As a child I was responsible for attempting to keep the peace in the house. That basically meant taking over for my mother, keeping the house and raising my two siblings while trying like hell to walk on eggshells so I didn’t get beaten.
At 16 I was on my own. I’ve primarily been that way ever since, even raising my kids on my own. I fix what breaks, don’t buy it if I can pay cash for it, and do not need anyone. I am independent, self sufficient, and dominant in real life. This is my life based on what is necessary. It’s what I have to do because there isn’t another way.
Due to always having to be in charge in real life, I seriously enjoy being submissive in the bedroom (at times).
Yet, if I were to be honest, I wish that I could just live a real life where I’m not in charge of everything. I would be completely ok with staying home all day, tending kids and keeping house. I want to be able to make all the decisions regarding the house (how to decorate, what to do during the day, shopping, meal planning, etc). I wouldn’t want to manage the full budget but would rather be given three allowances; one for frivolous purchases as I see fit,, one for everything the home needs (toiletries, food, furniture, etc), and one for whatever the kids and my partner needs such as clothing.
I’m a hell of a cook but rarely get to cook because I am so busy trying to keep up with everything. I’d love to spend several days a week cooking up a great meal to be enjoyed when my partner comes home at the end of a long workday (several days but instead of all cause I know how to use cooking days to prep for other days). I’d love to be able to shower and slip into slinky lingerie and curl up in bed knowing my house is spotless and everyone feels comfy like a fat cat in front of the fireplace. I want to go to bed with sex and be woken the same way.
I would willing devote evenings to my partners non-sexual pursuits, interest, and so forth in exchange for not having to be the only person in charge. I exclude sexual because there are some hard limits I have that must be respected.
Insert long sigh here
Ultimately, this is a dream. Although two of my children are technically grown, their health issues mean they’ll always need some oversight or assistance. My youngest is 13 with a major mental illness. I have health issues that periodically mean I have to spend a day or few in bed to recuperate. Loyalty, honesty, devotion, being a hella great cook, great in the sack, passionate, and living life to the fullest are all characteristics that make me a hell of a catch, but nothing I have to offer outweighs the reality of being an unhealthy single mom of three kids with special needs (this isn’t my view just that of most everyone else).
Still, a gal can dream. I always thought this dream made me weak but I realized that I’ve done more, accomplished more and conquered more than most healthy people ever even consider doing.
There is no weakness in wanting to stay at home and keep it a smooth running machine where others flock for a sense of acceptance and safety. There is nothing wrong with a woman that wants a man in charge.
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