Several years ago I met a man and believed that he and I were meant to be together. There was really only one reason I thought this, yet it was enough to make me overlook the warning signs. It was enough to make me invest throughly and end up in a situation where he managed and controlled me long after I left him.
That one thing that made me think we were supposed to be together?
I FELT SAFE
You see, I have a pretty serious background of trauma and abuse. My CPTSD is well earned. For as long as I can remember I've felt scared around men. It takes years and years of being around a male before I cease to fear them. I don't let others know this, it's simply something I have to work through.
I thought that because I didn't feel scared around him, that it meant he and I were supposed to be together. I mean, I'd never felt that way around any other male. So it had to be a sign.
That relationship lasted several years and was full of abuse, trauma and extreme gaslighting. He was the first person with narcism I'd ever met, though it was only after leaving him that a therapist helped me realize that's what he was. He was the farthest thing from safe.
Yet, after all the trauma and abuse, I didn't even remember that there had been a time when I felt safe with him. I've spent so much time trying to figure out how he managed to get me to be with him when all the signs pointed to something I should run from.
I've figured some of it out... how he managed to find my one weakness (my constant worry that I'm failing as a parent) and worm his way into a position that caused me to second guess myself. How he used the past I'd confided in him against me. There are several other things that contribute and most likely more I haven't realized yet.
My latest revelation was that my feeling safe with him had nothing to do with him. I've only recently realized this and it came only after I ventured out to date again and ended up in a committed relationship with someone that I felt was "the one". I mean, if I felt that safe, that secure, then it had to be a sign, right?
It was only when I read through older blog posts that I remembered I'd once felt that way about the ex. The abusive ex that was a true life example of narcism.
How could I have felt safe with both of them?
I realized that prior to either of those relationships, I'd actually made a leap forward in my self growth. I had come to a point where I didn't feel scared around males anymore. Yet, because I hadn't been in the dating world, I didn't realize it. My first date with someone I'd never met before was with him.
I guess I should have realized then that it wasn't that he was safe, but rather my perception of men had changed.
Now that I know this, I have to re-asses a good bit of my life. I need to go back and see what else has changed with the lack of fear.
Ultimately, it's a relief to know that my "safe" radar isn't broken but is finally more to where it needs to be. It wasn't that they felt safe, simply that they didn't feel dangerous. Had I paid attention to the red flags I'd have seen the danger. Instead I kept telling myself, and let him tell me, that feeling safe meant the red flags were wrong.
You live and ya learn, right?
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