Part One
For someone with a history of abuse, it's difficult to determine what you want. Typically this is something mentioned early on in therapy or group. We realize that we don't know what we want and we invest a lot of time into figuring this out. We have to discover what we enjoy on the path of determining who we are. Eventually we have to decide what we want in a relationship.
I saw a post yesterday that was about determining what a person NEEDED in a relationship. My first thought was, “I don't need a relationship. I just want one.” Something tugged at the edges of my conscious mind and I paused to examine further what I'd just thought. It is true, I don't need anyone to survive. I've been on my own since 16. I've raised three kids on my own, each with special needs or health issues. I've survived trauma that people only think happens in movies. I've lost many friends and family members to death, starting at an early age. I would walk through hell itself to face Satan and doubt I'd feel any fear. I don't “need” anyone.
However, when you look at the question again, that isn't even the point. Fine, I don't need anyone. I am happy and content single. I have a history of being happier single then when in committed relationships. Why? Maybe because I never considered what I needed once I was in a relationship! Ideally, in hindsight, I think perhaps a relationship may fare better if you've identified your needs prior to moving into a relationship.
My first thoughts on this journey were to think about individual things that I wanted or needed. Honesty, touch, etc. These are explained more in depth below. However, in writing these things out I made a discovery. What I “need” isn't a list of things I need the other person to do, or not do. What I need in a relationship is to feel safe and secure. I feel compelled to write other things such as happy, content, and so forth. Yet, the more I ponder it the more I realize that I really just need to feel safe and secure. The list of individual things I'll consider are simply the path or means to my feeling safe and secure.
This brings me to look at the one thing I've requested out of all relationships for many years: HONESTY. Not society's view of “honest enough”, but full fledge, I can trust you with anything, you'll never deceive me, no white lies, transparent honesty. Everything else was negotiable. It took me quite some time to realize this and then even more time to accept it. Now though I realize that this isn't a want, it is a deep rooted need. I need someone who is absolutely honest and transparent as that is what I need to trust someone. With that trust comes safety and security. It doesn't mean they won't ever do hurtful things, it just means that they will do so openly so that we can work through it. That is safety. That is security.
What else do I need? I do buy into the concept that we all have different “love languages” and that the way we communicate and receive love is important. I perceive love and affection through touch primarily. Holding hands, kissing, hugs, being held, a light touch here and there, arms wrapped around my waist while washing dishes; touch is very important to me. Some of the special needs my children have mean that touch is difficult for them. The usual mother/child elements of touch have been lacking and it was difficult with me to correlate that the lack of touch did not mean a lack of love. Can I have a full, loving relationship without touch? Absolutely! Does this mean touch is merely a want instead of a need? No. I don't think it does. If I fell in love with a man that couldn't manage touch, then I have no doubts we'd work around it and I'd discover other ways to have that need met, yet at his point in time touch is very much a need in a relationship. Touch that I do not have to initiate. So, the second thing I need would be: Touch
The next thing that comes to mind is well thought out surprises. This can come in any form really. A gift, a pre-panned date night, a impromptu outing. Something that is given to me simply to bring me happiness. This is another “love language” and although my mind wants to rebel at stating it as a need, I do believe it is. I feel that stating I need well thought out surprises makes me selfish, materialistic, or even greedy. Yet the whole point of this exercise is to identify the things that I need which are things that will make me feel safe and secure in a relationship. Well thought out gifts and surprises shows me that the other person is thinking of me, appreciates me, and wants me to be happy. This offers a sense of security as well.
That said, I've come to realize that much of the well thought out surprises/gifts are about perspective. For example, a guy I was dating once told me he was bringing me a surprise. He had never given me anything before and I was incredibly excited. My mind raced with ideas; flowers, a hard cover copy of my favorite book, a trip somewhere, a new scarf? All day I wondered what the surprise was. When he arrived he presented a black canvas bag. I opened it and discovered it was a steamer (the kind you can use to de-wrinkle fabric, clean with, etc). I was disappointed and I'm certain it showed. I grew up with a slew of adult women that always complained that their husbands only bought them gifts that would help them work at home. Blenders, crock pots, vacuum cleaners, washing machines, and so forth. Without realizing it, I'd adopted that same attitude so a steamer wasn't a gift, but something that was a chore. Yet, from his end it was a well thought out gift. One that he'd spent considerable time and effort in finding after I'd used his steamer on my clothing one morning, raved about how much I loved it, and said I wanted to find me one. He'd been on the lookout for a good one for several weeks and had gotten me one that was even better than his as mine had all kinds of attachments that went with it. It was a well though out gift that held consideration and love behind it, yet I missed that. In hindsight, that well thought out gift was exactly what I wanted and even needed, despite it being a gift that I'd use for chores. So, even though I am defining my needs, I need to remember to look at the other person's perspective when determining if my needs are being met. So, the third thing I need is well thought out surprises/gifts.
It is quite difficult to determine wants from needs. I'm certain this list may change as time goes by and I continue to consider it and ponder it.
The next thing that I feel is a need for me is conversation. I need to be able to talk about my life, hear about their life, share our perspectives and ideas. Conversation is a must. It aides me in understanding my partner while also allowing us to have someone to confide in. I can't imagine I'd ever feel safe and secure with someone I couldn't hold a conversation with. Without conversation, how would we ever be on the same page? Working towards the same goals?
….......to be continued
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