

The relationship ended. The friendship ended.

I, quite literally, ran for the hills. I took my youngest on a primitive camping trip. My son opted out early, but I stayed on. I sat beside the bubbling creek in the morning nursing my cup of hot tea. I laid outside and looked at the stars. I spent hours in the creek re-arranging and re-building the dam built by rocks to form a small pool. I cleaned it of leaves and rearranged it so the pool was clean and clear. I went for walks and drove to places I wanted to go. I hiked, took photos, and journaled. I found me. I found me through self care. With both of those things I started to combat the self doubt.

Ironically, it was the lack of self care that led to self doubt being able to eat away at me. It was self doubt that kept me from starting self care. Once I finally pushed past all the doubt and started to take care of myself, the self doubt began to fade.

On sites such as this we often focus on how we want our partners to care for us, or how we want to care for our partners.

Yet, at the end of the day one things remains true:

WE MUST EACH ADMINISTER SELF CARE TO OURSELVES.

Self care can change every aspect of your life for the better.