Self Care

“You won't be able to take care of anyone else if you aren't taking care of yourself.”
“What have you done for you lately?”
“You have to pamper yourself.”
“You have to do something frivolous.”
“Have you bought yourself anything lately?”
“Self care has to be something that you indulge in, something that's just for you and no one else.”

I wrote earlier about self care and how a lack of it can result in a lack of healthy boundaries. I mentioned a time when life had overwhelmed me with responsibilities. A time when I was too tired to do anything but sleep when I wasn't taking care of others. How the lack of self care during this time resulted in my latching onto an unhealthy relationship.

I think it's important to note that self care drastically varies depending on our situation. If life has pushed us into a situation where all we can do is focus on survival and are overwhelmed with responsibilities, self care will be different than a time period where we have less stressors. Ideally, we'd all like to follow the advice of people who have never walked in our shoes and give ourselves more self care when we're most stressed, but reality doesn't always give us this opportunity.

At one particular rough patch in my life, the only self care I had were the occasional text messages I sent to a friend. They were lengthy texts where I talked all about the responsibilities that were overwhelming me. I poured out how overwhelmed I was, how I didn't think I could go another day, and how I just wanted to curl up in a fetal position and sleep for three weeks. His replies were always words that strengthened me. He believed in me. He knew how strong I was even when I couldn't see it. My kids were lucky to have someone that wouldn't give up on them. He always said something that I had difficulty seeing in the moment, but that always made me feel a little bit stronger. This was the only self care I was able to find time for and it was always on the run.... a text sent in a doctors office, or an elevator, or in the wee early morning hours where dreaming of my to do list woke me.

Sometimes self care is giving my kitchen a through cleaning. Or cooking a huge meal that I won't be able to clean up from after, simply because I love creating new dishes and having others enjoy them. Sometimes self care is staying in the shower until the water runs out. Other times it's spending an hour after dark leaf blowing because it's the only time the kids are asleep. Self care can be learning to make your own body scrubs and moisturizers because you can't afford to buy the ones you love anymore. Maybe self care is taking a second helping of dinner when you normally let the kids split what's left. Self care could be drinking enough water, even if you really don't want to drink water at all.

Self care isn't always something you enjoy. Hell, sometimes self care can be downright painful. When you realize that you have unhealthy boundaries, self care means you determine why they exist and take the steps to eliminate them. When you realize a relationship is toxic, self care means you end it. Self care can be having a safe word. Self care can even be letting a trusted sadist have his way with you.

Self care isn't limited to frivolous things that are full of bliss and enjoyment. Self care sometimes is just going through the necessary day to day to make sure everyone stays alive and gets the care they need. Self care may be sitting three alarms instead of one to make sure you are up in time even if you sleep through the first two alarms due to overwhelming fatigue and exhaustion. Self care could be picking up that $5 pizza from Little Ceaser's because you simply don't have the energy to cook the kids dinner. Self Care could be having one of your kids run out in the cold to start the car for you, so that when you leave the car is heated and toasted and warm. Self care could be an extra blanket on the bed or swiping your daughters third pillow so you have one to go between your knees.

Self care could be picking the radio station, choosing your own music stream despite what others like or dislike, or choosing the movie that everyone will watch even if you don't have time to watch it (because you know it's a feel good movie and it'll put everyone in a better mood which means less stress for you).

Self care could be crying in your shower. It could also be spending a day in bed even when there are a thousand things you have to do. It could be leaving the dirty dishes out overnight or not getting out of bed when you remember you forgot to put the clothes in the dryer. Self care can be washing a load of clothes so that you have your favorite yoga pants the next day.

If you google self care, you'll get all kinds of recommendations: take a bubble bath, sleep 8-10 hours every night, eat balanced meals regularly throughout the day, spend time with your friends, schedule a date night, meditate, learn a new hobby, buy yourself a gift, a walk in the park, do something nice for someone else, turn off your phone, take a nap. Yet, when you're in the middle of survival mode, this list might as well include things like fly to the moon or make yourself invisible.

Self care is about perspective. It's important to realize this and to re-asses. If you can look at the things you do in a day and realize that some of what you feel you do out of desperation (such as picking up pizza for the third time this week for dinner) is actually self care (because now you don't have to cook and clean up after), it can change your day. Hell, it can even change your life.

Don't buy into the stereotypical ideals presented by people that have never walked in your shoes. Figure out what your own self care looks like and then GIVE YOURSELF CREDIT FOR IT. When you pick up that pizza for the third time this week don't think, “I'm such a shitty mom for feeding my kids pizza three times this week”. Instead, think “I'm going to practice self care and grab a pizza on the way home so that I don't have to cook and clean tonight”. Instead of wishing you could take a bubble bath, change your perspective. What do you normally do in the shower? Shampoo your hair? Put conditioner in it? Lather up your body? Tell yourself, “I'm going to practice self care and wash and condition my hair”.

I spent a very long time feeling like a failure because I wasn't practicing self care. I knew the importance of it. Yet, quite frankly, sometimes there just isn't time to do anything different then what we are doing to survive. So, when we can't change anything outwardly, the only thing we can change is our perspective.

Recognizing that self care is about perspective also has another benefit. It helps you to open your eyes to the little things people are you are doing to try and be helpful. It helps you to identify what you may need even when you didn't realize it was a need.

Re-evaluating your chaos to determine if you're actually practicing self care without realizing it can make the day seem substantially less burdensome.

The Link Between Self Doubt and Self Care

I'm still working through it all, but I seem to have realized that for me, self care is intricately linked to self doubt.

Several years ago I was in a tight spot. I was tending to multiple youths and children with special needs and mental illness. One of them had multiple suicide attempts and almost died. I was so far beyond my breaking point. I spent all my time tending these youths and making sure everyone stayed alive. I felt fortunate to be able to find time or opportunity to shower. I never had time to talk to friends or go anywhere. The few times I may have had time or appropriate supervision for the youths, I was too tired to consider it. I had quit doing all the things I did to bring me peace. I didn't do anything that could even remotely be considered self care outside of showering and brushing my teeth. I only knew one feeling.... OVERWHELMED.There was ZERO self care.

Then I met someone. The first few weeks he spent telling me how strong and courageous he thought I was. He took me on dates and reminded me what it felt like to get away from the stressors and responsibilities of my life.

Rather quickly he wanted to get much more serious than I wanted. Yet, along with that he used my frailties to entice me to him. We could buy a large house that would enable all the youths I was caring for to have plenty of room. We could buy that house in an area that offered better psychiatric care. Since I wouldn't have to worry about the bills, I could stay home and focus on the youths. I would be better equipped to keep everyone alive. Through all of this, he assured me that he thought I was wonderful, courageous, strong and that he loved me already. Yet, at the same time he was planting doubts I'd never known.

He'd say things like, "You know, if we were married and living together, you'd have so much more time to help your kids. They'd be much less likely to reach a self harm or suicide point." or "If you and I were together, then you'd notice when one of the kids started to get a bit stressed and be able to be more pro-active about it." or "If we lived together then you would be able to get some rest in the evenings when I got home from work and you'd be more mentally refreshed the next day and wouldn't miss anything going on with the kids". He had an ongoing flow that never came right out and said I was lacking as a single mother, but that did that all the same. Had he come right out and said, "You don't have enough time to help your kids, you aren't proactive in helping them, and you're too tired to pay attention to them" I'd have torn him to shred. Yet, he didn't say any of these. He implied them in a sideways manner which resulted in my own self doubt.

Yet, had I been practicing self care all along, I'd have been aware of my own self worth and my own value. I'd have caught the manipulation in these statements and not allowed them. If I'd been practicing self care, then others couldn't have gotten away with causing me to so completely distrust myself.

When I first had the gut instinct that something wasn't right regarding our relationship, I questioned him about it. He told me that my heightened stress level over the last year had thrown my perceptions off. He said that my fear of abandonment from prior relationships had been intensified by almost losing one of my kids. He insisted that I knew everything about him, his life and what he did, but that I was so tired from the last few years I just wasn't able to trust what I really felt and knew to be true. He presented this all so matter of factly and seemingly intelligently that it caused me to pause and consider what he said.

Over the next few years, he managed to take away all confidence I had in myself. His gaslighting skills were on point, yet I was already doubting myself so much that I didn't notice when the gaslighting began! I would second guess everything.... my emotions, my thoughts, my words and even what I had done or not done.

I second guessed myself so much I didn't even see that I was in a mentally and emotionally abusive relationship. I left him when he became physically violent as that was something I clearly recognized.

Almost a year later I started to date again. Well, I didn't actually start to date. I started talking to people on dating sites and eventually decided to meet someone I'd become friendly with online and via text.

Over the next year and half, he became my best friend. He helped me start to remember who I was. He helped me fight back against the self doubt and gas lighting. He was my anchor, and my life raft all at the same time. Yet still, even as I started to learn how to trust myself again, I never returned to taking care of myself.

A year and half after we met, we started to date. It wasn't something really thought out. More along the lines of the whirlwind romance that came out of an impulsive kiss in the midnight hours one night.

He was my best friend, so what could go wrong?

Apparently, lots can go wrong.

You see, when you aren't practicing self care you aren't recognizing and accepting your own worth. I had never started back practicing self care. I kept telling myself that when I got the chores caught up, when the kids were out of the hospital, when my daughters surgery was over, when I had the bills caught up... I had this long list of all the things that had to be done before I could do anything for myself.

Ironically, self doubt had creeped in because I wasn't practicing self care. Now, I carried so much self doubt with me that I wouldn't even start self care.

Without self care, I wasn't able to effectively dismiss the self doubt.

With the lack of self care, self doubt, and all that came with that I didn't stand up for myself when I should have.

None of this excuses anything that went wrong in dating my best friend. He made some serious mistakes that hurt me significantly. However, when I tried to address it all, I was told things that had already been drilled into me. When he said that he thought I was over-reacting, that I had misunderstood, that I was misconstruing thing, I would go into a tailspin of self doubt. Ultimately I'd self doubt myself so much that I'd convince myself the issues weren't as bad as they seemed.

This created a nasty cycle of us going through the same crap over and over again. I'd feel betrayed by deceit, self doubt would be introduced into my mind, and I'd end up making apologies while the acts and deeds that harmed me would eventually disappear and never get addressed or handled.

One night when reading through our old messages, I came across many of the messages he'd sent me through our friendship prior to dating. The messages were he had helped me to start on a path of self confidence. Messages filled with insight into my own self doubt and how I could counteract it. In those messages also contained his advise that I start taking care of myself, that I actively do things I enjoy. He spoke of how if I didn't take care of myself, I'd fall apart across the board and not be there for anyone.

His messages two years prior had opened my eyes. I saw and remembered the path I needed to be on.

I'd like to say that he and I were on board with what needed to be done at the same time. I'd like to say that he and I both chose a path of self growth and thrived. I'd like to say a lot of things about us, but suffice it to say things never went as I thought they could.

The relationship ended. The friendship ended.

I, quite literally, ran for the hills. I took my youngest on a primitive camping trip. My son opted out early, but I stayed on. I sat beside the bubbling creek in the morning nursing my cup of hot tea. I laid outside and looked at the stars. I spent hours in the creek re-arranging and re-building the dam built by rocks to form a small pool. I cleaned it of leaves and rearranged it so the pool was clean and clear. I went for walks and drove to places I wanted to go. I hiked, took photos, and journaled. I found me. I found me through self care. With both of those things I started to combat the self doubt.

Ironically, it was the lack of self care that led to self doubt being able to eat away at me. It was self doubt that kept me from starting self care. Once I finally pushed past all the doubt and started to take care of myself, the self doubt began to fade.

On sites such as this we often focus on how we want our partners to care for us, or how we want to care for our partners.

Yet, at the end of the day one things remains true:

WE MUST EACH ADMINISTER SELF CARE TO OURSELVES.

Self care can change every aspect of your life for the better.

Self Care

In March of this year, my husband and I purchased a new home. For 4 months, we've enjoyed living in a paradise location. Surrounded by forests and the river, I saw my summer filled with days fishing and hiking. With a  huge bathtub in my bathroom, I saw evenings spent soaking in a tub filled with fragrant oils and surrounded by candles. I've had the bathtub set up with candles, incense, and oils since right after we moved in. 

Today, I took my first bath in the new house. As I absorbed the coconut oil and eucalyptus, my mind raced. How would I figure out budget tomorrow on pay day? Once again what we need to pay out is more then what we've brought in. I still need to put away the rest of the clean laundry in the livingroom. I haven't put the clean sheets back on the bed yet. The kids will want a snack when they get home from Vacation Bible School tonight. My mind was running a thousand miles a minute. I sank down till the water covered my ears and took several deep breathes. I just needed to R E L A X. Yet, I just couldn't do it. I couldn't turn off my brain. All I could do was think about all I needed to get done. 

I spent a total of 25 minutes in the tub. It was agony! I wanted to jump out and get to work within 5 minutes, but pushed myself to wait. With the 25 minutes over, I jumped into a cool shower in an attempt to ease my pain via cyclic showering. Even though I could immediatly feel unanticipated results (this is my first attempt at cyclic showering), I was still so consumed with what I had to do. I jumped out, got dressed and came to work on paperwork and finish emails. 

Growing up, life was pretty hectic. Everything needed to be done just right in an attempt to avoid criticism that usually came anyway. Throughout childhood and my teenage years, I felt compelled to do everything perfect and before it was due. It wasn't until I was a single mother of two children and in lots of therapy to deal with the violence I had faced at the hands of my children's father, that I started learning how to slow down and enjoy life. It wasn't easy, but I learned how to go to the park and play with the children rather then work while they played. I learned how to set at the table and pudding paint! I learned to take a couple nights a month to go out just for me and dance the night away. I learned that by taking care of my body,  I was better able to accomplish what was most important in my life. I took long bubble baths and enjoyed mornings reading in bed listening to the birds chirp outside my window. 

I'm not sure when I reverted back. I'm guessing it came as a result of getting sick. The time I have in a day has been cut down to a small smidgen of what I had before. Therefore the time I do have I feel I must be super productive. Yet, this pace isn't helping anyone. I work at a furious pace when I'm able and spend the rest of the time exhausted and thinking about what is left to be done. 

I don't know how, but I need to be able to let go. I need to accept that it doesn't matter what other people think and that spending time with my children are more important. I need to accept that the laundry can wait and that I need to soak in the tub and do nothing but relax. 

Here lately I've started to focus alot more on getting rid of the toxins and parasites (yes, I said parasites) that have built up in my body through the years. I realized tonight that there is no amount of eating healthy or cleansing that I can do that will fix everything UNLESS I take the time to relax and let go of the stress in my life.